Help me land the chopper!
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Anonymous
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I have a dc who is entering 9th grade at a strong high school, and I am very nervous about their ability to succeed without my micromanaging. I know it's time for me to let go and allow them to do it on their own, with just a little bit of oversight--it's their schooling, and it's time for them to take responsibility for it. But I'm terrified if I stop the micromanaging, they won't do well, and ruin their GPA and college chances, etc. etc.
Advice for those who've been there? |
Anonymous
| I highly recommend the book, The Self-Driven Child. It has some specific recommendations for this feeling exactly. |
Anonymous
| They will go to college. Which college, is largely, on them. You can keep an eye on GPA, but it won't matter much till it's the end-year grade. You know your child best. You know if they are struggling. Have they always been top of the class or in the middle? It's reasonable to look at end-year grades and have those dictate the next year's schedule. Too many B's? scale back in one subject. Several C's?, a more drastic re-set is necessary. |
Anonymous
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If we lived in a world where grades didn’t matter, I’d tell you to cease all help and just ride it out until the kid rights the ship.
But, if you’ve been micromanaging, it’s going to be better for his GPA is you ease off gradually. But, you do need to start the process. |
Anonymous
Read the book how to raise an adult. |
Anonymous
| I get it OP. My DD is a hot mess. However, many friends say A LOT of cognitive development happens in high school and their kids miraculously figured out how to be responsible without being helicoptered. |
Anonymous
| The truth? Yeah he will do better if you micromanage but if you don help him learn the skills over the next four years to manage his own work and activities then he will eventually go to college and it will fall apart then. |
Anonymous
+1. This happened to my stepson after my DH micromanaged him in high school. Went to college and without Dad to keep on top of him, he did floundered. OP, it's hard, but you could start by stepping away from all the but the bigger/more important things. Maybe something like asking, "hey do you have homework?" or "have you finished your homework?" and leave it at that. Don't check grades online daily. Give it some time and see how he does to start. You may be pleasantly surprised! And if you need to step back in, you can. |
Anonymous
| For others reading this, the time to have this revelation is middle school. Not the start of high school. |
Anonymous
This. And know your kid and what they can do without making themselves miserable with stress and overwork and let them take that path even if they don't graduate with all As in 15 AP classes, 8 leadership positions, and national awards. Do not stress yourself out about college when your kid is 14. |
Anonymous
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I teach middle school, and we really push this with the parents at the middle school level.
One activity our administrators do with the parents is to have them list their long-term big picture goals for their kids. They're pretty predictable - variation on a happy, fulfilling life and ability to support themselves with meaningful work being key, along with having a community, giving back, etc.. Then the administrator point out that attending a top 10/30/50 was on no one's list, and isn't essential for any of the goals they've listed. That lots of people who go to a top school don't achieve those goals, and lots of people who go to the nearest state school achieve them. That's the focus you need to take. What are your long-term goals for your child? Are they better served by taking a step back now, even if it means some missteps and possibly a slightly lower GPA, or by continuing to micromanage? The answer is almost certainly the former. Whether your child attends a "top" school really will have a lot less impact on their life than the schools would have you believe. Not learning to take responsibility and manage things themselves, however, will have a huge negative impact on their lives. |
Anonymous
I came here to recommend this as well. It is really helpful! |
Anonymous
| If you've been micromanaging all along, you can't just step away all of a sudden. Your job (and ideally this would have been done in middle school) is to make sure they have the skills they need to manage this on their own. Can child email a teacher and/or advocate for themself? Can child study effectively? Can child manage their time and assignments? Can child look at a quiz they got a C on and know what they need to do differently next time? These are all the meta skills they need to succeed moving forward. Work on helping them get the skills and then increase the period of time between when you check in gradually. |
Anonymous
| Landing the chopper is probably impossible, so redirect it to yourself. Get really into fitness, or a new hobby, or an affair. Something time consuming and tiring. |
Anonymous
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Do it progressively, please. My son with ADHD/ASD and LDs had a TON of support at school and at home, and progressively became a little more independent by senior year of high school. He even got his driver's license. But it was very apparent he would flounder if we didn't do it progressively. Now he's a freshman at a local university, and it seems to be going well, but only because we made sure his diagnoses were current, and he received appropriate support from the disability office. Every child is different, so please observe yours carefully and exercise a light touch whenever you make a change. |