Superior Sibling

[Anonymous]

My younger sister is superior to me in every way and always has been. She's more intelligent, does not struggle with psychological issues, is more educated, is extroverted and has a ton of friends (while I have some friends I find it hard to connect with/feel comfortable with people), has more money, a great family life, loves her profession/job, etc. I love her but it's been hard-we are very close in age and I've been in her shadow since childhood. She was and continues to be the favorite child and while it was shitty parenting on their part (my parents frequently compare/compared us) as painful as it's been I understand why my parents favor her-I would favor her, too. We have a good relationship but after spending time with her I feel depressed. I'm in my 40's and have had so much therapy around this issue over the years and I still feel stuck.

[Anonymous]

I bet my sister could have written this, but for the parental favoritism. Honestly, I hate it because it keeps us from having a genuine relationship. We’re close, and I’ve told her to take me off the pedestal, but she can’t seem to help it. You are seeing your sister through rose-colored glasses, which is putting a strain on the relationship and makes me sad. Trust me.

[Anonymous]

Actually, I’m also oldest.

[Anonymous]

You are worthy of love and respect. Your family loves you.

[Anonymous]

Don’t blame your sister for your parents’ mistakes. The only difference between her and other “more successful” people whom you know is that you have the same parents.
Do you feel the same way about all successful people?

[Anonymous]

You’re in your 40s? When are you going to decide to love your life and take responsibility for your own happiness? It’s time to stop blaming your parents. If you need to take antidepressants and get more therapy, do that. But stop wallowing.

This isn’t a dress rehearsal. You didn’t pose a question, so I’ll pose one for you: Do you really want to spend the rest of your life depressed about this? If no, then make a decision to embrace who YOU are and all the gifts YOU have.

Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t blame your sister for your parents’ mistakes. The only difference between her and other “more successful” people whom you know is that you have the same parents.
Do you feel the same way about all successful people?

This is the OP-I do not blame my sister at all for my parents' mistakes. Not sure where you got that from my post.

[Anonymous]

It's time to start thinking about and for yourself.
If you are unhappy with yourself, figure out what would make you feel better. Start a new hobby that you can be good at? New job? Take an interesting class at a community college? Get good at baking, cooking, gardening? Volunteer?

Change/improve YOUR life and stop blaming everyone else for why you are stuck. Unstick yourself!

I too have an overachieving favored older sibling. Nothing will change all that but I can change how I feel about myself. I do a lot of the things listed above and my family respects and appreciates me for my talents, and I am starting to appreciate myself too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re in your 40s? When are you going to decide to love your life and take responsibility for your own happiness? It’s time to stop blaming your parents. If you need to take antidepressants and get more therapy, do that. But stop wallowing.

This isn’t a dress rehearsal. You didn’t pose a question, so I’ll pose one for you: Do you really want to spend the rest of your life depressed about this? If no, then make a decision to embrace who YOU are and all the gifts YOU have.

Good luck to you.

I've been on antidepressants and in therapy my entire adult life. And I certainly don't want to spend the rest of my life depressed about this-I work really hard on a daily basis to combat the depression. But nothing changes-the negative voice is still there regardless of what I do. And while I don't blame my parents for my unhappiness all of the comparing and criticism has not helped. I shouldn't have posted on here. I don't know what I was looking for. Maybe I was looking for someone in a similar situation who figured out a way to get beyond this?

It is really hard to embrace who I am when I feel as though I have made so many mistakes and am so inherently flawed. Regardless, there is nobody external that will "fix" this for me-I have to figure out a way out if there is one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's time to start thinking about and for yourself.
If you are unhappy with yourself, figure out what would make you feel better. Start a new hobby that you can be good at? New job? Take an interesting class at a community college? Get good at baking, cooking, gardening? Volunteer?

Change/improve YOUR life and stop blaming everyone else for why you are stuck. Unstick yourself!

I too have an overachieving favored older sibling. Nothing will change all that but I can change how I feel about myself. I do a lot of the things listed above and my family respects and appreciates me for my talents, and I am starting to appreciate myself too.

Thank you for the feedback-I am working on this and have done some of the things you listed above. And I know that only I can get out of this. Aside from mentioning that my parents have always negatively compared me I certainly do not blame anyone else for my stuff. And I don't talk about it with my sister-that would not be fair to her.

[Anonymous]

You being older probably shielded her from most of the issues that caused you this lifelong depression and anxiety. The older child gets the brunt of dysfunction

[Anonymous]

Assuming that some of what you've said regarding yourself has a basis in facts (hard to tell whether your version of reality is distorted by low self esteem), then it seems to me that you are failing to give yourself credit for managing/overcoming obstacles your sister never had to deal with - psychological issues, introversion (which is not a bad thing, but makes it harder to find support), constantly comparing parents, etc. Be proud of yourself for your accomplishments. Who cares if there are others who may have accomplished more or better things; that is the case for all of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Assuming that some of what you've said regarding yourself has a basis in facts (hard to tell whether your version of reality is distorted by low self esteem), then it seems to me that you are failing to give yourself credit for managing/overcoming obstacles your sister never had to deal with - psychological issues, introversion (which is not a bad thing, but makes it harder to find support), constantly comparing parents, etc. Be proud of yourself for your accomplishments. Who cares if there are others who may have accomplished more or better things; that is the case for all of us.

Thank you. I am really trying to work on doing this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You being older probably shielded her from most of the issues that caused you this lifelong depression and anxiety. The older child gets the brunt of dysfunction

This is true.

[Anonymous]

OP you need to learn to let it go and stop making comparisons. My younger DD is far more successful than I am or ever was. My parents liked her better and it is what it is. Honestly it's fine by me. I'm really proud of her.