Frugal Husband

[Anonymous]

I can't take it. DH doesn't care about showing up at friends house empty handed. Just like his cheap GD mother - AARRGH! These are friends that host every holiday that DH's (local) family leaves us out (on purpose, in spite of all we have done for them). These friends are far better to us than his rotten family. I can't insult our friends like that. I can't keep arguing about this. Thanks for listening. Did I mention his GD mother is so GD CHEAP??!! Mean, too.

[Anonymous]

Not frugal, but mean. My DH counts every penny, but does not show up to friends' houses with nothing.

It does not have to be expensive: home-baked cookies?

Tell your DH your support system has to be "oiled" in order to work when you need help (and everyone needs help sooner or later): oil means letting them know how much you appreciate them, verbally and practically. Ex: our friends lend us their gardening tools, we lent their DD our son's too-small bike, a ladder to clean gutters, etc...

Again, friendship should not be expensive but thoughtful.

[Anonymous]

Get something. Bring it. What's he going to do? Tell you to put it back?

[Anonymous]

Well, you can also host them in return.

[Anonymous]

Seriously! Why on earth do you even pay attention to your husband over stuff like this? If my husband were this dense, I would buy a $6 bottle of wine from Wegmans, cut some flowers out of my garden and roll. Or I would bake some cupcakes. Or make some sangria. Or something. Chances are he won't say anything. Perhaps he will ask how much the wine cost. If he does either tell him how much it cost or tell him you are regifting wine you received from someone else.

If my husband were dumb enough to protest, I would simply say that it is polite to bring a small hostess gift and that it is cheap and poor manners to show up empty handed. If he were still dumb enough to point out that his mother shows up empty handed, I would flat out say that I think that is rude and that I am sure she is comfortable with her traditions, but they are not mine and nor will this one be handed down to my child.

This type of BS would not even make it inside my cranium to bug me.

[Anonymous]

OP here. His mom's BS infiltrates at the most inconvenient times. [Did I mention she's cuckoo? So this tidbit makes things inconvenient, to say the least. They are secretive and clannish, this is an example why - the woman is nuts.]

If he ever had successful therapy, he would go to the therapist saying "my mom is a freak, my family is freakier, please help". He would make leaps and strides. But he screws himself.

Is this a control issue? Or just nuts?

[Anonymous]

When I host a BBQ or other function I NEVER expect anyone to bring ANYTHING let alone a hostess gift. OP this probably bothers you a lot more than it bothers your friends. Having said that I don't like to show up to someone else's functions empty handed either, though I can't think of any occasions where I went out of my way to buy something specifically as a hostess gift (I figure the hostess is busy enough, she doesn't need to be tracking down a vase too.)

[Anonymous]

OP again. DH's mom also has food issues. Part of the cheap thing. It continues.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP again. DH's mom also has food issues. Part of the cheap thing. It continues.....

Doesn't sound like they're going to change, so the thing to do is change your reaction to their nonsense.

Follow the advice of 22:00. You're just going to make yourself nuts over this, and what good will that do?

[Anonymous]

Just bring something. Defy your DH. Bake cookies, buy a bottle of wine, as a PP suggested.

Sounds like this is the tipping point? Overall cheapness, and you've had it?

My DH is cheap, but not that cheap. He always brings a gift. I think the overall weirdness of your DH's family is the problem. Won't he go to therapy? That may be the real issue here. A man who is still living at home with Mom, at least inside his head, is trouble. Point this out to him. He'll get mad and deny it, but suggestions can make a difference. Best of luck OP, and calm down.