Seeking advice about how to set up a playdate with the daughter of a separated/divorced couple

[Anonymous]

What's the etiquette? Is it ok to communicate with just one parent? Do I loop in the other just to "clear" the playdate?

My kid and the daughter of this couple are both 6, btw.

Appreciate thoughts!

[Anonymous]

I generally communicate with the mom, since that’s typically who coordinates this stuff in my circles regardless.

Sometimes the mom will loop in dad when necessary, in which case I follow up with him directly.

[Anonymous]

If I've already had contact with one parent (say, at drop off or pick up), I text that parent. They'll either make the arrangements or tell me that the other parent has the child that week or whatever. If I've never interacted with either parent, I text/email both of them (together).

[Anonymous]

Divorced mom here - My ideal situation is the other parent saying, "We'd love to have a play date some time. What weekends work for you?" Then the parent will give you times the child is with them.

If it's a party/set date, you can send to both (if you have the contact info) or whoever you talk to most. My ex and I do not have a good relationship, but we still forward each other birthday invites for our children's friends and try to take them when we can.

[Anonymous]

For playdates I contact only the parent who initiated it. The tricky part are birthdays, usually for birthdays I sent the invitation to both parents (I usually don’t know which one of them has custody a specific week-end).
I had a bad experience with a birthday DC was invited. I assumed the parents were celebrating the kid together so I contacted bith. Turned out they were having a big issue about where/when the birthday should be and they cancelled the party at the last moment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorced mom here - My ideal situation is the other parent saying, "We'd love to have a play date some time. What weekends work for you?" Then the parent will give you times the child is with them.

If it's a party/set date, you can send to both (if you have the contact info) or whoever you talk to most. My ex and I do not have a good relationship, but we still forward each other birthday invites for our children's friends and try to take them when we can.

Do this.

I once extended the invite to both sets of parents for a drop off playdate. Mom brought the kid. Dad showed up and picked up the kid a little early. Mom showed up ten minutes later, looking for her kid.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you, all!

A bit of a follow up question: do I need to request both parents' "permission" to have a play date, or should I assume that the parent with whom I was communicating (in this case, the dad) has full say?

I know this might sound weird, but I just want to be respectful of both parents' wants/needs/preferences.

I have no reason to believe the mom would say no.

I also want to be able to schedule a play date in the future by reaching out to the mom.

Does this make sense?

Thanks for everyone's thoughtful comments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you, all!

A bit of a follow up question: do I need to request both parents' "permission" to have a play date, or should I assume that the parent with whom I was communicating (in this case, the dad) has full say?

I know this might sound weird, but I just want to be respectful of both parents' wants/needs/preferences.

I have no reason to believe the mom would say no.

I also want to be able to schedule a play date in the future by reaching out to the mom.

Does this make sense?

Thanks for everyone's thoughtful comments.

You only need to consult the custodial parent at the time of the event. I (divorced mom) would be a bit annoyed if another parent asked my ex for permission on the scheduled time with me. That parent could always consult with the other parent if need be - say for a vacation out of state, religious event, or whatever gets someone's hackles up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you, all!

A bit of a follow up question: do I need to request both parents' "permission" to have a play date, or should I assume that the parent with whom I was communicating (in this case, the dad) has full say?

I know this might sound weird, but I just want to be respectful of both parents' wants/needs/preferences.

I have no reason to believe the mom would say no.

I also want to be able to schedule a play date in the future by reaching out to the mom.

Does this make sense?

Thanks for everyone's thoughtful comments.

You only need to consult the custodial parent at the time of the event. I (divorced mom) would be a bit annoyed if another parent asked my ex for permission on the scheduled time with me. That parent could always consult with the other parent if need be - say for a vacation out of state, religious event, or whatever gets someone's hackles up.

Totally agree. Ask whoever the kid will be with at the time of the play date. You don’t know what the details of their custody arrangement are — that’s their business to sort out. Sometimes you may not know who the kid will be with at the time of the playdate. In that situation I just text both parents and ask for the playdate. It’s not so complicated for you. It may be for them, but there’s not really anything you can do about it!

[Anonymous]

You’re making this way too complicated, OP. Imagine for a moment that mom has the child and makes plans with you for a play date. Do you really think you need to loop in dad to ask permission?

[Anonymous]

For one of my son's best friends, I would contact both parents separately at first because I wasn't sure of the custody schedule. They would tell me "oh he's with mom Mon-Wed," or whatever, so I can generally contact the right parent for weekdays. For weekends, I often have an idea since its alternating, but if I have lost track and I contact the wrong parent, they'll just say "he's with Dad this weekend, check with him." It's not that big a deal, they have both been patient about it, and one of them has said outright that they appreciate us pushing through the awkwardness to get the kids together.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you. Just want to be respectful of everyone involved.

I guess I'm intimately involved in every facet of my kids' lives, so I guess I feel like I would want to know with whom my kid is having a playdate.

I imagine this inability to have a say must be really hard, so impressed that you are all navigating it!

Thank you.

[Anonymous]

OP, in my case, I let parents know to contact me, the mom. I never would schedule something on ex's time, but I will ask him first (before saying anything to our dc).

He didn't keep track of this stuff when we were married anyways, so it works for us to have me handle it. If a parent went around me and texted him about it first, I would have an issue and would probably end the friendship.

[Anonymous]

Chances are there's no "right" way to do it. The couple themselves may not even know what would most often work best. Things fall through the cracks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you. Just want to be respectful of everyone involved.

I guess I'm intimately involved in every facet of my kids' lives, so I guess I feel like I would want to know with whom my kid is having a playdate.

I imagine this inability to have a say must be really hard, so impressed that you are all navigating it!

Thank you.

OP, I am divorced (and remarried) and I actually think it's nice that you want to include both parents in this. If your kid and this kid end up friends, it is excellent to have lines of communication open to both parents so that each feels comfortable bringing the kid to a birthday party and attendance doesn't depend on their custody schedule.