Inviting a friend who's TTC to dinner with 2 pregnant women

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who has been TTC for several years and is very upset not to have conceived. She hasn't gone to an RE yet, but that's another story. We don't get to see each other often because I have an infant but finally DH and I are hiring a baby sitter so we can meet in DC and have dinner with a group of friends at a restaurant. I really want to see the TTC friend but it would mean inviting her to dinner with two other couples, both of whom are quite pregnant. I'm sensitive to the TTC issue--DH and I had 3 years of infertility, 2 rounds of IVF and a high risk pregnancy to have our baby--but I'm torn on this. Although it would have tugged on my heart strings if I were in my friend's place and attended dinner, I'd have wanted to be invited. I'd want to see my friend, and I'd be happy for these other ladies. I also wouldn't have wanted to be treated differently or excluded.

Still, I recognized not all might feel the way I did. So what should I do? If I do invite, should I mention to her that the other women are pregnant (she hasn't met them yet and doesn't know). I was thinking of mentioning it in a joking way, "FYI, {friend's name}, watch out because there's going to be some raging hormones there--both ladies are pregnant."

[Anonymous]

Offer a choice: dinner now with other friends ("who by the way are pregnant, did you know?"), or dinner just with you and DH (another babysitter fee, but worth it).

[Anonymous]

I agree with 20:11. The main deciding fact for me is that it seems that your friend hasn't met the other two couples, so that already means that the dinner won't really be about catching up just between you two. And unless you tell your pregnant friends about your TTC friend (which I wouldn't want to do), then you can't control how much they may talk about their pregnancies, which could be uncomfortable for your TTC friend. FWIW, I share similar facts to your story and now have a healthy DD, so I too have been on both sides. Kudos for you to try and walk that line sensitively with your friend; it is hard to know what to do sometimes to be a good friend to everyone in those situations.

[Anonymous]

I would try to meet her at another time. Especially if she doesn't already know the other couples. Sometimes it's easier to deal with a pg person you already know & love (although sometimes that is harder too).

If that truly is the only time you can see her, I'd be upfront with her and explain that there will be pg women there. I'd probably not use the joking line with her. Just a quick mention like pp suggested.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PPs.

If you are having dinner with 2 very pregnant women, the conversation is inevitably going to turn to pregnancy & babies, especially since you have a new baby at home. It might be something your TTC friend is just not up to dealing with right now. And if you somehow try to "brief" the pregnant friends in advance so they know about the situation with your TTC friend, the subject of pregnancy will be the literal "elephant in the room," which may be uncomfortable for everyone, too.

I'd see the TTC friend separately.

[Anonymous]

I'd ask her. And, be up front about it. You struggled with infertility for 3 years, so I think you have the street cred to just say, "We want to see you, but I totally get it if you don't want to have dinner with two pregnant women, I know I would have hated it when I was in the middle of IVF, but I also hated it when people treated me like I couldn't handle it." Leave it up to her, but don't surprise her with preggers at the dinner or just hint that they are pregnant and make her say "Oh, I don't think I could handle that -- you need to tell her that YOU get it that she might not want to do it and you would have made the same decision".

Or, if she really does not know the other couples, just set up two separate dinners. That will not seem odd b/c its not like she knows the others.

[Anonymous]

Why are you inviting the pregnant friends if, as your post sounded, you want to catch up with your TTC friend?
Wouldn't it be odd for the TTC friend to eat dinner with YOUR friends? I understand the whole mutual-friend deal, but given sensitive nature I would really re-think how this will look?

Do any of the friends, TTC and pregnant ladies, have anything in common (work, hobbies?) - besides knowing you? That would be sorta uncomfortable after the first 10 minutes.
Inevitably the conversation would turn toward pregnancy and babies since there would be nothing else to chat about if there aren't any other common interests.

[Anonymous]

"We want to see you, but I totally get it if you don't want to have dinner with two pregnant women, I know I would have hated it when I was in the middle of IVF, but I also hated it when people treated me like I couldn't handle it."

This - I'm in the TTC friend's position right now, and I can't tell you how hurtful I find it when friends who know about my TCC efforts tell me about other friend's pregnancies/births without acknowledging that it might be difficult for me to hear. Plus, I know I've been excluded from social events in the past year by friends who know I don't want to be around pregnant women or newborns - but the fact that they do it without telling me what they are doing also is hurtful. So don't make a joke or offhand comment - please acknowledge her feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: "We want to see you, but I totally get it if you don't want to have dinner with two pregnant women, I know I would have hated it when I was in the middle of IVF, but I also hated it when people treated me like I couldn't handle it."

This - I'm in the TTC friend's position right now, and I can't tell you how hurtful I find it when friends who know about my TCC efforts tell me about other friend's pregnancies/births without acknowledging that it might be difficult for me to hear. Plus, I know I've been excluded from social events in the past year by friends who know I don't want to be around pregnant women or newborns - but the fact that they do it without telling me what they are doing also is hurtful. So don't make a joke or offhand comment - please acknowledge her feelings.

I'm the PP who suggested the above strategy, and I should add that I spend 2+ years trying to get pregnant, so I know how it feels too. I now have two kids, so I also know how hard it can be to be sensitive to those who are still struggling once you have kids and they take over your life. That is one reason why I am very up front about the fact that we had fertility problems and needed IVF. When I was trying it was nice to know that others went through the same thing -- even if they were now chasing toddlers -- and it gave me something to talk about with the parents even if I could not talk about kids yet. I think it also gave me hope.

I really hated it when people did not invite me to things, or didn't tell me about pregnancies or invited me to special lunches just to announce their pregnancies. I know they were trying to be sensitive, but seriously, making a special date with me for a nice lunch so you can tell me your good news that is really going to make me want to cry, dumb.

[Anonymous]

I'm with the PP who asked why you're inviting TTC friend to dinner with two pregnant women she doesn't know. And yeah, you can warn her in advance---but that puts her in the uncomfortable position of having to either decline the invitation or putting her best "game face on" and enduring lots of pregnancy/infant discussion.

If you really care about her feelings, then either do two dinners or schedule some other time to have lunch/spend time with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm with the PP who asked why you're inviting TTC friend to dinner with two pregnant women she doesn't know. And yeah, you can warn her in advance---but that puts her in the uncomfortable position of having to either decline the invitation or putting her best "game face on" and enduring lots of pregnancy/infant discussion.

If you really care about her feelings, then either do two dinners or schedule some other time to have lunch/spend time with her.

I agree - when in doubt, you can't go wrong witwith one on one time.

[Anonymous]

Sorry - but I think this is an awful idea. It is so hard to be around pregnant women when you are infertile. I'd figure out any other way to see this friend than subject her to that environment. At the very least be extremely up front and tell her that they are pregnant...you see, it's not just the baby bump. It's the fact that the entire conversation will revolve around children and babies and pregnancy. It might be nice for you, but it will be very very hard on your infertile friend. Refer to the Resolve.com website for some good advice for friends of infertiles.

[Anonymous]

You absolutely need to make these two separate dinners. No other option.

[Anonymous]

I think the dinner will be dominated by infant and pregnancy talk, and that is dull for anyone, but totally awful for someone TTC. Has got to be separate.

[Anonymous]

I agree with 20:11. Tell her and give her the option. My pregnant friends ignored me instead of being around me, which really hurt my feelings. Sure maybe they were being sensitive to my situation but I didnt like being left out. At the same time, I didnt really want to be around them but the invites would have been nice. Now that I'm in the home stretch of my 3rd pregnancy they want to now invite me places, which just pisses me off. How's that for how emotional some of us can be during TTC?