Supporting cross dresser

[Anonymous]

My younger cousin is staying with us for an internship this summer and fall. He’s in undergrad and cross dresses. In talking to him, it’s clear that he hasn’t really thought about navigating safety. How can I help him safety plan in a way that’s supportive without coming across that I don’t support him?

[Anonymous]

Where does he cross dress? In public? At work?

Unfortunately the most recent famous cross-dresser who cross dressed (not dressed to fit a transgender identity) at a regular non-entertainment job (a member of the President's staff) turned out to be a mentally ill criminal who committed thefts specifically related to cross dressing.

[Anonymous]

In public

[Anonymous]

Trans woman here. Does your cousin identify as a cisgender man, transgender woman, or nonbinary/genderqueer? Depending on the answer, I could provide some additional specific suggestions but I will assume a cis man that cross dresses based on the pronouns used and I will also use those pronouns.

Gay bars/clubs would be a place he could go and no one would so much as bat an eye. Going to the grocery store or the hardware store or something is a different situation. He will get stares. Most people will stare for five seconds and look away. Others will continue to stare the entire time he's in their field of vision. For this small minority, his choices are to stare back (most people will look away eventually but some will continue to stare), say hi to them and smile (this is shocking to most people), or ignore them.

I'm assuming here that your cousin is not on estrogen. Most people have no idea what a transgender woman looks like. They think we look like men in dresses. Your cousin will look like what most cisgender people think of as a trans woman stereotype. This can be really dangerous right now in the current political climate so he should be careful where he travels. Don't go out at night. Bathrooms will be a problem. Cisgender men aren't going to want to be in the bathroom (or have their sons in the bathroom) with a man wearing a dress and heels though most men would hurry out or just wait until he leaves, some will be very upset. The women's room will be difficult because he will not have physical changes from hormones like trans women get. So I would recommend finding places that have single stall restrooms and frequenting those businesses.

The things you would tell your daughter to do for basic safety are not generally told to boys so don't expect him to have any understanding of basic personal safety in public which is why I mentioned telling him not to walk alone at night. Most people in most places, especially in public, will be fine. Some small number of people will go absolutely nuts when they see anyone even slightly gender nonconforming. Have him carry pepper spray. When he's walking alone, he should check behind to make sure no one is following.

It's really just personal safety advice that could be applied to most people but again, if he identifies as trans or is on hormones, I would probably add a few things.

[Anonymous]

NP here. This is a very informative post. It’s sad that others are so bothered by what other people do with their lives. Why can’t people just live and let live?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Trans woman here. Does your cousin identify as a cisgender man, transgender woman, or nonbinary/genderqueer? Depending on the answer, I could provide some additional specific suggestions but I will assume a cis man that cross dresses based on the pronouns used and I will also use those pronouns.

Gay bars/clubs would be a place he could go and no one would so much as bat an eye. Going to the grocery store or the hardware store or something is a different situation. He will get stares. Most people will stare for five seconds and look away. Others will continue to stare the entire time he's in their field of vision. For this small minority, his choices are to stare back (most people will look away eventually but some will continue to stare), say hi to them and smile (this is shocking to most people), or ignore them.

I'm assuming here that your cousin is not on estrogen. Most people have no idea what a transgender woman looks like. They think we look like men in dresses. Your cousin will look like what most cisgender people think of as a trans woman stereotype. This can be really dangerous right now in the current political climate so he should be careful where he travels. Don't go out at night. Bathrooms will be a problem. Cisgender men aren't going to want to be in the bathroom (or have their sons in the bathroom) with a man wearing a dress and heels though most men would hurry out or just wait until he leaves, some will be very upset. The women's room will be difficult because he will not have physical changes from hormones like trans women get. So I would recommend finding places that have single stall restrooms and frequenting those businesses.

The things you would tell your daughter to do for basic safety are not generally told to boys so don't expect him to have any understanding of basic personal safety in public which is why I mentioned telling him not to walk alone at night. Most people in most places, especially in public, will be fine. Some small number of people will go absolutely nuts when they see anyone even slightly gender nonconforming. Have him carry pepper spray. When he's walking alone, he should check behind to make sure no one is following.

It's really just personal safety advice that could be applied to most people but again, if he identifies as trans or is on hormones, I would probably add a few things.

Thank you so much. This is very helpful. He is either not sure what he ids as or I have not created an atmosphere where he is comfortable sharing. The other thing is he is multi racial Latinx presenting while his friends are all white. I don’t think anyone has talked to him about this added layer.

I think focusing on safety is good. I asked him what he’d want me to do if someone was nasty to him while we were out. He didn’t have a response. Any thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trans woman here. Does your cousin identify as a cisgender man, transgender woman, or nonbinary/genderqueer? Depending on the answer, I could provide some additional specific suggestions but I will assume a cis man that cross dresses based on the pronouns used and I will also use those pronouns.

Gay bars/clubs would be a place he could go and no one would so much as bat an eye. Going to the grocery store or the hardware store or something is a different situation. He will get stares. Most people will stare for five seconds and look away. Others will continue to stare the entire time he's in their field of vision. For this small minority, his choices are to stare back (most people will look away eventually but some will continue to stare), say hi to them and smile (this is shocking to most people), or ignore them.

I'm assuming here that your cousin is not on estrogen. Most people have no idea what a transgender woman looks like. They think we look like men in dresses. Your cousin will look like what most cisgender people think of as a trans woman stereotype. This can be really dangerous right now in the current political climate so he should be careful where he travels. Don't go out at night. Bathrooms will be a problem. Cisgender men aren't going to want to be in the bathroom (or have their sons in the bathroom) with a man wearing a dress and heels though most men would hurry out or just wait until he leaves, some will be very upset. The women's room will be difficult because he will not have physical changes from hormones like trans women get. So I would recommend finding places that have single stall restrooms and frequenting those businesses.

The things you would tell your daughter to do for basic safety are not generally told to boys so don't expect him to have any understanding of basic personal safety in public which is why I mentioned telling him not to walk alone at night. Most people in most places, especially in public, will be fine. Some small number of people will go absolutely nuts when they see anyone even slightly gender nonconforming. Have him carry pepper spray. When he's walking alone, he should check behind to make sure no one is following.

It's really just personal safety advice that could be applied to most people but again, if he identifies as trans or is on hormones, I would probably add a few things.

Thank you so much. This is very helpful. He is either not sure what he ids as or I have not created an atmosphere where he is comfortable sharing. The other thing is he is multi racial Latinx presenting while his friends are all white. I don’t think anyone has talked to him about this added layer.

I think focusing on safety is good. I asked him what he’d want me to do if someone was nasty to him while we were out. He didn’t have a response. Any thoughts?

I would tell him how you think you would react and ask him how feels about that. And then, here is the really hard part, if that circumstance actually happens asking him again before you react.

[Anonymous]

Sigh. I look forward to the day when clothing isn't gendered, and we all just wear whatever we want. I think we are making baby steps in that direction.

[Anonymous]

Op. You sound like you are a great cousin willing to put in the work. Thank you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trans woman here. Does your cousin identify as a cisgender man, transgender woman, or nonbinary/genderqueer? Depending on the answer, I could provide some additional specific suggestions but I will assume a cis man that cross dresses based on the pronouns used and I will also use those pronouns.

Gay bars/clubs would be a place he could go and no one would so much as bat an eye. Going to the grocery store or the hardware store or something is a different situation. He will get stares. Most people will stare for five seconds and look away. Others will continue to stare the entire time he's in their field of vision. For this small minority, his choices are to stare back (most people will look away eventually but some will continue to stare), say hi to them and smile (this is shocking to most people), or ignore them.

I'm assuming here that your cousin is not on estrogen. Most people have no idea what a transgender woman looks like. They think we look like men in dresses. Your cousin will look like what most cisgender people think of as a trans woman stereotype. This can be really dangerous right now in the current political climate so he should be careful where he travels. Don't go out at night. Bathrooms will be a problem. Cisgender men aren't going to want to be in the bathroom (or have their sons in the bathroom) with a man wearing a dress and heels though most men would hurry out or just wait until he leaves, some will be very upset. The women's room will be difficult because he will not have physical changes from hormones like trans women get. So I would recommend finding places that have single stall restrooms and frequenting those businesses.

The things you would tell your daughter to do for basic safety are not generally told to boys so don't expect him to have any understanding of basic personal safety in public which is why I mentioned telling him not to walk alone at night. Most people in most places, especially in public, will be fine. Some small number of people will go absolutely nuts when they see anyone even slightly gender nonconforming. Have him carry pepper spray. When he's walking alone, he should check behind to make sure no one is following.

It's really just personal safety advice that could be applied to most people but again, if he identifies as trans or is on hormones, I would probably add a few things.

Thank you so much. This is very helpful. He is either not sure what he ids as or I have not created an atmosphere where he is comfortable sharing. The other thing is he is multi racial Latinx presenting while his friends are all white. I don’t think anyone has talked to him about this added layer.

I think focusing on safety is good. I asked him what he’d want me to do if someone was nasty to him while we were out. He didn’t have a response. Any thoughts?

These types of situations don't happen as often when someone is in a group. People are emboldened when they see a potential target that's alone so you shouldn't expect to witness anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trans woman here. Does your cousin identify as a cisgender man, transgender woman, or nonbinary/genderqueer? Depending on the answer, I could provide some additional specific suggestions but I will assume a cis man that cross dresses based on the pronouns used and I will also use those pronouns.

Gay bars/clubs would be a place he could go and no one would so much as bat an eye. Going to the grocery store or the hardware store or something is a different situation. He will get stares. Most people will stare for five seconds and look away. Others will continue to stare the entire time he's in their field of vision. For this small minority, his choices are to stare back (most people will look away eventually but some will continue to stare), say hi to them and smile (this is shocking to most people), or ignore them.

I'm assuming here that your cousin is not on estrogen. Most people have no idea what a transgender woman looks like. They think we look like men in dresses. Your cousin will look like what most cisgender people think of as a trans woman stereotype. This can be really dangerous right now in the current political climate so he should be careful where he travels. Don't go out at night. Bathrooms will be a problem. Cisgender men aren't going to want to be in the bathroom (or have their sons in the bathroom) with a man wearing a dress and heels though most men would hurry out or just wait until he leaves, some will be very upset. The women's room will be difficult because he will not have physical changes from hormones like trans women get. So I would recommend finding places that have single stall restrooms and frequenting those businesses.

The things you would tell your daughter to do for basic safety are not generally told to boys so don't expect him to have any understanding of basic personal safety in public which is why I mentioned telling him not to walk alone at night. Most people in most places, especially in public, will be fine. Some small number of people will go absolutely nuts when they see anyone even slightly gender nonconforming. Have him carry pepper spray. When he's walking alone, he should check behind to make sure no one is following.

It's really just personal safety advice that could be applied to most people but again, if he identifies as trans or is on hormones, I would probably add a few things.

Thank you so much. This is very helpful. He is either not sure what he ids as or I have not created an atmosphere where he is comfortable sharing. The other thing is he is multi racial Latinx presenting while his friends are all white. I don’t think anyone has talked to him about this added layer.

I think focusing on safety is good. I asked him what he’d want me to do if someone was nasty to him while we were out. He didn’t have a response. Any thoughts?

I would tell him how you think you would react and ask him how feels about that. And then, here is the really hard part, if that circumstance actually happens asking him again before you react.

Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trans woman here. Does your cousin identify as a cisgender man, transgender woman, or nonbinary/genderqueer? Depending on the answer, I could provide some additional specific suggestions but I will assume a cis man that cross dresses based on the pronouns used and I will also use those pronouns.

Gay bars/clubs would be a place he could go and no one would so much as bat an eye. Going to the grocery store or the hardware store or something is a different situation. He will get stares. Most people will stare for five seconds and look away. Others will continue to stare the entire time he's in their field of vision. For this small minority, his choices are to stare back (most people will look away eventually but some will continue to stare), say hi to them and smile (this is shocking to most people), or ignore them.

I'm assuming here that your cousin is not on estrogen. Most people have no idea what a transgender woman looks like. They think we look like men in dresses. Your cousin will look like what most cisgender people think of as a trans woman stereotype. This can be really dangerous right now in the current political climate so he should be careful where he travels. Don't go out at night. Bathrooms will be a problem. Cisgender men aren't going to want to be in the bathroom (or have their sons in the bathroom) with a man wearing a dress and heels though most men would hurry out or just wait until he leaves, some will be very upset. The women's room will be difficult because he will not have physical changes from hormones like trans women get. So I would recommend finding places that have single stall restrooms and frequenting those businesses.

The things you would tell your daughter to do for basic safety are not generally told to boys so don't expect him to have any understanding of basic personal safety in public which is why I mentioned telling him not to walk alone at night. Most people in most places, especially in public, will be fine. Some small number of people will go absolutely nuts when they see anyone even slightly gender nonconforming. Have him carry pepper spray. When he's walking alone, he should check behind to make sure no one is following.

It's really just personal safety advice that could be applied to most people but again, if he identifies as trans or is on hormones, I would probably add a few things.

Thank you so much. This is very helpful. He is either not sure what he ids as or I have not created an atmosphere where he is comfortable sharing. The other thing is he is multi racial Latinx presenting while his friends are all white. I don’t think anyone has talked to him about this added layer.

I think focusing on safety is good. I asked him what he’d want me to do if someone was nasty to him while we were out. He didn’t have a response. Any thoughts?

These types of situations don't happen as often when someone is in a group. People are emboldened when they see a potential target that's alone so you shouldn't expect to witness anything.

Thank you. I feel like I like to prep for worse case scenario. All the more reason to talk about safety while being alone

[Anonymous]

How common do you think the worst case scenario is? I think these days not many people care what someone is wearing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How common do you think the worst case scenario is? I think these days not many people care what someone is wearing.

People do still stare, comment, etc. OP, I would also ask him for his plan if he sees people filming him in public (this happened to a friend of mine who does not pass well) if that would bother him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How common do you think the worst case scenario is? I think these days not many people care what someone is wearing.

People do still stare, comment, etc. OP, I would also ask him for his plan if he sees people filming him in public (this happened to a friend of mine who does not pass well) if that would bother him.

I saw a dog wearing little doggie shoes at King's Dominion and I couldn't help by stare. I even discreetly took a photo (the owner was sitting alone in a wheelchair, not like he was going to come after me.)