Rec for Therapist- Food sneaking, lying, etc.

[Anonymous]

I am at my wits end and so frustrated with my 13 year old son. He has ADHD and while I understand that this makes things extra challenging, I see zero desire or effort to control himself. Despite being told he can eat whatever he wants as long as he eats at the kitchen table, he constantly sneaks food. He’ll grab individual bags of chips and granola bars and sneakily eat in the bathroom or his bedroom. If we find wrappers, etc. in the bathroom and bedroom and ask about them, he lies to our faces. We don’t heavily regulate his intake but have suggested that things like chips aren’t a good choice at 7am or remind him how pounding 8 granola bars made him sick last time. Honestly, he does that same sneaky behavior with technology, home work, etc. He will find a device in the house that is unlocked and hide it in his bedroom for later use. Or during school, he would tell us his homework is done and submit everything necessary online so his online to-do list is empty; when in reality he has turned in blank assignment. He asks to play a sport and then hides in the locker room when he doesn’t feel like going to practice and tells us he went. This child is medicated, loved and has every opportunity afforded to him. We talk to him after every instance, talk about ADHD, share that we know things are tough, tell him we will provide any support he needs, etc. We’ve bought the books, connected with the experts, all without any progress. I’m frustrated and would love your recommendations for next steps.

[Anonymous]

I was at first wondering if this was a troll copying some old post here. I have an older son who does this less but it was a pattern for a long time especially around middle school. I don't find food anymore that he's actively eating but he still hides food that he might want to eat in his backpack should an emergency arise. Weird stuff like oatmeal bags that he likes to keep in case he runs out of energy and feels hungry. I've given up as long as it's dried and doesn't attract animals. I also eventually found out my husband also was lying a lot and had the same diagnosis. That is a longer story but now we are separated and the kids don't see him much so they see less lying overall. I think maybe he was encouraging it a bit with his behavior? They probably both needed help because of their disability but only the child was in my control. It ended up being a combination of ADHD, slight autism, and anxiety and later depression and sleep issues. He now takes medication for anxiety/depression and sleep in addition to adhd. We've gone to therapists without much success. Currently in DBT therapy in Embark and it's going better than others but not really a full solution. They work with all kids and not specifically the disability but the DBT therapy is very helpful. I like that the program includes individual, group, and family therapy and skills based learning. There is less feedback than I'd like though but maybe that is because we are doing the online program. Now with a lot of light monitoring and reinforcement we got the lying to mostly stop but now there is more depression. Tutoring really helped the lying about homework. It's basically a coping mechanism for difficulty in an area. I think these are lifelong issues and I don't really know what will happen next. Right now dealing with the depression by having him do some fun stuff this summer.

[Anonymous]

We also had to limit screens. I recommend Bark.

[Anonymous]

On the sports practice we had to figure out a way to watch it and get reports weekly that he was attending. Now he stays with each practice and doesn't have that problem often. Sometimes still he will stop in the middle of practice and not finish because he's tired or sore but it doesn't happen regularly and there is no hiding. It stopped being a problem when it would have affected high school sports. Get him in a class with people he knows so he doesn't pull this stuff as often.

[Anonymous]

It's interesting in high school the behavior went away for the first two and half years and now has returned as he's approaching graduation. I think it has to do with anxiety.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he doesn’t agree that he should only eat at the table and he doesn’t care about being dishonest.

If only eating at the table is your rule, what’s the consequence if he breaks it? It should be something to do with lost trust, right?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Definitely not a troll. I agree with you that these are likely lifelong issues and worry about that. I’m am glad to hear you’ve found some things that have worked.

Sometimes I feel like I’m the one who needs a coach. My husband and I are well read on our son’s issues and there’s such conflicting info out there. Is the sneaking of food due to the fact that we’ve been too restrictive or focused on health in the past or is it just due to the adhd. We do heavily restrict online access and it’s the first thing taken away as a consequence (for anything)

I agree that he doesn’t want to eat at the kitchen table and probably doesn’t want to hear us say that chips at 7am, after a full breakfast, are a bad idea. So he takes the easy way out and gets a handful of the stuff he wants to binge on and then hides in the bathroom.

[Anonymous]

I agree maybe a therapist/ coach for you is the best idea. These are long term issues and if you have support with small goals for your child, it may be really beneficial for your family. It will give you a place to be heard and work through a positive approach and maybe even some support that this will turn out ok but here is how we can get there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was at first wondering if this was a troll copying some old post here. I have an older son who does this less but it was a pattern for a long time especially around middle school. I don't find food anymore that he's actively eating but he still hides food that he might want to eat in his backpack should an emergency arise. Weird stuff like oatmeal bags that he likes to keep in case he runs out of energy and feels hungry. I've given up as long as it's dried and doesn't attract animals. I also eventually found out my husband also was lying a lot and had the same diagnosis. That is a longer story but now we are separated and the kids don't see him much so they see less lying overall. I think maybe he was encouraging it a bit with his behavior? They probably both needed help because of their disability but only the child was in my control. It ended up being a combination of ADHD, slight autism, and anxiety and later depression and sleep issues. He now takes medication for anxiety/depression and sleep in addition to adhd. We've gone to therapists without much success. Currently in DBT therapy in Embark and it's going better than others but not really a full solution. They work with all kids and not specifically the disability but the DBT therapy is very helpful. I like that the program includes individual, group, and family therapy and skills based learning. There is less feedback than I'd like though but maybe that is because we are doing the online program. Now with a lot of light monitoring and reinforcement we got the lying to mostly stop but now there is more depression. Tutoring really helped the lying about homework. It's basically a coping mechanism for difficulty in an area. I think these are lifelong issues and I don't really know what will happen next. Right now dealing with the depression by having him do some fun stuff this summer.

I have the same adhd/asd husband and daughter. Impulse eating, lying about having done things, turns down friends. It’s been very difficult to figure out what is environmental/poor role model versus her own diagnoses and symptoms. I don’t like her copying his maladaptive “coping” mechanisms. White lies, deflections, blaming others, storming off.

I don’t knows what the payoff will be but I am trying all that with her as well, need tutors and executive functioning coaches, press the school to keep her on track as well.

I need career track ideas that work for this type of profile.

[Anonymous]

Nutritionalist who understands adhd and impulse eating is our next stop.
Accountability is required every time we try something.

NP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We also had to limit screens. I recommend Bark.

Same here w screen rules and limits; that becomes an addiction with no self discipline and then tantrums if not enforced consistently.

[Anonymous]

1 thing at a time.

1. Lying is much worse than grabbing food. Deal with that first.

2. Feed him more at meal times, administer water between meals, so he feels less hungry. Encourage him to keep a full water bottle at hand.

3. Remove junk snacks from house, or lock them up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Definitely not a troll. I agree with you that these are likely lifelong issues and worry about that. I’m am glad to hear you’ve found some things that have worked.

Sometimes I feel like I’m the one who needs a coach. My husband and I are well read on our son’s issues and there’s such conflicting info out there. Is the sneaking of food due to the fact that we’ve been too restrictive or focused on health in the past or is it just due to the adhd. We do heavily restrict online access and it’s the first thing taken away as a consequence (for anything)

I agree that he doesn’t want to eat at the kitchen table and probably doesn’t want to hear us say that chips at 7am, after a full breakfast, are a bad idea. So he takes the easy way out and gets a handful of the stuff he wants to binge on and then hides in the bathroom.

it's part of hoarding and dopamine issues. Now as I said he's at the stage where he just wants to feel secure that he has food but doesn't take it as much. We used to find pizza slices in his dresser drawer after he just had a big meal and wonder what on earth was going on. I think there are a lot of eating issues and using eating a coping mechanism for stress and energy. There are a lot of low energy times in the day for him.

[Anonymous]

For the lying I've been told to just say straight out I know that isn't the truth and then give a consequence with little drama. Extended version something like I know that isn't correct and we don't lie in this family to each other. Would you like to think again about what happened and try again to tell me what actually happened?

[Anonymous]

OP I just found out hoarding and ADHD were related this year. You are way ahead on this stuff. Good job. So many people just confused by all of the out of ordinary actions. I've learned everything is a coping mechanism but how to have better coping mechanisms is still a mystery.