My teen came home in Feb and never left
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Anonymous
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I have been divorced for about five years. For most of it, my youngest daughter has followed the custody schedule. But she came back from her mother’s in February and never went back.
At first I figured maybe it was related to senior year in HS - I live a mile from it and her mother lives 10 miles away. Eventually I asked and she basically said her mother had told her to get out; to me, who was married to her for 16 years, that sounded like the sort of thing she would say in the heat of anger and probably didn’t mean, and I told DD this. But I think DD has really taken this literally and uses the word “insane” to describe her mother… This has gotten to the point where I am out of town for 10 days and rather than go stay at her mother’s, she is staying et our home alone, despite the fact that she is going away to college in a month. Since the divorce I have made it a point to not try to interfere with my kids’ relationships with their mom. I never disparage my ex, refuse to discuss her affair with them, and in general only discuss her as neutrally as possible if they initiate a conversation. However, I finally did ask my ex what is up and she is saying she doesn’t understand why DD is behaving this way and she does sound sad about it. However, a couple of months ago she sent all of DD’s clothing over to my house in three giant contractor bags. Should I tell my ex that DD feels like she got kicked out of her house? Or just continue to stay out of it and not meddle in their relationship? |
Anonymous
| Talk to your ex about it, at least to get both sides. You are not meddling when you talk to your child’s mother about your child. |
Anonymous
| No, you speak to the mother. That’s not meddling. It’s your child’s mom. Then you both come up with suggestions on how to help your daughter navigate this. |
Anonymous
| Meh. She’s off to college in a month. She’s practically an adult. It’s now time for the two of them to navigate their own relationship. Stay out of it. |
Anonymous
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Your daughter’s been there since February, getting ready to go to college in a month and now that you have to be gone for 10 days you’re wondering if you should talk to her mom about what happened?
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Anonymous
| Does her mom not care that she never comes to stay with her? If not (and it sounds like she doesn’t) that’s telling in itself. |
Anonymous
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OP here.
I will say my oldest daughter did something similar in her final years of HS. Of course those were the COVID years too. Now that she is in college she does seem to split her time more evenly when she comes home. So maybe this is just a mother/daughter conflict and daughters prefer to live with their father for now. She says I am more relaxed about things in general (which is funny because I do show her where the lines are and my brother, in which she confides, tells me she says I am the only one who actually parents her). I guess I will contact my ex when I return. That will be fun; she’s a little bitter right now because child support ended when DD graduated from HS. I will say that DD sees her mother. But it’s more like she visits and lives with me. |
Anonymous
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Thanks for being a good Dad and being there for your daughter. It sounds like she will be with you for another 30 days until she goes away to college?
I think it is ok to share with the mother that the daughter feels like she was kicked out. Ultimately it is not on you to troubleshoot and repair their relationship. That is really on the mother. |
Anonymous
This. It is really on the mother and daughter to navigate their relationship. You can support the daughter and also be supportive of the mother (your exwife) but I would not get dragged into this. |
Anonymous
I am midway through the trip now and she is still at my house despite my suggestions that it might be a good time to go be with her Mom. I think the fact that she would rather be alone in my house has driven the point home. I have talked to my ex about this in the past. I just haven’t disclosed that DD felt kicked out. |
Anonymous
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I was this kid-- had a lot of conflict with my mom and basically moved in with my dad. I absolutely loved being there alone during his travel. I never got up to anything bad, just really enjoyed the quiet and the independence of doing my own groceries, cooking, etc. I think I was subconsciously practicing for being on my own.
Look up "soiling the nest"-- it's common for kids to be fight-y with their parents before they leave. |
Anonymous
During my senior year in HS and college, I would have preferred being in any house alone instead of staying with any relatives. As soon as I could, I got my own apartment so I could stay there on breaks and only visit the minimal amount. Now as an adult, I am very close with my parents. I just got back from taking a vacation with them and my kids. I think a lot of this is what teens and young adults go through as they try to figure out their independence. |
Anonymous
| Do your daughter and her mother speak on the phone? If her mother hasn't tried to reach out in all this time, that speaks volumes. |
Anonymous
| I'm team "meh, your kid is basically an adult." It's her decision where she'll stay on college breaks from here on out. You can encourage her to reach out to mom, but she's not a child. She's old enough to decide what kind of relationship she wants to have with mom -- or not. |
Anonymous
| There's a reason she's your ex. Let your DD work it out, if she wants to. |