reconnecting with Mom
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Anonymous
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My mom is 78 and we've had our typical ups and downs. My therapist things she's a narcissist or at least has some of those qualities.
My sons were planning a trip to visit her and do some hiking- she was all for it and has some gear they could borrow. However, right before they planned to travel up there she made some demands about their trip, like, she said she would NOT be happy if they didn't see their cousin, and my mom is estranged from said cousin's mom, my sister, as am I. My sons are adults and can decide that themselves, HOWEVER, I was so angry she made this demand on someone right before their trip. It's manipulative. It put them in a horrible situation where they didn't have much of a choice. Previously, when she doesn't get her way, she gives the silent treatment or is PA in some way. This triggered me and I became very angry and perhaps over-reacted. I told her it was a manipulative thing to do. I asked for space from the relationship for a while. She insulted me. I knew it was coming and said, "there's the insult. Please stop contacting me." It's been about a month now. I want to repair this but don't know how. My therapist thinks she'll respond in a defensive way. |
Anonymous
| You shouldn't have gotten involved in her relationship with your adult sons. They're ADULTS. They can handle themselves. |
Anonymous
| It sounds like your mom was trying to use your kids as a bridge to help her repair her relationship with her daughter? If so, she probably doesn’t want to seem vulnerable, and maybe thought your kids would be helping her out the way she was helping them out by hosting them, an even exchange of sorts? This is just speculating. Anyways, if that was what was going on, she should not have gone about it that way. But to reconnect with her you might want to see what her thinking was with her last minute change. |
Anonymous
I don't care who the person/visitors are. I would have been mad had she done this to anyone. It's just so manipulative, no matter who it is. |
Anonymous
Yes, if she just would have said it like, "hey, if the boys are interested, I wonder if they would mind spending time with "cousin.?" |
Anonymous
| OP - you should not "be triggered". No matter what. Can't you manage your own emotions? Enough? She may be a mess but you don't need to carry-this forward. |
Anonymous
maybe so but my question is how do I reconnect. |
Anonymous
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OP: I really feel for you. I have a verified insane mother. She is 97! There will always be drama with everything. I’m not exaggerating. What do you do? You do nothing. You’re busy if she tries to connect and your kids can handle it. A lot of past, present and future dynamics in your family will become clear to them.
Step back. There is a good chance you will end up being seen as the problem if you don’t. Best of luck. |
Anonymous
So I shouldn't try to reestablish a relationship with her? |
Anonymous
You're missing the point. It's not your place to be involved in how she conducts her relationships with anyone other than you. |
Anonymous
No it's not, but I can choose to not have a relationship with someone who does. Thus, the fact that I asked for space because being in a relationship with someone who does this is something I needed to re-evaluate. But MY QUESTION is... how do I reconnect? (and YOU are missing the point) |
Anonymous
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OP, this book is often recommended on this site, I found it very helpful.
You cannot control or change your mother, nor can you manage her relationships with other family members. This book will help you focus on what you CAN control and help you process your feelings in a healthier way than may have been modeled in your family. https://www.amazon.com/Children-Self-Absorbed-Grown-Ups-Getting-Narcissistic |
Anonymous
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OP is starting to sound like a troll.
If not, OP, figure out how to be less enmeshed with an unhealthy person. Then go from there. The reconnection is simple, it's the healthy connection that may not be possible with such a person. She and your sister may be mentally ill or have personality disorders. Perhaps a NAMI family support group could be of benefit to you? |
Anonymous
| Isn't NPD like 1% of the population? DCUM would have you believe its like 10-20% or more. |
Anonymous
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^wrong link above, meant to link the 2020 updated version, it has an orange cover. I think many of the local libraries also have a copy.
https://www.amazon.com/Children-Self-Absorbed-Grown-Ups-Getting-Narcissistic You can't change your mom, OP. Processing more about it now will save you from complex grief when she goes. You disconnecting or reaching out doesn't change her. She and your sister likely have real issues. |