How much to do you play with your lower elementary kid?

[Anonymous]

I work full time and just can’t seem to make time to play with my kid. She’s constantly saying “look at me!” and “play with me” while I’m cooking dinner, folding laundry, etc. Also, her version of playing is often just me watching her do something—e.g. she wants me to watch her make an obstacle course. I find myself constantly trying to sneak away when she doesn’t notice so I can neaten up another part of the room while she plays. I just never feel present and playful during the week—there’s too much to do. Saying, “I can play for a half hour and then I need to make dinner” always results in whining and arguing when the alarm goes off signaling that time is up.

Anyone else feel this way? Any solutions?

[Anonymous]

I never ever enjoyed playing with my kids. We cuddled a lot and co-slept and talked for hours in bed about the day etc but playing was my partner skill.

[Anonymous]

Basically never. There are two of them, and we have a dog. They don't need me. Sure, I'll read to/with you, watch you do a back walkover, or a new trick you taught the dog, or compliment your abstract art. But sitting on the floor playing dolls? No.

[Anonymous]

I have no memory of my parents playing with me at little kids games. They read to me, talked to me, played board games, card games, coloured, took me walking in the woods, went swimming, etc. But they didn’t dress up or play pretend or climb on the playground or anything like that. I consider my childhood to have been bloodline idyllic. I don’t think playing with kids as a peer is necessary or desirable. For watching: I tend to watch my daughter show off whatever she’s messing around with while folding laundry or knitting or sometimes while washing dishes.

[Anonymous]

Op here. This is so interesting to hear. My kid is an only child with plenty of opportunities to socialize. Still, when she’s home, she constantly asks me to play with her and claims she’s bored. She has lots of toys and art supplies but always wants me to join her or watch her. It feels almost like an anxiety thing—it’s the same way I’ll check social media or DCMUM when I want to avoid thinking about something else. It’s almost like she doesn’t want to be alone with her own thoughts. On the way home from camp today, for example, she whined in the car that she was bored (for our 10 minute drive) and then begged me to promise that I would play with her when we got home. I agreed to play for an half hour before I needed to make dinner and despite agreeing to that, she begged, pleaded and got upset when it was time for me to make dinner.

I do have a partner who experiences the same thing when he’s the one around. He happens to be super busy with work right now, so I’ve been the main available parent for the last month.

Any suggestions for what to try with her? She’s generally a very flexible kid (happy to travel, try new things, etc.), but her whining that she’s bored and disappointment that I won’t play more are driving me crazy.

[Anonymous]

She sounds lonely and wants your attention. Could you have her help you with cooking, laundry and chores?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She sounds lonely and wants your attention. Could you have her help you with cooking, laundry and chores?

+1 She whines she’s bored? Teach her to cook/do laundry/vacuum/whatever. Good for keeping her mind off things (my bathroom is never cleaner than when I’m avoiding a tough problem I don’t want to solve), you get your chores done, and she gains useful life skills. And don’t give in to whining; it re-enforces that whining is a good strategy for getting what you want. If dinner needs to be made, it needs to be made and she needs to learn that’s how it works.

[Anonymous]

Tell her she needs to cut it out. Tell her she needs to learn to entertain herself. She can listen to music, but tomorrow she needs to entertain herself for ten minutes. Then Wednesday, for 20 minutes, then Thursday, a half hour.

Sit and make a list with her of things she can play/do by herself. She can read, play the piano, make up dances, draw, etc.

Also, set up play dates for her. Do you live in an area where she can ride a bike up and down the street?

[Anonymous]

I actually played a fair amount with my children when they were younger because my parents never played with me. I used it as bonding time but don't think every person needs to play with their children to be good parents.
To introduce solo play, I started really slowly.... I read that playing alone is a skill that children need to learn and that they are not necessarily born with the ability to do so.
So I would get set up a specific activity for her and say you work on this for 5 minutes and then I will come over. It was typically an activity that would keep her busy for much longer if I was involved and something she enjoyed and was able to do independently. We upped the time slowly. And then started introducing things she wanted to do.
We also introduced room time instead of nap time to where a timer was set and she was to spend some time in her room either playing quietly, reading or napping until the timer went off.
It's hard and I felt mom guilt backing away from playing as much as I had when she was a toddler, but it has been a really good learning experience for both of us. We do have a standing weekly date to do a craft on Wednesday afternoons so sometimes she looks on the internet for craft items and things that we can do on that day.
I still do stuff with her and play occasionally but it is not nearly as often as I used to. Good luck. I know it's hard

[Anonymous]

Whenever I was born my mom would just tell me to figure it out and I always would.... I'm not saying that's the best approach, but sometimes indulging children takes away their ability to ever learn independence.

[Anonymous]

When it's time to stop, let her know when you will play with her again. Ask her to think about what she will want to play.

[Anonymous]

100% she needs to be "helping" you with the housework. Talking and learning what you are doing. It will be absolutely great for her life skill development.

[Anonymous]

My child is the same way. Maybe it's an only child thing...

[Anonymous]

I think she really wants your full attention. If you can find the time set up a fun kid-parent day/date/ activity and make a big deal about it.

[Anonymous]

A lot.

I am a sahm and a social introvert. I loved being with my kids and spent a lot of time playing with them, doing activities, introducing them to new experiences, snuggling, trekking, swimming, taking care of them, reading to them and taking them places like the playground, museums and zoo. I arranged a lot of playdates too and my home was playdate central.

The neighborhood moms and kids would congregate at my house because it waz a kid friendly zone. My kids were also very easy. They were highly intelligent, had a sense of humor and picked up things very easily. It was very rewarding and pleasurable to spend time with them and enrich them.

I am really good with kids and truly enjoyed spending time with them. Even among family and friends, I am the favorite grown-up for the kids and can keep them occupied for a long time.

But, what did it mean for my household? I am at best a B+ housewife. The chores only got done when my DH came back from work and could be with the kids. I also needed to do a lot of outsourcing. But, no regrets.