Adult child living close to parents

[Anonymous]

Do parents like having their adult children move to be near them or even rent a room in their house from them? (If they are unmarried with no kids) My brother 38 is thinking about moving to be closer to my parents.

[Anonymous]

Uhhh it depends on the relationship. And also on if they are just moving to be nearby or actually moving into the same house. It depends on the people and personalities in question. The answer won’t be the same for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Living close by is WILDLY different than "renting a room" in our home. Our two oldest kids did both during the pandemic and there were pros and cons to each scenario, but I'm glad both live close by now. They come over for Sunday night dinners each week, but also sometimes show up Sunday for brunch and stay all day.

[Anonymous]

I know my parents are happy that my sibling and I live close by. They get to see us and all the grandkids on a weekly basis.

[Anonymous]

Really depends on the situation, but here's an example of how it can go wrong:

BIL started renting a room in IL's house around 35 to "get back on his feet" out of kind of washing out professionally and needing to start over. However, this quickly led to codependence by BIL on ILs -- MIL made all his meals, his social circle shrank to include just his parents and one other friend (who was married with kids, so when BIL spent time with that friend, he was also basically part of their family life -- he had not friends who felt like peers). BIL continued to flounder professionally, started working at low level retail jobs with zero ambition for more. He didn't technically "need" more money because his rent was cheap and his parents bought most of his food, so he just had to cobble together enough for his car and entertainment. He wasn't saving or investing at all. He dated a little but it went poorly (how many women do you know who would be interested in dating a man in this situation).

But it gets worse. Because in his 40s, things shifted. ILs got older and needed more help around the house and with things like doctor's appointments and some basic things. We helped out when we visited but have young kids so we can't be there all the time. BIL, to his credit, picked up the slack. And I think it also forced him to realize his parents wouldn't be there to support him forever, and he actually did start moving towards a more stable career situation and taking more financial responsibility for himself.

Only now, ILs are totally depending on BIL for their current life, and don't want him to do anything that would jeopardize him being basically on 24/7 call for them. This is super limiting to his career potential and has also basically killed any chance that he will have a serious long term relationship even now that he's doing better financially and could realistically live on his own.

We have offered to move ILs down near us so we could take on that work. We've also talked about looking into assisted living (ILs are early 80s). ILs refuse, their current situation is working for them. But it's stunting BIL's life. And since he did spend basically a decade living off of them, he and they feel like he owes them this. Which maybe he does! I don't think it was the right choice for him to move in with them 10+ years ago, either.

At this point, it feels like he's going to care for them until they die, at which point he will inherit their house, and that will be the end of that. I think it's a sad life for him. He is very resentful towards DH, who he feels "got everything" (career, family, a home), but the truth is that DH worked for those things and didn't spend a decade letting his parents take care of him in his 30s and 40s.

So just be very careful with this. Closeness among family is nice. Codependency is toxic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know my parents are happy that my sibling and I live close by. They get to see us and all the grandkids on a weekly basis.

This is us too

[Anonymous]

I'm happy DC chose to move back here after grad school, when they could have moved almost anywhere in the country that has an airport. DC specifically mentioned wanting to be close to family and friends.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry, op, but your question is ridiculous because it is obviously very relationship specific. You know your brother and you know your parents and you know their relationship. You are in a far better position to know whether this is a good idea than any of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Really depends on the situation, but here's an example of how it can go wrong:

BIL started renting a room in IL's house around 35 to "get back on his feet" out of kind of washing out professionally and needing to start over. However, this quickly led to codependence by BIL on ILs -- MIL made all his meals, his social circle shrank to include just his parents and one other friend (who was married with kids, so when BIL spent time with that friend, he was also basically part of their family life -- he had not friends who felt like peers). BIL continued to flounder professionally, started working at low level retail jobs with zero ambition for more. He didn't technically "need" more money because his rent was cheap and his parents bought most of his food, so he just had to cobble together enough for his car and entertainment. He wasn't saving or investing at all. He dated a little but it went poorly (how many women do you know who would be interested in dating a man in this situation).

But it gets worse. Because in his 40s, things shifted. ILs got older and needed more help around the house and with things like doctor's appointments and some basic things. We helped out when we visited but have young kids so we can't be there all the time. BIL, to his credit, picked up the slack. And I think it also forced him to realize his parents wouldn't be there to support him forever, and he actually did start moving towards a more stable career situation and taking more financial responsibility for himself.

Only now, ILs are totally depending on BIL for their current life, and don't want him to do anything that would jeopardize him being basically on 24/7 call for them. This is super limiting to his career potential and has also basically killed any chance that he will have a serious long term relationship even now that he's doing better financially and could realistically live on his own.

We have offered to move ILs down near us so we could take on that work. We've also talked about looking into assisted living (ILs are early 80s). ILs refuse, their current situation is working for them. But it's stunting BIL's life. And since he did spend basically a decade living off of them, he and they feel like he owes them this. Which maybe he does! I don't think it was the right choice for him to move in with them 10+ years ago, either.

At this point, it feels like he's going to care for them until they die, at which point he will inherit their house, and that will be the end of that. I think it's a sad life for him. He is very resentful towards DH, who he feels "got everything" (career, family, a home), but the truth is that DH worked for those things and didn't spend a decade letting his parents take care of him in his 30s and 40s.

So just be very careful with this. Closeness among family is nice. Codependency is toxic.

The resentment is only the manifestation of his inability to be on his own, PP. If he was a normal adult, he would not have any problems moving out and helping his parents like the rest of us do. My husband's oldest brother lived with his mother for a while, despite owning several homes and working like crazy, because she's disabled, and she was happy to have him around to help, in addition to her rotating cast of aides. He then met someone who demanded they live together in one of his houses, like a normal couple, and we are so thankful he chose to do that, instead of continuing to live with MIL. She's a really nice woman, but like you said, it wasn't good for BIL to keep living with her. He's in a much better mental situation with a fiancee, living in his own house. It's not like MIL has been abandoned either. But we were worried for a while.

So your BIL has deep-seated issues. He should address those instead of whining.

[Anonymous]

DD, 26, lives about five miles from me, and I'm happy she's so close. She comes over once or twice a week. (I rarely go to the apartment she shares with her boyfriend, though.)

No grandkids yet, but I'd be really glad if they were still living so close then.

I moved 350+ miles from home right after college and I know my mom wishes I hadn't, so I know how lucky I am.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Really depends on the situation, but here's an example of how it can go wrong:

BIL started renting a room in IL's house around 35 to "get back on his feet" out of kind of washing out professionally and needing to start over. However, this quickly led to codependence by BIL on ILs -- MIL made all his meals, his social circle shrank to include just his parents and one other friend (who was married with kids, so when BIL spent time with that friend, he was also basically part of their family life -- he had not friends who felt like peers). BIL continued to flounder professionally, started working at low level retail jobs with zero ambition for more. He didn't technically "need" more money because his rent was cheap and his parents bought most of his food, so he just had to cobble together enough for his car and entertainment. He wasn't saving or investing at all. He dated a little but it went poorly (how many women do you know who would be interested in dating a man in this situation).

But it gets worse. Because in his 40s, things shifted. ILs got older and needed more help around the house and with things like doctor's appointments and some basic things. We helped out when we visited but have young kids so we can't be there all the time. BIL, to his credit, picked up the slack. And I think it also forced him to realize his parents wouldn't be there to support him forever, and he actually did start moving towards a more stable career situation and taking more financial responsibility for himself.

Only now, ILs are totally depending on BIL for their current life, and don't want him to do anything that would jeopardize him being basically on 24/7 call for them. This is super limiting to his career potential and has also basically killed any chance that he will have a serious long term relationship even now that he's doing better financially and could realistically live on his own.

We have offered to move ILs down near us so we could take on that work. We've also talked about looking into assisted living (ILs are early 80s). ILs refuse, their current situation is working for them. But it's stunting BIL's life. And since he did spend basically a decade living off of them, he and they feel like he owes them this. Which maybe he does! I don't think it was the right choice for him to move in with them 10+ years ago, either.

At this point, it feels like he's going to care for them until they die, at which point he will inherit their house, and that will be the end of that. I think it's a sad life for him. He is very resentful towards DH, who he feels "got everything" (career, family, a home), but the truth is that DH worked for those things and didn't spend a decade letting his parents take care of him in his 30s and 40s.

So just be very careful with this. Closeness among family is nice. Codependency is toxic.

The resentment is only the manifestation of his inability to be on his own, PP. If he was a normal adult, he would not have any problems moving out and helping his parents like the rest of us do. My husband's oldest brother lived with his mother for a while, despite owning several homes and working like crazy, because she's disabled, and she was happy to have him around to help, in addition to her rotating cast of aides. He then met someone who demanded they live together in one of his houses, like a normal couple, and we are so thankful he chose to do that, instead of continuing to live with MIL. She's a really nice woman, but like you said, it wasn't good for BIL to keep living with her. He's in a much better mental situation with a fiancee, living in his own house. It's not like MIL has been abandoned either. But we were worried for a while.

So your BIL has deep-seated issues. He should address those instead of whining.

DP His deep-seated issues were made worse by him accepting the excessive help the parents provided. His life could have gone in a different direction if they had not rescued him with no expectation of him paying rent and buying groceries. Therefore those parents of adult children reading this thread who might be considering such a scenario to not be harmful to the adult child might want to think again.