Are senior care advisors (not sure if that’s the term?) helpful?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
A while back I was flipping though a local giveaway magazine for seniors and noticed a bunch of ads for private consultants who help seniors figure out next steps in terms of … well, I’m not sure? Assisted living options? Anything they need advice on? What do these advisors do, exactly?
My 80something MIL is in bad shape and in a bad situation, at home when she shouldn’t be. She is extremely stubborn and refuses to make any changes. FIL is trying to convince her to move to a particular senior living setting — I think they’re independent apartments, so nothing drastic, and even then she is adamantly against. I was wondering if a meeting with someone knowledgeable could help, in terms of both laying out a full array of possibilities and also turning the choice into less of a “these are interventions because you’re falling apart” kind of thing and more of a “ooh, look at these interesting possibilities that may offer you something you want!” kind of thing. But not sure whether the fit is right between the situation and those types of advisors. Any advice welcome! And recommendations in MoCo would be great too, if you know of someone good. Thanks! |
Anonymous
My dad died too quickly for us to really use this kind of service, but my sense is that getting help from someone who knows how care really works for people like your MIl in your area now would be very helpful. Even if you have good general knowledge about how care is supposed to work, the actual level of various services available in your area might be a lot different from what you think. My impression is that the best care advisors are former nonprofit nursing home social workers who got fed up and went independent. I would try talking to the social workers at high-end, nonprofit nursing homes and ask them for names. If you or your mom are in any high-end charities with a lot of rich old members, I’d look to see if any senior care advisors have little ads in the newsletters or speak at the luncheons and call those. If you see senior care advisers advertised in a regular newspaper, chances are that those are senior care brokers. Basically, travel agents for nursing homes. Some might know what they’re talking about and provide mildly conflicted but good advice, but a lot may just be too young and too far away from the care world to be helpful. |
Anonymous
|
I think many of these advisors receive a commission from the places they recommend if you end up going these. In your situation, it seems that your FIL knows what is needed and where to go so they wouldn’t be of much help and could end up with your ILS receiving a lot of unwanted solicitations.
It seems to be a matter of convincing your MIL. I wonder if she is afraid she will quickly be put into the assisted living or health care unit and is resisting it , in part, for that reason? |
Anonymous
| Why not let MIL live and die the way she chooses? Just because it makes you ucomfortable, doesn't mean she can't stay where she is. As long as she's only a danger to herself, it's not your business. |
Anonymous
|
The best services are called geriatric care managers and they do not receive any kickbacks. You pay them to help screen places or manage care. Finding a place that can handle complex needs can be tough, and so can managing day to day care.
I wouldn't suggest moving to independent living without any step ups (e.g., memory care or assisted living) for someone in their 70s or 80s. Before you know it, one of them is going to need higher levels of care. |
Anonymous
Not OP, but having lived this, it was many years of me dealing with emergencies and hysteria and that's with an "age in place" consultant. And...when a neighbor says "call anytime if you need somthing" said neighbor doesn't realize some elders will...often and then the neighbors called me infuriated and feeling like they were being taken advantage of. It's not about adult child discomfort. It's about not having a nervous breakdown and becoming seriously ill (the latter happened to me). It's about not taking advantage of the kindness of others because of your own stubbornness. Oh and when I set major boundaries I was met with hatred and screaming. Good times. |
Anonymous
This, however be careful. The ones that have all the connections to "age in place" will push that big time and use scare tactics to keep them away from AL. My mom's friend LOVES AL, but the Case Manager made it sound like she would be shivering alone bleeding in a corner with a concussion for hours. In reality her friend is living it up, making friends, going to nice restaurants and cultural events. Meanwhile mom is rotting at home watching too much fox news and sinking into paranoia. Oh and they tell you no-shows aren't an issue and one person can't leave a shift until another shows up. Lies. So many problematic things. Screen the person. Make sure they don't have an agenda. Make sure they know the latest scoop on places. Yes, every place has issues, but my goodness my mother and her friend were similar in degree of aging and now her friend has aged backward and has a life and mom is a miserable mess firing caregivers and complaining, but refusing to move because her case manager worked at these places over a decade ago and said they were awful. Keep in mind her case manager is paid a small fortune as a case manager, where as a decade or 2 ago she was making minimum wage at these places so there's that. |
Anonymous
| I never thought so. Seemed like they were getting kickbacks from the facility. |
Anonymous
You haven't had a parent go through this, have you? It just doesn't work like your 1950s retro throwback fantasy. The reality is that someone like this won't just be a danger to herself -- she will be a danger and a huge suck on time and resources for everyone around her. It's selfish of her (and of you by proxy supporting someone like her) to prioritize her choices over the mental, physical, and emotional health of everyone around her, including adult children or adult in-laws. |
Anonymous
|
We used one for our parents to find an independent living community. It was extremely helpful. We had no idea what the differences were between communities and they were very knowledgeable.
We used one that didn't cost them anything. Yes, they get commissions if they chose certain communities. The person we worked with was very upfront about that and was never really pushy about picking one of those. She took them on several in person tours and answered many many questions. Ultimately my parents picked on where she did not get a commission. Not in the DC area but they used Oasis Senior Advisors. I *think* they have offices all over the country. |
Anonymous
If it’s a burden on her spouse, it’s a danger to his health and well-being as well. Perhaps your FIL can frame it less as “it’s for your own good” and more as “it’s for my own good.” He can be frank about the fact that he needs help due to xyz. |
Anonymous
| It has been a while, but my impression was that geriatric care managers are best positioned to help people with more considerable resources. That said, the ones I met with, and the resources they directed me to, helped me be better informed about the options for the not-wealthy people I was involved with. |
Anonymous
| When you find a good geriatric care manager, they are worth every dime. The one I have hired to help care for my mom, 500 miles from me, is a godsend, eyes and feet on the ground and there in a heartbeat when there’s an emergency. (She also helped us find the AL facility where my mom is now.) It took some interviewing and trial and error to find her. She’s a retired RN who worked in an AL facility before going independent. |
Anonymous
| Two friends have used geriatric care managers to help find memory care placements for a parent living in another city, in one case someone with very limited resources, and they were both really happy with the experience and with where the parent ended up. In both cases, they used the advisor to help narrow down suitable options and get them from the "we need to do this" stage to actually moving in. But they have not used the same service for continued monitoring after placement, just for finding the right facility. |