telling a child that they were born via donor embryo

[Anonymous]

My child was born via a surrogate with a donor embryo. A lot to process. Has anyone been in this situation and had to explain it to a child? I have told her that she was in someone else's belly, etc and she seemed to get it and we have had a couple of conversations when it comes up (seeing pregant women) and it doesn't seem like a big deal. She is little and feel like the rest of it is a lot.

[Anonymous]

How old is she?

I'm coming from the perspective of an adoptive parent. My opinion is that it's best to bring it up casually, before they're old enough to make sense. The goal with a really young kid isn't that they "get it", it's that when they're older and you are ready for real conversations with the details, they'll be like "oh, I've heard that word before" and they won't feel like anything was hidden, or shameful.

[Anonymous]

It's actually not a lot. Go for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is she?

I'm coming from the perspective of an adoptive parent. My opinion is that it's best to bring it up casually, before they're old enough to make sense. The goal with a really young kid isn't that they "get it", it's that when they're older and you are ready for real conversations with the details, they'll be like "oh, I've heard that word before" and they won't feel like anything was hidden, or shameful.

+1 - and make sure to get the whole story out by the time they are 12

[Anonymous]

How did you not have to go to counseling for this? We used a donor egg and had to. You bring it up regularly and early on so that there is no big moment of truth--it's just something the kid has always known.

[Anonymous]

We did go to counseling and I have resources. Just curious other people's experiences.

[Anonymous]

DC recently turned 3. I am a single mom and used a donated embryo.

I have a gay friend from college who has 2 tween kids created using donor material. That friend told me they tell their kids their "birth story" every year on each child's birthday. Its a family thing and the details got filled-in more as they grew-up.

I started telling DC a birth story this year. I talked about wanting to be a mommy and how DC is special bc its just the two of us. I say that I got help from a doctor and DC was created from a seed with a "teeny tiny piece" donated from a man and a woman. "If you are very lucky the special seed grows into a baby in the mommy's tummy." I showed DC my ultrasound and newborn pictures.

At this age I also emphasized my feelings of love and list all the people who loves DC: my parents, siblings, nieces and nephews.

[Anonymous]

Agree that age appropriate true information regularly delivered is best

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you're off to a good start OP.

Age appropriate information, as soon as questions or opportunities come up. More information as they grow into it. Sufficiently full disclosure that you are comfortable discussing it fully before they even really understand what you're telling them. (I needed to "practice" talking about it until I could do so without shame. I didn't want my own complicated feelings of grief/inadequacy/loss in any way color how my children hear me talk about the amazing miracle and gift it is that we get to be their parents.)

My kids have had more questions as they've gotten older (now in middle school) but they're grown up talking about the many ways people grow into families, so hopefully they don't feel any stigma - just how very much they were wanted and how lucky we are.

It gets easier the more you talk about it, in my experience at least.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's actually not a lot. Go for it.

Not a big deal for you. Will likely be a lot for the kid (at least some day).