Adult child not getting over breakup.

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05/06/2023 17:02

Subject: Adult child not getting over breakup.

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Anonymous

My 20 year old was in their first really serious relationship during their senior year of high school. We liked their bf just fine, but I cautioned my DD that it could be very hard to sustain a long distance relationship. I should mention that DD has struggled with depression since middle school and has struggled with SH in the past, has been in therapy and on meds for the last several years. She had a previous relationship that ended very poorly, with prior guy lying about her, ghosting her and guy's ex gf threatening to beat DD up, cyber bullying etc. She was very traumatized by that and sr year BF helped her to get through it (along with counseling and an outpatient MH program the summer after it happened). Things were going well all through that summer, but we had concerns when DD went off to college halfway across the country. We knew that often times, long distance romances do not always last.

Her sr yr BF was a year older, not going to college, struggling to find work, and had no friend group to speak of. A nice enough guy, but we felt he clung to DD a little too hard and had no other close friends. When she left for school, he flew out to see her three times that fall, using money he really did not have. There were also some incidents of BF getting upset when DD was not always available to talk to him daily, or when he was having a hard time. (This happened with our older DD as well during her freshman year of college away, her at home BF would get very jealous when she was out trying to make new friends, and ultimately she broke up with him that fall.) Halfway through her freshman year, DD started having feelings for one of the guys in her college friend group. When she admitted this to at home BF over the phone, that she felt she wanted to date someone else, BF got incredibly angry, accused her of "cheating" for even having a discussion of feelings with the college friend, and unloaded a huge guilt trip on her. They decided to break up, and DD attempted to remain friends with the ex, who was obviously still very hurt and angry, and any discussions they had were often filled with a lot of guilt slinging. An attempt to meet up over her summer break went poorly - ex was still very angry and ended up in inpatient hospitalization for depression and SH over the summer. DD still wanted to remain friends, but we advised her that ex needed time to heal and move past the breakup, and she needed to give him that space.

Fast forward a YEAR. DD is still dating young man at school, who is a lovely guy. They decided early on to keep it casual (not dating others, but no real plans to "get serious" about long term, as they have very different goals and personalities.) In the last six months, DD has come to the conclusion that ex was really the one she should have stuck with. That she made a terrible mistake and regrets the breakup. That she will never be happy without the ex. We feel she is looking back on that relationship through very rose colored glasses. This is affecting her mood and she spirals into depression over it. Ex has since gotten another girlfriend, and apparently is now engaged, and has made it clear to DD that he does not want to be friends anymore at this point in his life, and has moved on.

DD calls regularly crying about this, and feeling that ex was the one who helped her move on from the worst time in her life, and that he was "perfect" for her and she will not ever get over him not wanting her to be in his life anymore - even though SHE was the one who initiated the breakup. She is in therapy for this. She has had her meds changed by her doctor. She has been given tools and coping strategies to help her move past, and yet her brain seems locked on "I can't be happy without him." Calls crying and feeling desperate. I am at wits end, given that her own depression makes us feel that we have to tread carefully lest we send her spiraling down further. She has acknowledged that this fixation on the ex is not healthy for her. That she needs to move on, but feels she can't. Struggles with intrusive thoughts of the ex all the time. Desperately wants him back. We have tried to be loving, understanding, firm, to listen without judgment, and also to offer counsel when asked. But we are feeling that by now, she needs to buck up and focus on working on HERSELF, which is what her counselor and doctor have suggested for the last year.

I almost want to say, "Please do not bring him up to us again, until you are truly ready to work on moving past this and not clinging this now over relationship." And yet I do not want her to feel rejected by us. We have arranged for a counselor for her when she returns home for summer, but what to do when your child seems to be wallowing in her own unhappiness over a relationship that was not meant to be, and ultimately was not a healthy one for either her or the ex?