Tell me patterns with boy/girl friendships.

[Anonymous]

My high school best friend married DH's lifelong best friend. They met through our wedding party activities. We live a block away from each others. We have two girls, they have two boys. Our oldests are 1 day apart and our younger ones are 3 weeks apart. The kids are "best friends" and we do a LOT together. The older ones are heading in to K this year. We randomly met two other families at the park, both with girls also heading into K. They befriended my daughter and when she told them her best friend Larlo was also going to be I their class, they said that their group of friends would only be girls. My daughter got defensive of Larlo and we had a really long talk about it when we got home. I was not expecting this at 5yo!

If your kids have had close boy/girl friendships, how has it gone over the years?

[Anonymous]

They tend to distance around 4th or 5th grade. They may still be friends, but not best friends. That can change again later in middle or high school.

[Anonymous]

They distance in 3rd-7th when the maturity gap and style of social interaction is more likely to be different between girls and boys. And when puberty makes them self-conscious and interested in each other in ways they're not quite ready to process. But in my experience 1:1 friendships can stay pretty strong if they spend time together in non-group settings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They distance in 3rd-7th when the maturity gap and style of social interaction is more likely to be different between girls and boys. And when puberty makes them self-conscious and interested in each other in ways they're not quite ready to process. But in my experience 1:1 friendships can stay pretty strong if they spend time together in non-group settings.

I have a girl going into 4th and this tracks. In 2nd grade she was part of a pack of boys, and I noticed a definite shift in 3rd grade. She still enjoyed playing with the boys, but gravitated more towards her friends who were girls. She is less interested in the pack of boys, but will still play with each of them one on one and more outside of school. I am expecting this to shift a bit more, but we'll see.

OP, I'd just be prepared that they might not always be best friends, and that's ok! We aren't all meant to have the same best friend at 10 that we had at age 3. Your kids and your friend's kids are sort of like cousins, so they may drift, but they will always be family in some way.

It's also ok to not want to be part of the pack of girls that is already getting into cliques in the kindergarten.

[Anonymous]

I think what pps are saying is typical op, but like anything there are outliers. Especially for family friends I think it can be different but generally even if girl girl family friends will have some ups and downs in closeness too around these ages. Kids start to have more specific interests and develop friends outside of family friends that really align, it is very normal even if you all had the same sex. That being said - we have neighbors where girl/boy have been friends since very little and are now in early high school and i just heard the boy say recently that the girl is his best friend. They stayed close all through middle school. This is a unique friendship and not super typical, but it can happen especially if neither are super on one end of extremes in more stereotypes of their gender if that makes sense.

But yeah I think it is good to teach your daughter it isn't ever ok to leave someone out for any reason really, but especially giving specific examples - it's not ok to leave someone out because they are a boy or a girl, it's not ok to leave someone out because they have a different skin color then you, or they look different then you. I find kids need very specific guidance on these things.

[Anonymous]

I have a rising 6th grader DD. she has friends of both genders. They definitely seem to self segregate around 4th/5th in a school setting but not in a mean way like you can’t hang because you’re the wrong gender.
I would try to nip this if it’s happening in K/1st.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They distance in 3rd-7th when the maturity gap and style of social interaction is more likely to be different between girls and boys. And when puberty makes them self-conscious and interested in each other in ways they're not quite ready to process. But in my experience 1:1 friendships can stay pretty strong if they spend time together in non-group settings.

I have a girl going into 4th and this tracks. In 2nd grade she was part of a pack of boys, and I noticed a definite shift in 3rd grade. She still enjoyed playing with the boys, but gravitated more towards her friends who were girls. She is less interested in the pack of boys, but will still play with each of them one on one and more outside of school. I am expecting this to shift a bit more, but we'll see.

OP, I'd just be prepared that they might not always be best friends, and that's ok! We aren't all meant to have the same best friend at 10 that we had at age 3. Your kids and your friend's kids are sort of like cousins, so they may drift, but they will always be family in some way.

It's also ok to not want to be part of the pack of girls that is already getting into cliques in the kindergarten.

Agree so much the last part is the problem. Fine if kids drift apart or gravitate to their same gender with time. Being intentionally exclusionary is bad.

[Anonymous]

5ish year olds go through a "categorize the world" stage where they want to put labels on everyone. I think that is a normal developmental process, but is NOT an excuse to be exclusionary or cliquish. Kindergarteners also tend to be more absolutist in how they describe friendships than reality. They may say they NEVER or ALWAYS play with certain kids, but actual reality tells a different story. I think this is just a good opportunity to emphasize kindness and acceptance, and keep an eye on things. But friendships and groups may evolve during the school year and your DD may not even clique with those girls at all.

And I agree that family friends are more like cousins. They'll always be there and will have that long standing relationship, but day to day friendship may ebb and flow over the next few years. Girls and boys also tend to play differently in early elementary (not always, but often), so they may just gravitate to different activities in group settings. Doesn't mean they can't be great friends with one on one play.

[Anonymous]

DD and neighbor's son were super close beginning basically from birth. They loved being together, would hang at each other's houses, etc. They didn't go to school together until 4th grade when suddenly they hated each other. I think they grew tired of other kids saying they were boyfriend/girlfriend and decided being mean to each other was an easy to stop that. But still, it kinda broke my heart.

[Anonymous]

My DD is going into K this fall. There was definitely an awareness of boys and girls in her Pre-K class this year and sometimes she would say things like, "Larlo wouldn't play with me today, because they were just playing a boys game." Or "Larla and I played girls-only." But it wasn't a fixed division; definitely changed by the hour throughout the day. I expect it will be the same in K.

[Anonymous]

I have a rising 6th grade boy. He has best friends of both genders. I think it depends on the kid…. Mine also has a sister close in age (and they are super close) so he’s very comfortable and familiar with platonic closeness with girls.

[Anonymous]

My boys only played with boys all through elementary. I’m sure they have some female acquaintances at school but we have never had a play date with a girl or been invited to a girl’s birthday party.

[Anonymous]

I noticed it in 1st grade. Boys only sit with boys at lunch and play with boys at recess. Lots of girls v boys talk. My sons never had playdates with girls. They were friendly and fine interacting with girls in the neighborhood and with their girl cousins and such, but there was a big gender division at school.

[Anonymous]

My 7.5 yo DS, who just finished 1st grade, has more girl friends, than boy friends. It may be because he’s as much into my little pony as he into legos…His “best” friend is a girl. In any case, I have noticed that he is often the only boy invited to girls’ bday parties. I guess we will see how things evolve.

[Anonymous]

My DS, who is now 14, has had a good friend who is a girl since Kindergarten. They don’t go to the same school anymore, but they hang out together. My 12 year old also has friends who are girls, but did tell me that in school starting in 4th grade, girls didn’t want to be around boys at lunch and recess.