Flaky people

[Anonymous]

I arranged a social activity for a group of people - something special and hard to do, think hard to get tickets to a show. Had a nice group of 5 other people coming, all relatively new acquaintances who dh and I were looking forward to getting to know. This has been arranged for weeks.

Last night one of them called me to cancel because she had covid last week and isn’t feeling great. Ok, totally fine, hope she feels better. So that was 2 people out (her and her husband).

Just now another person called to say she threw her back out and also won’t be coming.

Now it’s just one other person who can come and I feel super crappy about it. Dh now doesn’t want to come because he has too much work (even though he was coming until 5 mins ago) and so it would just be me and one other person. I spent a significant amount of time planning this and preparing food for a picnic before to share with others (everyone was to contribute) and now it feels like it’s not worth it.

I realize that the health issues may be very real (though the back thing seems like an excuse) but it makes me feel less inclined to go out of my way to do things for other people.

It seems like whenever I invite people to do things at least 1-2 or more will invariably not show at the last minute. Why are people like this? Are they just flaky? Rude? Is it me? I genuinely enjoy hosting people but this is making me feel like it’s not worth the effort.

And yeah, I’m just venting here.

[Anonymous]

Totally relate OP. I also LOVE hosting and having people gather together. It's always really disappointing to me when people don't take the plans as seriously as I do.

[Anonymous]

Sorry to hear that, it's super frustrating.

For nonrefundable things like a show, I only invite people I know who are super reliable and have proved they don't cancel at the last minute.

I invite acquaintances I want to get to know over low key things like coffee or maybe a house party with buffet style food so it's less cumbersome if they don't show up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to hear that, it's super frustrating.

For nonrefundable things like a show, I only invite people I know who are super reliable and have proved they don't cancel at the last minute.

I invite acquaintances I want to get to know over low key things like coffee or maybe a house party with buffet style food so it's less cumbersome if they don't show up.

Fortunately it’s something I didn’t pay for - I got the tickets through connections - but of course it makes me look flaky to my connections too when I’m not needing all the tickets at the last minute. And all these people seemed incredibly excited and engaged for this event as recently as yesterday afternoon.

[Anonymous]

It's too easy to cancel now. Sorry OP, it's a bummer

[Anonymous]

My mother recently held a birthday party for my dad’s milestone birthday: a FULL twenty-five people who’d RSVP’d did not show. Mom is still fuming (and I would be, too!).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother recently held a birthday party for my dad’s milestone birthday: a FULL twenty-five people who’d RSVP’d did not show. Mom is still fuming (and I would be, too!).

Ugh, that is truly reprehensible.

[Anonymous]

Op - we went and had a nice time with the one person who showed up. The show was great. Is this type of behavior a new phenomenon? I can’t imagine anyone in my parents generation being so flaky?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - we went and had a nice time with the one person who showed up. The show was great. Is this type of behavior a new phenomenon? I can’t imagine anyone in my parents generation being so flaky?

It sure is. It's so much easier to text an excuse than to pick up the phone and call and have to talk to the person you are ditching.

But also, people are more anxious and introverted, I think. So they're likely to truly want to join you for that activity and as it gets closer start panicking that they will have a bad time. Or that they will be tired. Or it will cause them to have a bad nights sleep. I feel this way sometimes before social events but I do go anyway and I'm always glad that I push through the discomfort.

Our kids aren't being pushed through discomfort, it's something that will get worse I think

[Anonymous]

OP,
Couple things. One, the two reasons people canceled don’t seem flaky to me at all. Have you ever thrown out your back? It’s excruciating and mobility is totally wrecked even for a generally healthy young person. Have you never gotten sick and needed to cancel plans? I find it very hard to believe you’ve never been on the other side of this situation.
Two, cancellations happen more if you plan things far in advance. And it happens with all generations. We had last minute cancellations at my wedding 15 years ago due to sciatica (parents generation) as well as random illness. I agree it’s unfortunate that multiple people for your gathering had this happen, but I think it’s a coincidence.
Three, it sounds like you were imposing extra pressure/expectations on others with the whole potluck picnic. This may have sounded fun to YOU, but I’ll be honest and say I would be annoyed I had to juggle kids/dog to get a night out to see Ali Wong who I don’t really actually care about but joined because of your invite and ALSO needed to find time to cook a dish for people I don’t know well rather than just go to a restaurant ahead or meet at the theater.
You sound well-intentioned, but also that you have a pretty easy life without adversity and can’t empathize with others who are having a harder time. Now go make a soup for those acquaintances who are convalescing instead of calling them flakes on here.

[Anonymous]

I would be upset too.

Is this the first time you try to get that group together? Maybe next time try a lower stake event where if somebody cancels or comes it’s not such a huge deal. Work up to a big ticket. Event only invite people who will really show up.

Or, if you’re like me, I would never invite those group of people out again because they’re flaky and I don’t have time for flaky people.

[Anonymous]

It is very frusttating. Once we catered a friends gathering and most people didn’t show up at the last momen (and we paid good money for all the special food!!).
If it were an event with tickets I would ask people to pay in advance by themselves

[Anonymous]

Wow, so sorry this happened to you OP.

These people are incredibly rude to flake out at the last minute (your hubby included!)

I would be annoyed too.

I hope in the future, you do not make plans w/these people again though w/your husband this may not be ideal. 😕

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, so sorry this happened to you OP.

These people are incredibly rude to flake out at the last minute (your hubby included!)

I would be annoyed too.

I hope in the future, you do not make plans w/these people again though w/your husband this may not be ideal. 😕

Oh dh came, he was just annoyed too and felt it wasn’t really worth it, plus he had seen the show several times already and wasn’t super excited at the prospect of going again - it was more for the social aspect. We had a nice time with the one other person.
As for my “expectations” and the potluck picnic, that was entirely the others who suggested it and we all planned together. I had said we could bring our own food, meet at a restaurant, potluck or not even meet ahead of time and everyone wanted to contribute to a potluck picnic. Most others were bringing things like wine, bread and fruit salad so it wasn’t exactly an onerous commitment.

[Anonymous]

I've actually distanced myself from a lot of people post pandemic. They have become flaky as hell. I just don't deal with them anymore. It's so rude.