Repair relationship

[Anonymous]

Younger DD feels like I favor older DD but that’s not the case. It is true, though, that older DD was (for the last 3 years or so, starting in the pandemic) always with me - taking her homework to do in my home office while I worked, watching TV with me in my room, etc. Just generally likes the same activities and didn’t have too many friends at school, so I tried to make up for that somehow). Older DD is off to college and I feel like there is finally space for younger DD and me to bond more - except that now younger DD feels like a space filler. Any chance to repair this? Younger DD is 12.

[Anonymous]

Have you tried joining the activities that your younger DD enjoys?

[Anonymous]

There is, but you will have to make a conscious effort to get to know her as a teen/person. Ask her what she wants to do; spend real quality time with her in small amounts at first.

Start with compliments - true ones. Not a big gushing speech, just “hey that was a creative paper in English,” or “I am proud of how hard you worked at that science project,” or “thanks for feeding the dog” even.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you tried joining the activities that your younger DD enjoys?

She doesn’t really like to do anything these days. We used to go riding together but I am not good at it (actually scared of cantering and jumping) and eventually she stopped too. So right now there’s nothing she likes except hanging out with friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is, but you will have to make a conscious effort to get to know her as a teen/person. Ask her what she wants to do; spend real quality time with her in small amounts at first.

Start with compliments - true ones. Not a big gushing speech, just “hey that was a creative paper in English,” or “I am proud of how hard you worked at that science project,” or “thanks for feeding the dog” even.

I think small amounts is key. She says I smother her (I really don’t, but anything that involves me seems to be too much for her).

[Anonymous]

Does she like to shop? Walk? Go for punch? Show you video clips? I find that even the teen with no interest has “some” interest. You just have to take it till you make it in their world.

[Anonymous]

The younger child is starting to sound like the family scapegoat to me.

She told you how she feels, and her feelings got blown off (e.g., "I favor older DD but that’s not the case. It is true, though, that older DD was for the last 3 years or so, starting in the pandemic always with me").

You need to start back at square one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The younger child is starting to sound like the family scapegoat to me.

She told you how she feels, and her feelings got blown off (e.g., "I favor older DD but that’s not the case. It is true, though, that older DD was for the last 3 years or so, starting in the pandemic always with me").

You need to start back at square one.

+1

Your daughter is right. Your interests and hers didn't easily align and only now that her sister is out of the house is there "finally space" for her.

Lucky for you, she's still young and there's time. Get to know her for who she is and when she does take an interest in something, take an interest in it as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The younger child is starting to sound like the family scapegoat to me.

She told you how she feels, and her feelings got blown off (e.g., "I favor older DD but that’s not the case. It is true, though, that older DD was for the last 3 years or so, starting in the pandemic always with me").

You need to start back at square one.

+1

Your daughter is right. Your interests and hers didn't easily align and only now that her sister is out of the house is there "finally space" for her.

Lucky for you, she's still young and there's time. Get to know her for who she is and when she does take an interest in something, take an interest in it as well.

She’s not a scapegoat. In fact she was with me all the time until 3 years ago or so. I often asked her to do stuff with me but got blown off. I tried. But I probably did it wrong because it didn’t work. The result is that she doesn’t feel loved and valued. But I do love and value her but need a better way to show it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is, but you will have to make a conscious effort to get to know her as a teen/person. Ask her what she wants to do; spend real quality time with her in small amounts at first.

Start with compliments - true ones. Not a big gushing speech, just “hey that was a creative paper in English,” or “I am proud of how hard you worked at that science project,” or “thanks for feeding the dog” even.

I think small amounts is key. She says I smother her (I really don’t, but anything that involves me seems to be too much for her).

She's 12. She's going to be all over the place. In just a couple posts, you have said that she feels ignored and smothered. Your job now is to keep up with the bids for connection and affection. I not a horse person but this seems like an easy place to start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The younger child is starting to sound like the family scapegoat to me.

She told you how she feels, and her feelings got blown off (e.g., "I favor older DD but that’s not the case. It is true, though, that older DD was for the last 3 years or so, starting in the pandemic always with me").

You need to start back at square one.

+1

Your daughter is right. Your interests and hers didn't easily align and only now that her sister is out of the house is there "finally space" for her.

Lucky for you, she's still young and there's time. Get to know her for who she is and when she does take an interest in something, take an interest in it as well.

She’s not a scapegoat. In fact she was with me all the time until 3 years ago or so. I often asked her to do stuff with me but got blown off. I tried. But I probably did it wrong because it didn’t work. The result is that she doesn’t feel loved and valued. But I do love and value her but need a better way to show it.

You have to keep trying and meet her where she is. I hate shlocky TV. Do you know how much shlocky TV I watch just so I can sit next to my daughter and have an insight into something she's interested in?

[Anonymous]

If you are really feeling such a disconnect I would have a few sessions with a family therapist to help you clear the air and reset the relationship. Tell your kid that she needs to attend to help you, not that she is the problem. It’s important to get this resolved before she hits her teens. The therapist knows what is normal in families.

[Anonymous]

She might not connect with you right now, but keep trying. Watch TV with her, talk about if you're team Conrad or Jeremiah and see if she bites. And show up to every game, school concert, etc. This age changes fast and she'll come around again. It might take a couple years, but if you stay consistent then she'll know you're on her team even if she rolls her eyes in the process.

[Anonymous]

Does she like bubble tea? Starbucks? Take her on an errand and swing by to get a bubble yea or something. Sometimes the car ride can lead to good conversations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The younger child is starting to sound like the family scapegoat to me.

She told you how she feels, and her feelings got blown off (e.g., "I favor older DD but that’s not the case. It is true, though, that older DD was for the last 3 years or so, starting in the pandemic always with me").

You need to start back at square one.

+1

Your daughter is right. Your interests and hers didn't easily align and only now that her sister is out of the house is there "finally space" for her.

Lucky for you, she's still young and there's time. Get to know her for who she is and when she does take an interest in something, take an interest in it as well.

She’s not a scapegoat. In fact she was with me all the time until 3 years ago or so. I often asked her to do stuff with me but got blown off. I tried. But I probably did it wrong because it didn’t work. The result is that she doesn’t feel loved and valued. But I do love and value her but need a better way to show it.

You have to keep trying and meet her where she is. I hate shlocky TV. Do you know how much shlocky TV I watch just so I can sit next to my daughter and have an insight into something she's interested in?

Ok but if ask her, she’ll say no. I tried that. Should I just make her go to the barn with me? Wouldn’t that be counterproductive?