2nd Grader No Friends- Help

[Anonymous]

My heart broke today at seeing my child at a birthday party for a classmate. She is 8 and in second grade. Has been at the same public school since kindergarten.

Child is very social, not shy. Has ADHD but is medicated, which has worked wonders. I don’t think she knows how to make a friend. She is very athletic and prefers to play with boys (maybe because they play more physically and there is less drama).

She does not have girl friends and has mentioned how she has no school friends.

How do I help her? Will OT help? A psychologist?

[Anonymous]

Why wouldn't you encourage the friendships with boys?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why wouldn't you encourage the friendships with boys?

OP: I would for her to make friends with boys. I do have a concern because girls/boys are “icky” has started for some.

[Anonymous]

My daughter was more friendly with boys in elementary school and I didn’t have a problem with it. They did play dates and she played at recess with them because she preferred sporty play. She had girl friends outside of school who were daughters of my friends from 2 years old up until now (she’s 14). She began to find sporty girls around the 4th and 5th grade through her sports teams. Now most of her friends are girls with and she has maintained friendships a few boys from elementary. It will work itself out. Don’t worry about it. I wanted my daughter to have a social life so I let her play with who she connected with.

[Anonymous]

Unless your daughter is upset about her social relationships, this isn't something for you to sweat. It sounds like she engages pretty well with the kids she has the most in common with. I'm not sure what the problem is.

[Anonymous]

If she is athletic, team sports will give her an opportunity to make friends outside of school.

[Anonymous]

Put her in Girl Scouts. Alert the leader that you hope to help her socially, so she can keep that in mind.

[Anonymous]

How was she at the birthday party? Did she not engage with the other kids? Did she engage in a way that was off putting?

I would talk to her teacher and see what she says about her social engagement at school to see if you can determine if there is a problem, and if so what might be at the root.

FWIW, my older NT kid never had a best friend in elementary school, was mostly friends with the opposite gender, and has turned out socially fine. His second grade teacher said that it’s often better not to have a best friend to avoid all the drama.

My younger ADHD/ASD kid had a best friend through 4th grade and has really struggled socially since that friendship fell apart. A social skills group has helped (and provided a social outlet in the meantime).

[Anonymous]

Definitely sports, OP! Enroll in as many as you can afford and make time for. My second grader with ADHD has no school friends but tons of friends on soccer, swim team, and basketball. Birthday party invites are exclusively those friends and no school friends. It really doesn’t matter where the friends come from, as long as your child is socializing regularly with different types of kids.

[Anonymous]

I have a teen boy with ADHD who was in the "504 class" for most of elementary school. Personally, I wouldn't just hope for the best. I'd talk to a really good psychologist or social worker to help her get social skills while she's young. They can suggest supports and activities that are tailored to her interests, which is so key for kids with ADHD.

In observing the girls with ADHD around my son, whose ADHD was often more subtle on the outside, they can wind up being the bully or getting bullied. They can struggle a lot emotionally. I'm not saying this happens all the time or anything, but getting kids social skills while they are younger and can carry those skills with them through life will be protective.

You've got plenty of time. Getting your kid diagnosed by age 8 is awesome. In elementary school, there is a lot more support, and teachers pay a lot more attention to social dynamics than they do in middle school and beyond.

Just one perspective. You are getting lots of advice on this board. Obviously, take what works.

[Anonymous]

1) don’t assume that one micro moment at one birthday party is indicative of everything. That’s just one slice of time.
2) you need to invite kids over to your house or to fun outings (ice cream, bowling, playground). You can’t just expect that everything will happen organically.
3) kids in 2nd were really impacted socially by the pandemic. It’s weird for them and it’s all still shaking out.
4) if your kid isn’t upset then don’t turn it into a bigger deal than it is and make her upset.

[Anonymous]

Hey - I am in a similar boat with a 3rd grader. Team sports have been a life saver. She loves her soccer team. I would keep an eye on it. Second grade she did fine because all the kids still played together. 3rd has been a struggle because girls only hang with girls and boys with boys. She has noticed she doesn't have a ton of girl friends/ isn't one of the popular kids. It is tough to watch. I am not sure what to do at this point.

[Anonymous]

OP Here: Thanks for the inputs.

She has told me before that she doesn’t have friends at school. I have asked the teacher and the teacher said she plays with everyone. I think she is liked and friendly with everyone, but does not have a connection with anyone at the same time.

We tried Girl Scout, kids had been together for a while not open to new kids. She does many sports and other activities, no friendships from that so far.

At the party, which was all girls it was clear that she did not have a buddy or someone that wanted to play with her. The same thing happened at a school event the day before.

These two events made me think I need to do something. I am really lost on how to help. I feel like I need to do something before it gets worse. Parenting is not for the faint of heart.

Based on the suggestions here, I will try to find a therapist to help her and schedule lots of play dates.

I was thinking about a social group, but the ones I found are geared towards autistic girls. The problem is not been social but how to create connections.

[Anonymous]

Oh gosh. My second grader is the same. We aren’t in sports though. Trying a few through camps this year. She’s not awesome with rules.

Have you reached out to the school counselor? They have in school small social skill building groups at ours. I can’t say they’ve been helpful in practice but the building blocks are there.

[Anonymous]

Is there a girl from the party that she would enjoy a 1 on 1 playdate? If so, try to set one up. Maybe ask her for 2-3 names of someone she would want to play with outside of school. Try to set up 1 on 1 playdates. Even just a playground and an ice cream and then drop off the friend again is great.

Having things to talk about outside of school is a great way to sort of "grease the wheel" of friendship. It might not lead 100% to a best friend forever, but honestly I think that type of relationship can be tricky at this age anyhow. Having a child who plays with everyone is great.