Stubborn mom with possible dementia: how do I help??

[Anonymous]

My mom has had a lot of memory issues, which have become more frequent. She was more than willing to go to neurologist for evaluation, but she now refuses to get MRI, blood work for a vitamin deficiency, or a follow up to see if there is anything to do to help.

She said she'll get an mri on the anniversary of a TBI (so next March). I think it's just an excuse.

She has moderate cognitive impairment, per neurologist, and I'm sure she's worried. She says everything is fine, so she doesn't need appointment.

And she goes back and forth saying of course I'll go, you're an angel for helping...to saying she's fine, I should leave her alone, and hanging up on me (and my sister).

Any ideas on how to navigate? I'm framing it as a positive thing that can help her stay well and improve her memory issues.

I'd like her to stay as independent as possible, maybe with some support, and I'm worried she'll just decline rapidly without help. (And then I won't know about it because she won't talk to me.)

[Anonymous]

Rather than focusing on the possibility of dementia, I would frame it as potentially determining if there are other, highly treatable (and less daunting) causes of her memory loss, which can be addressed immediately. Even TBI-related memory loss can have some improvement with the right support. I’m sure you’re already doing all that, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Rather than focusing on the possibility of dementia, I would frame it as potentially determining if there are other, highly treatable (and less daunting) causes of her memory loss, which can be addressed immediately. Even TBI-related memory loss can have some improvement with the right support. I’m sure you’re already doing all that, though.

OP: yes, I'm doing all that. I'm also framing as "since the accident," because I can tell a big difference since the accident. (I think there were signs before accident though).

[Anonymous]

How old? Likely chasing an diagnosis is a waste
of time, energy, emotion. Put supports in place for how she is now. And for how, almost all older people will end up, later.

[Anonymous]

Op: she's 75 and single.

I was hoping that a diagnosis would lead to some type of treatment. Or give me an idea of how much help she needs. (She says nothing, but that's not true.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op: she's 75 and single.

I was hoping that a diagnosis would lead to some type of treatment. Or give me an idea of how much help she needs. (She says nothing, but that's not true.)

There's no real treatment for Alzheimer's. IDK about dementia, but if there were we wouldn't be dealing with it on these levels. Let her have some control now. The decline isn't rapid. Control what you can right now, which means planning on your own, setting boundaries, etc. Enjoy being with her while she's doing well. It sounds like she wants to get through this anniversary, can you support her until then?

[Anonymous]

We stopped the neurological tests because they were just too much for her. And there’s no real treatment anyway so it kind of didn’t matter to us what kind of dementia our mom has. We just treat the issues as they come up.

[Anonymous]

If you can, read Being Mortal. Excellent book that will give you a fuller perspective as you navigate your mom's situation. In a nutshell, do what you can now to help her maintain as much freedom and quality of life.

[Anonymous]

Make sure you and/or your sister are added to all her checking and savings accounts now so you can start paying the bills. That was the first way I learned that my mom had memory issues-- she wasn't paying her bills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make sure you and/or your sister are added to all her checking and savings accounts now so you can start paying the bills. That was the first way I learned that my mom had memory issues-- she wasn't paying her bills.

Also get the Power of Attorney paperwork started and see if she’ll allow access to her online accounts as well. My mom’s power of attorney didn’t take effect until two independent medical professionals found her unable to handle her affairs. It wasn’t too much of an issue but it was a little more hassle than I would have liked.