Memory Care Demanding Sitters

[Anonymous]

Has anyone been in a situation where memory care keeps calling and asking for sitters? The place is very expensive (over $400 a day). I can't afford private duty on top of this and also can't spend multiple evenings a week supervising my father who is in the final stage, non verbal, but still able to walk and is a huge fall risk. Also, the erratic behavior is unpredictable. He can be fine in the morning and then very agitated and walking around unsafely suddenly (disoriented, frantic, screaming). So suddenly I will get a call at random evening hours where they can't manage him. Just enrolled him in hospice at the memory care and hoping that will help. The constant calls are stressing me out, and if he gets kicked out I'm not sure where he can go and who will accept him.

[Anonymous]

The point of memory care is providing everything. Sounds like a bad facility. They go to memory care because of those needs. Is this assisted living?

I am sorry you are going through that.

[Anonymous]

It is memory care only and one of the best places in Northern Virginia (supposedly). They only accept memory care patients and before I put him there I specifically asked if they would require private duty nurses and they said no. But here we are.

[Anonymous]

The behavior you are describing is sadly normal but they should not be demanding a private nurse. When hospice gets involved ask them for medication support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is memory care only and one of the best places in Northern Virginia (supposedly). They only accept memory care patients and before I put him there I specifically asked if they would require private duty nurses and they said no. But here we are.

Those places are like timeshare sales pitches. They'll tell you whatever to get you in the door. Now that centers know they can put the expense of staff directly on the patient, they don't want to spend it themselves. Is there a social worker there? Even though they still work for the center, they would have more legal obligation to let you know your options

[Anonymous]

There is a social worker at the memory care place and he told me that they do not have a policy to demand sitters/private duty.

But what ends up happening is the director or nurses will say he has had too many falls. Or they will send him to the ER (which I hope will stop now that he is on hospice).

[Anonymous]

Memory care is the sitter. If they aren't doing their job, fire them.

[Anonymous]

Have just been through this with a memory care in a different state and unfortunately I think it’s normal if your relative requires more care than the average memory care resident or difficult. It absolutely sucks. We brought in extra care but still got threats of “expulsion” from the memory care. And the truth is the only places that will take a difficult/aggressive person with dementia are horrible, if you can even find one who will, so you do not have much choice.

The experience has soured me on continuing care communities. They work until things get truly difficult and expensive to staff, at which point it’s on you to solve the issue.

[Anonymous]

I may have to if it doesn’t get better.

If anyone has some recs for good memory care places in NoVa or a geriatric care manager who can help navigate this please let me know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a social worker at the memory care place and he told me that they do not have a policy to demand sitters/private duty.

But what ends up happening is the director or nurses will say he has had too many falls. Or they will send him to the ER (which I hope will stop now that he is on hospice).

This is exactly what happened with MIL. They wanted her to leave because she had had “too many falls.” But where is a frail person with dementia who falls going to go? No decent place would take her at that point and she had been in the CCC for many years.

[Anonymous]

Was your relative in a CCR and threatened with expulsion? I thought the point was that they care for you no matter what and they bear the costs of what is required.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was your relative in a CCR and threatened with expulsion? I thought the point was that they care for you no matter what and they bear the costs of what is required.

Yeah, we thought that too. But in practice, they if they don’t want to deal with the person they have ways to force them out. For example, the head nurse/staff setting up near-daily calls with us (out of state) every day to report problems with MIL, requiring us to hire our own (approved by them) caregivers to supplement her care, requiring the purchase of special equipment (chair and bed), sending her to the ER and then refusing to let her be released back to the facility for periods of time (saying they did not have the capacity to care for her safely), just tons of ways to make it untenable.

I hear people talk about the “peace of mind” provided by their parents going into these places and think, they have no idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was your relative in a CCR and threatened with expulsion? I thought the point was that they care for you no matter what and they bear the costs of what is required.

Yeah, we thought that too. But in practice, they if they don’t want to deal with the person they have ways to force them out. For example, the head nurse/staff setting up near-daily calls with us (out of state) every day to report problems with MIL, requiring us to hire our own (approved by them) caregivers to supplement her care, requiring the purchase of special equipment (chair and bed), sending her to the ER and then refusing to let her be released back to the facility for periods of time (saying they did not have the capacity to care for her safely), just tons of ways to make it untenable.

I hear people talk about the “peace of mind” provided by their parents going into these places and think, they have no idea.

I'm sorry you went through that. What did you end up doing with your MIL?

Your story makes me feel like I'm not alone in this mess.

[Anonymous]

I promise I am not trying to be callous, but what about having your father confined to a wheel chair? What about meds that might calm him down?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I promise I am not trying to be callous, but what about having your father confined to a wheel chair? What about meds that might calm him down?

He won't stay in a wheelchair or use a walker. They aren't allowed to use any type of restraints.

We have tried medications but none have worked so far (geripsych is in charge of psych meds), but we keep trying. Hoping the hospice can help now that they are involved.