Handling apologies- do you always say sorry too?

[Anonymous]

In my case, an I’m sorry” and “I’m sorry too” exchange between a married couple has been best for marriage to work, but what if something really is just a single person’s fault and you are tired of saying your sorry too. Seeing several threads on here about spouses that explode rather than communicate. I went to therapy to talk about how to communicate better with someone that explodes and then shuts down/leaves- spouse went once and stopped so not couples therapy— I am working on self to get to better place…. Guess I am not actually asking a question and more just posting to let the emotions go at this moment. Big breath and confidence, I’ll get there.

[Anonymous]

It really depends.

Often both parties have contributed to the issue - by how they have reacted or responded or by the dynamic or what has been said or not said. Both people apologizing to me is a way of saying lets pull together and both try to better communicate about these issues.

Sometimes it is one person who has done a specific action that they are apologizing for that is unrelated to the dynamic or to communication or to the other person at all. In that scenario, there is only one apology as what would the other person apologzie for?

In your scenario, if you contribute to escalating the dynamic that leads to the explosion, then that is an area to work on. What the other person says and does when exploding is on them - but what you do and say before and after is on you.

[Anonymous]

Say “ I accept your apology”.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I have a happy marriage and we don’t always both apologize. Sometimes one person screwed up and needs to apologize.

[Anonymous]

If it really was just DH’s fault, I don’t apologize. I just say, “thanks - I needed to hear that” and hug him and really forgive him.

But I am usually a little at fault too, so I will often add “and I shouldn’t have tried to have an important conversation first thing in the morning/in traffic/whatever, because that didn’t set us up for a calm talk.”

And if I am the only one at fault, I apologize completely and without shifting blame. It’s hard to do that but I try.

[Anonymous]

When I'm wrong I apologize. When we bicker about something I might say "I'm sorry that we argued about the sink."

[Anonymous]

I typically apologize for my part in a disagreement. DH often does, but sometimes he has entitlement issues.

Recently I yelled at my husband for getting in the way. I had asked everybody to get out of the kitchen so I could do my fiddly thing - I can't even remember what it was now! - without anybody getting in the way. It was 5-10 minutes I needed with access to the sink, counter, and stove and wanted nobody else in the kitchen. I started this action BEFORE they all decided to come into the kitchen. This is an open kitchen so they could see what I was doing, they knew they were not wanted, and they knew I was stressed. I asked them to leave and the first child left kitchen immediately. 2nd child left after being warned once when she stopped for a snack on the way out. And DH, DH saw me start work and came into the kitchen to *fill up his water bottle and get a snack* and messed around for 3 minutes while I asked him to leave. Then I snapped and yelled at him to leave the kitchen.

Kids were shaking their heads at him ... "you were warned"

I returned to him later and apologized for snapping. He accepted my apology and defended his actions as if he was in the right because "he was trying to stay out of my way later" ... as if his hydration and crackers couldn't wait not even 10 minutes.

He can't seem to apologize with out saying ... "but [insert reason why he was right for doing what he did]"

Very frustrating.

[Anonymous]

We don't have this reciprocal apology stuff. I normally apologize for being an asshat and at other times, I will point out if he is being an asshat and he may, or may not apologize, depending on how annoyed he is or how quickly he is thinking.