How to remove emotional taint from location

[Anonymous]

My dad died (elsewhere) while we were on vacation to our regular spot that means a lot of us. We're at the airport now and doing OK, for the most part. It was not wholly unexpected.

But DD13 made a comment that annoyed me at first, then I sort of got it. She's grown up going here several times a year, and now she's afraid she'll always associate it with this bad news. She never wants to come back.

Seems petty right now, but I understand. Is this something that wears off?

[Anonymous]

I think the sad memories will wear off, especially if you are in a place that you all loved and enjoyed. Time heals a lot of wounds. Sorry for your loss on vacation. I am sure this has been traumatic event for all of you, but the upside is that you are all together.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry for your loss, OP. I was so irritable, snappish, and angry towards my kids after my dad died. And I'm an easygoing person. It was my first experience that sadness, grief, depression can sometimes be irritability rather than crying.

Grief is hard. And individual, everyone is different, with their own feelings and their own timetable. But time heals. Both you and your DD.

[Anonymous]

Everyone is somewhere when they learn a parent died.

In time, maybe you can turn it around and make your vacation spot a time to remember your father, because it reminds you of him, rather than of his death. Instead of trying to forget, embrace the opportunity to remember him in positive ways.

My in-law family (parents and sibs) do a beach week every year and we've lost both parents int he last few years. We can't help but think about them, so we tell funny stories and "remember when's". It actually makes us feel like they're there, in spirit.

[Anonymous]

It’ll wear off. When I got divorced I had to reinvent new memories of places my XH and I used to go and used to enjoy together. It took time but the new memories take the place of the tainted ones. Maybe start a new tradition at the place you love to go in memory of your dad.

And I’m so sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

13 year olds are dumb and you have to translate this for her.
What she’s really saying is:
“Wow, Grandpa meant so much to me. I know I’m going to be feeling this loss forever. Right now the grief is so acute that it’s hard to believe we could heal and find a way to honor his memory without being sad.”

[Anonymous]

I get it. I can’t go to the last restaurant my, now deceased, friend and had lunch. Just can’t get over it. Hopefully it will fade a bit.

[Anonymous]

I understand, some places bring back really sad memories for me.

You can either avoid the place next year, or go back and deal with the grief again, then make new memories, which might be more helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it. I can’t go to the last restaurant my, now deceased, friend and had lunch. Just can’t get over it. Hopefully it will fade a bit.

My father was a minister. It was two years until I could attend a church service again, after he died, and I still cannot say his favorite prayer or sing his favorite hymn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:13 year olds are dumb and you have to translate this for her.
What she’s really saying is:
“Wow, Grandpa meant so much to me. I know I’m going to be feeling this loss forever. Right now the grief is so acute that it’s hard to believe we could heal and find a way to honor his memory without being sad.”

13 year olds are not dumb and she articulated her feelings just fine. How she feels today is not how she’ll feel forever.

[Anonymous]

Agree that grief fades, but you asked about removing taint and others mentioned new memories, so how about trying some of that?

Pack in new memories and find a way to ritualize them. So for instance if it's a place that has an ice cream shop, you say "remember when billy ordered the cone and dropped it" then grasp anything memorable at the new trip to add onto - "mom tried the new peach flavor but dad ate it all!"

If you want to get real intense you can make a photo journal or just write down new, nice memories. Every place will start to get locked in with new data. Hopefully!

[Anonymous]

One of the things we did was have a family event at the location, and then each person said something positive they remembered about our loved one. It brought good memories to the location, instead remembering the loss.

[Anonymous]

I would check yourself on be annoyed at your teen, expressing their emotions to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:13 year olds are dumb and you have to translate this for her.
What she’s really saying is:
“Wow, Grandpa meant so much to me. I know I’m going to be feeling this loss forever. Right now the grief is so acute that it’s hard to believe we could heal and find a way to honor his memory without being sad.”

Wow, what a strange read of the situation. A 13 year old with expressing their emotions to their parent, what is dumb about that? The fact that this made OP annoyed is…. Dumb. Hopefully OP doesn’t regularly diminish their teens feelings, especially when it doesn’t happen to be convenient or comfortable for OP.

[Anonymous]

My condolences, OP.

So your father did not pass away in your vacation spot, but you were at that location when you heard the sad news?

I think the association will not be too long-lasting, but I could be wrong. The important thing is to validate her legitimate feelings for now, hoping they will pass.

I'm sorry.