What are helpful responses when your kid says things

[Anonymous]

extreme/ emotional / reactive things like the following? He’s in therapy for anxiety and is a perfectionist. I know I’m supposed to validate emotion, etc. I’ve hit a wall and am exhausted by his anxiety, which only comes out at home…which is his safe place, I know and appreciate. I want to help and be supportive, but right now am feeling burnt out so I don’t think I’m the best at it. So, I’m hoping for some help here from those who have BTDT…

Any suggestions for responses to these types of mini explosions?

“I suck! I’m stupid! I’m an imbecile! It’s terrible. I can’t do this.” (Math; playing his instrument)

“My friends hate me! They ghosted me! No one’s texted me back today!”

“I’m horrible! I’m ripping up all my sketch books!” (Sketching, which he spends 1-2 hr/day doing and is quite good)

“F$&@! I can’t cook! It’s all disgusting! And my hair is stupid! I can’t do anything right!”

[Anonymous]

"Hey, good job getting the first part right. Looks like you're making progress for that second part"

"People get busy. Give them a chance. Isn't Joe at baseball camp all day today anyway? Send another text when he gets back".

Honestly, let him explode and vent and burst out. It's hard to watch and harder to comfort. He might not want comfort or empathy. Misery loves company so maybe allow time to sulk.

Can you

[Anonymous]

I think I would just say "I can tell you're having a hard time with X" and then pause and see what he says. "How can I help you?" and then pause and see what he says. "Yes, X can be frustrating" and then pause.

Basically anytime you want to say "BUT blah blah" just pause instead. See what happens.

[Anonymous]

My DD does this and I always say “that’s negative self talk”. Just call her on it and hope she starts to realize how often it happens. Therapist works on strategies for dealing with it, why she has it. I think my job is to point it it. I stopped trying to argue with her about it because it didn’t seem to matter or help, though what I really want to say it “you’re not stupid! You’re so smart!” That did nothing so now I just name it.

[Anonymous]

You don’t actually need to respond to every comment like this. You can just listen and let him get it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD does this and I always say “that’s negative self talk”. Just call her on it and hope she starts to realize how often it happens. Therapist works on strategies for dealing with it, why she has it. I think my job is to point it it. I stopped trying to argue with her about it because it didn’t seem to matter or help, though what I really want to say it “you’re not stupid! You’re so smart!” That did nothing so now I just name it.

Yeah we're not supposed to contradict it, which is really hard!

Sometimes just a silent sympathetic look or a hug/hand on a shoulder is enough.

Then in a calm moment talk about the negative self talk and make sure your kids knows they're great.

Also lots of casual conversations about things you or other people tried but didn't succeed in right away help drive home the message that nobody gets everything right all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t actually need to respond to every comment like this. You can just listen and let him get it out.

This. It's definitely not helpful to respond to emotion with reason, although with one of my kids, I used to ask occasionally, "What do you think I want to day right now but am suppressing because Dr X says I'm not allowed to?" He always knew, and I would generally get a laugh. Sometimes we'd agree to sit around and mope for a few minutes, then move on.

[Anonymous]

We’ve finally (mostly) learned not to argue when our 21 year old son says things like this. Generally if we listen and say things like “that sounds hard” as a PP suggested, then two things happen:

1. DS has vented and calms down a bit
2. DS’s oppositional nature takes over and he argues that whatever he blew up about isn’t really so bad and he’s really just venting and overreacting.

If we try to argue against the irrational thoughts and overreactions, then he digs in his heels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’ve finally (mostly) learned not to argue when our 21 year old son says things like this. Generally if we listen and say things like “that sounds hard” as a PP suggested, then two things happen:

1. DS has vented and calms down a bit
2. DS’s oppositional nature takes over and he argues that whatever he blew up about isn’t really so bad and he’s really just venting and overreacting.

If we try to argue against the irrational thoughts and overreactions, then he digs in his heels.

Yes!

[Anonymous]

I would say that you’re sorry to hear that. When the explosion seems to be winding done, maybe ask that they think would help right now, or if there’s anything you can to help? You might offer to take a break with them, or pour them a cold drink, or something else distracting.

[Anonymous]

The big thing is not to be over reacting in the moment. Instead - when things are not uptight have a discussion then. Kids and adults do forget that progress is made one step at a time and with many backward slides.

“I suck at xyz”. “It sucks to suck. But you suck a little bit less today than how much you sucked yesterday.”

Try and inject a little humor. It will make you feel better too.

[Anonymous]

My son with anxiety had a peak of this behavior at 10-11. He had therapy, so had some words for what he was doing. I’d just say “you are catastrophizing. Let’s take a walk and then talk about it” or “that’s negative self talk. You aren’t allowed to be meaner to yourself than you are to your friends.”

I have anxiety and hair trigger anger and I used to do things like destroy my art and craft projects. In the moment the feeling is so overwhelming and the NEED to vent it with tearing or breaking or foul language is so hard to resist. It took me until my early 30s to get total control of those outbursts.

I hope things get better! I am sure they will with time and maturity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son with anxiety had a peak of this behavior at 10-11. He had therapy, so had some words for what he was doing. I’d just say “you are catastrophizing. Let’s take a walk and then talk about it” or “that’s negative self talk. You aren’t allowed to be meaner to yourself than you are to your friends.”

I have anxiety and hair trigger anger and I used to do things like destroy my art and craft projects. In the moment the feeling is so overwhelming and the NEED to vent it with tearing or breaking or foul language is so hard to resist. It took me until my early 30s to get total control of those outbursts.

I hope things get better! I am sure they will with time and maturity.

How did you work on the hair trigger anger?

[Anonymous]

The most important thing is not to minimize it. Don't say things like "that's not true" or "it'll be ok" or "you'll feel better tomorrow". That just makes the person feel dismissed and misunderstood. Just listen patiently and say neutral things like PP suggested - "that sounds hard". Or you could say "it sounds like you are really upset/angry/frustrated" which is just kind of showing you are hearing them.

I have a very emotional now 19yo and it took me a LONG time to understand this and not rush in trying to "fix" things for her. Now I will listen and ask "how can I help?" or "do you just need to vent or can I help you think through solutions?". Way more often than I would have thought, she picks just need to vent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The most important thing is not to minimize it. Don't say things like "that's not true" or "it'll be ok" or "you'll feel better tomorrow". That just makes the person feel dismissed and misunderstood. Just listen patiently and say neutral things like PP suggested - "that sounds hard". Or you could say "it sounds like you are really upset/angry/frustrated" which is just kind of showing you are hearing them.

I have a very emotional now 19yo and it took me a LONG time to understand this and not rush in trying to "fix" things for her. Now I will listen and ask "how can I help?" or "do you just need to vent or can I help you think through solutions?". Way more often than I would have thought, she picks just need to vent.

This. One hundred percent this.