WFH and Nanny

[Anonymous]

I've been working from home more frequently, while our nanny is with our 3 kids. The first couple of months it seemed to work well, but recently the kids can't seem to stay away from me (and the nanny doesn't do a lot to help).

My issue is I don't want to be entirely off-limits to the kids. At one point early on, my oldest came home from school and politely knocked on my office door and came in to talk to me about a problem she was having with her friends - and I'm glad she interrupted me. On another occasion my son started feeling sick and wanted me, and I was happy to be there to take care of him. I love that kind of flexibility, and it's why I appreciate being able to WFH.

However. That doesn't mean I want my kids all over me every single afternoon. Or coming to ask me a question our nanny should handle, like whether we have crackers. It's ridiculous.

What do I do here? Is what I'm looking for - which I actually briefly HAD - an impossible goal? To WFH while kids are with nanny, but be present and available if (seriously) needed?

[Anonymous]

Yes, it's impossible for the kids and awkward as heck for the nanny

[Anonymous]

OP this is on you. You chose to allow the lines to blur, and you’ve put your nanny is a terrible position. Do you really expect her to tell the kids that they can’t go to the next room and see their mother?

You have two choices:

1. Return to the office.

2. Firmly tell your kids that you can be disturbed during the work day only in cases of real emergencies. If they wouldn’t call you in the office with a problem, they shouldn’t interrupt you in your home office either.

One thing you cannot do is hold the nanny responsible for any of it. Her job is to take care of the kids. It’s not to keep them from bothering you.

[Anonymous]

I am a nanny who has worked with at least one parent in the home for all of my families for the last 15 years. This is 100% on you and you are the only one who can fix it. Of course your kids are going to want you to answer their random questions or show you a drawing they made, or get a hug, or complain that the nanny said no to XYZ, or whine that their sibling is being mean or or or…

The problem is that you are expecting your kids and your nanny to both have and enforce the same no specific list of acceptable reasons to disrupt your day. The kids have no idea what is and isn’t acceptable and the nanny might understand if you explained it but she is probably concerned that if she keeps the kids from you and they get upset then you will be mad at HER.

So
1) You can’t have wishy-washy rules about when they can interrupt and when they can’t
2) You need to have clear communication with kids and with nanny about when you are available and when you are not
3) YOU have to be the one to enforce it, at lease at first, because the kids have learned that you are the one who allows the interruptions.

All that said, I get that you wish you could be there for your kids, but something you need to mourn and accept is that working during the hours your kids are home and awake means that you are not available to them on any random schedule. What you CAN do, however is build in predictable times to be available on a schedule that works for them and you and you can connect with them during your work hours and give them some time to let you know if they have something going on that they need or want your help with.

What that might look like is you taking your lunch break in two parts and having one of those parts be the first half hour when your kids get home from school, so you can sit and have a snack with them while the nanny cleans our their backpacks or starts a load of laundry or something. Build it into the day, so that the kids know that that is their window to ask for more of your time if they feel like they need it, but also that the rest of the time they need to ask the nanny or wait until you are off for the day.

As for sick kids, you can certainly decide that you are going to handle sick kids yourself, but just know that generally that will result in kids being “sick” more often for attention from mom, and with multiple kids, the days they are “sick” plus the days they are legitimately sick, plus routine doctor and dentist visits…it can add up quickly. Think about what you actually want to and can truly commit to, bearing in mind the problems it will cause if one kid is better at faking it and gets more attention, etc. Lots of ways this can go sideways. It might work better to do something like if they are sick you will check on them X times a day for Y minutes between meetings so they know you will be around but also you aren’t locked in to skipping work every time someone gets a cold.

[Anonymous]

I wfh with 3 kids and a nanny. I come out of my office briefly to make lunch while my youngest is napping and my other kids usually say a quick hello if they are home. I don’t come down otherwise and they aren’t allowed to knock in the door or bother me while working. This is a firm rule, unless there is some type of emergency and my nanny actually needed me (this hasn’t happened in the 2 yrs she’s been with us) the kids are expected to behave as though I am not home.

Because “good” reasons to bother you are completely subjective I think it’s best to have a firm boundary. While I’m working our nanny is 100% in charge and their caregiver. If they want to tell me something, it has to wait until after work.

[Anonymous]

Sadly, I think the other posters are right, OP. You’ve got to draw a firm boundary and hold it. That’s what we do - we say goodbye to the kids in the morning and they don’t see us until 5pm, even though we’re right downstairs.

The only two things that might be worth a try:

1) a set time when you come out and spend time with them each day, coordinated with the nanny and consistent.

2) if your kids are older (elementary age) you could try some kind of visit limit. Like, maybe each week, each kid get a special ticket (laminated piece of paper?) that they can “spend” to go visit mom once that week. I’ve heard of parents who do something like this for bedtime requests with some success. You def can’t limit by topic/value/emotional resonance (too grey) but a number of visits limit might have the kids do that naturally. Might be worth a shot!

[Anonymous]

Count your blessings that you have a nanny who will work for a Work from home parent. Many won't because of parents like you.

[Anonymous]

Why not just have nanny text you to ask if you're available? Same as if you were at the office and the kids wanted to video chat or have you come home because they're sick. You should be able to explain to older child that most questions go to the nanny first but you're there for her if the nanny confirms you're not busy. Older child can help redirect younger child to ask nanny about snacks and ask when they can visit mommy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why not just have nanny text you to ask if you're available? Same as if you were at the office and the kids wanted to video chat or have you come home because they're sick. You should be able to explain to older child that most questions go to the nanny first but you're there for her if the nanny confirms you're not busy. Older child can help redirect younger child to ask nanny about snacks and ask when they can visit mommy.

I have a nanny, I'm the 11:11 poster above, and I think this is a terrible idea. It's not the nanny's job to manage this.

[Anonymous]

My spouse and I work at home often but I work fewer hours. If he’s working, the kids are expected to act as if he’s at the office, and I handle everything. During a very rough period my husband would come do a quick check in with our struggling kid at a pre specified time (when they got home from school) but it was always he came down, not the kids went into the office to chat. I think that’s been helpful.

Depending on how flexible your schedule is, you could have the nanny text you updates about the kids day like she might even if you were at the office and you could decide if and when you wanted to come out and visit. But I’d still try and have it be specific times. My kids can’t handle wondering if dad will appear even if I’m available and trying to be fun.