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DH is careless with money
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Anonymous
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OK - so our HHI is slightly more than that of the other poster being "squeezed out of the middle class." Literally - just a little more. Let me just get that out of the way.
This fact seems to make my DH comfortable with throwing money down the drain. Tonight, I discovered he has a membership that he never uses, which costs us $100 a month. I discovered a few months ago that he was carrying an $8K balance and paying late fees, interest, etc., on a credit card that he uses about 70% of the time for work. (They don't issue corporate cards - don't get me started on this one....he claimed to not know that he could book travel thru the corporate travel agent and bill direct to the company) Once in a while I find unpaid bills, etc. So we have this conversation about once every 4-6 months where I express my frustration at his carelessness and he tells me things will get better. I want to SAH, btw. We don't need my salary. But we do now, b/c DH throws money away constantly. I'm frustrated by this and want to scream. I have been after him for 3 years to see a financial planner. He doesn't want to be bound to a budget. (I think some of this ties to growing up in a family where money was tight - oh, and my family had food stamps - we were in much worse shape financially growing up)... he says he wants to be able to buy things when he wants them. I'm pissed - we could be saving my salary every year and get by totally fine. Oh, and there is the daily Starbucks (coffee and donut) habit, and other crap that just adds up. So, I'm at my wits end. He tells me we will make an appt to see a planner during the August recess. Anyone got a suggestion for me? I admit that I've spent at least the last year just giving up and spending what I want when I want (within *some* reason of course) - b/c I was just sick of always being conservative when he never looked twice at a price tag. That hasn't been a good strategy (and yes, I know better). Thoughts anyone? |
Anonymous
| OP here - misread that other post. Our HHI is equivalent to that of the other poster. |
Anonymous
| Hmmm. It sounds frustrating, but if your HHI is that high, I find it hard to believe your situation is that dire unless you are leaving out some major fixed costs or credit card debts. Do you have any savings? Can you work on a system with your husband? In my marriage, I handle all the money and investing. I enjoy it and it gets done. |
Anonymous
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I manage ALL the money in our household, and my DH is fine with that...he actually prefers it.
I pay the bills, balance the budget, keep our investments in check etc. I suggest trying that with your DH. If he's okay with you taking over the money managment aspect of your relationship, I would put him on a budget as well. If the roles were reversed, and you were the "careless spender" - he would put you on a budget! |
Anonymous
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That would drive me nuts too. I don't know if seeing a financial planner will solve your issues, unless you think a FP could scare him straight. I think that people should be actively involved in controlling/investing/saving their money, and know it intimately.
Maybe a therapist would be a better route. DH's emotional relationship to $ seems to be the real issue? I would take control of the money and give him an allowance. Make him sit down one day and tell you his expenses (Starbucks, gym etc), and then give him a monthly allowance. If he has to have his own debit card with this monthly allowance that you transfer $ from your joint account, so be it. And, to be fair, you'll have to do the same sort of spending diary/breakdown of expenses. GL |
Anonymous
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I think you should take control of the finances, too.
BUT . . . and here's the big BUT . . . you need to be very careful that he doesn't feel overly restricted or micromanaged. I agree with the PPs that there's clearly an emotional issue/relationship with money going on. You need to understand/respect that in order to get him to go along with this. (And therapy would be great, but I wouldn't hold your breath on that.) Anyway, if I were you, I'd find a way to make it comfortable to him -- be clear that he's NOT going to be on an allowance and that you're NOT going to put him on a tight budget or anything like that. You're just going to clean things up so you all can save money in ways that won't hurt a bit. Interest and late fees and that kind of stuff is a great example. The key to making this work is finding a way to do it that respects his dignity as an adult (no allowance!!) and that honors his emotional fear of being overly restricted about money. If you trigger his childhood issues, the whole thing will fail. |
Anonymous
| OP, my DH is a spender. If his card will go through, he thinks there is enough money. He admits he has money issues though, so I am in charge of a budget. We have a budget - but set into the budget is mad money for each of us. I have the debit card for our joint checking account - he does not. Every paycheck, $XX amount of dollars is directly deposited into a mad money checking account. We each have our own mad money account. It makes life a lot easier. There is no questioning what we get to spend our mad money on. It's there to blow. I tend to save mine for larger purchases I want, while he blows his on Starbucks, cd's, movies, etc. |
Anonymous
OP here. Thanks - you hit a few key points for me. To the PP who asked if this was dire - not really. He is maxing out his retirement, but I'm not (and I'm about to)... his salary is more than double mine. He works really hard, and he deserves things, of course. I just hate that we're not a) maxing my retirement, b) putting more into savings c) saving more for DC's college, d) not getting DH's student loans paid off (I got mine paid off) and e) I am in need of a new (or used) car with #2 on the way. And like I said, I am absolutely convinced that if we actually took control over our finances, I would be able to SAH. I do spend money, but I love a good deal - so I clip coupons, wait for sales, etc. I just hate that we are so lucky to have the income we do, but we whittle it away with stupid expenses, interest payments and late fees constantly. I mean - he even joined a gym last year, after 3 years of talking about it, and after 2 months, like I expected, he hasn't been since. He's really impulsive about spending on little things without considering true need. Maybe the FP is the first step, and then a therapist (which he has done before...). Thanks. Other ideas/thoughts are welcome! |
Anonymous
OP here again... thanks for this idea. We have separate accts and one joint acct - for exactly these reasons. Unfortunately, as an example, I routinely see lunch expenses, for example coming out of our joint acct. Yes, we have to eat lunch, but I either a) bring it from home or b) take it out of my personal acct. I hate saying, "Hey - what's up with charging that Chipotle to the joint acct?" b/c yes, it seems like nitpicking - but really, this is all about the cumulative effect of mindless spending... |
Anonymous
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on one level, you need to accept that he's not entirely doing this on purpose. I've dated guys who grew up with *nothing* financially and when they started making real money, they went one of two ways: profligate spending because finally they could, or hoarding their cash because they were afraid they'd be poor again. Neither extreme is really all that great to live with, if you grew up in a normal family with normal income and normal spending/saving habits.
honestly, I grew up in a family where there was always enough money but my mom was very, very frugal to the point that I was embarrassed to go to school sometimes because i was stuck wearing hand-me-down clothes from my cousin, who was shorter than me. It may be stupid, but it took me years to get over the annoyance of my pants and shirt sleeves not being long enough. (still have an instinctive aversion to capri pants and 3/4 length sleeves.) And when I started making decent money a few years after college, I found myself buying "real" keds (as opposed to the knockoffs my mom would buy) and Ralph Lauren polo shirts instead of other brands because the other kids had the ponies on their shirts and I didn't. Stuff from your childhood can linger a long time. It's also possible that he's not not comfortable with the idea of you being a SAHM, and he could be subconsciously overspending so you won't quit your job. I imagine it would be a lot of pressure for some guys, supporting a wife and family with no backup provider. I sure as hell wouldn't want a spouse to be totally dependent on me. scares me sometimes that my daughter is! I would suggest a few sessions of couples counseling before you even see the financial planner. Maybe he'd talk about why he is the way he is, and he'd be willing to make cuts here and there. Just seeing a planner may not be enough. |
Anonymous
| Something else to consider is tracking your expenses (something like mint.com makes it pretty easy), and then setting aside time on a regular basis for a family financial meeting to just assess where you are. We did this as a New Year's Resolution - setting aside 30 min once a week to just start working on the money / budget / etc. issues. It worked really well for us, as setting aside the time / activities in small manageable chunks helped us actually do it, and it forced DH to actually *see* all of the expenses (I pay the bills.) And just actually seeing the data of where our money is going, how those small expenses add up, etc. has definitely made him more conscious of money flow. |
Anonymous
Yes, this totally resonates with me. My very sweet ex-boyfriend from college was this way. Grew up ashamed about the fact that his family had very little (parents got divorced and his father completely screwed his mother financially) and it was both good and bad for him down the road. It was good because he was really ambitious -- super hard worker who was smart about choosing even part-time jobs that would make him great money. But bad because he really felt the need to spend -- nice clothes, likely because he didn't have them growing up, and also on tons and tons of impulsive small things, again, I think just because it felt good to him to be able to do so without thinking of it. But those things added up! We've kept in touch and he's mellowed out some since then. I think he's developed his own sense of financial security and therefore has less of a need to spend in silly ways in order to feel good. But again, it's an emotional issue at the core. Be as kind and supportive as possible. I know it's very annoying (it would drive me nuts!), but he's not doing it on purpose -- he's likely trying to satisfy an old need from childhood. Address that need, and I bet your problem will go away. Hopefully a little therapy and loving support (including showing him how the savings adds up from painless changes) will help. 
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Anonymous
| OP, I'm in your boat exactly. Hugs to you! |
Anonymous
| Marriage, not financial, counseling is needed. |
Anonymous
| I second PP 11:24. We had these issues too and saw a counselor. It's helped, not perfect, but better. |