Don’t like boyfriend

[Anonymous]

My teen is dating a kid I don’t like. Long story but based mostly but entirely on their behavior before the relationship started and the things that give me pause are legitimately not good but sort of routine sketchy teen stuff not like violence or anything. (Along the lines of suspended for weed at school, messy and public interpersonal drama with previous girlfriend, crude but not offensive social media posts, etc)

Anyway, now my teen is dating them and I’ve said I wouldn’t stop them but that they didn’t sound like a great idea (and that those issues are legitimate reasons to be very cautious.) my question is, how friendly must I be to this little idiot? We have dating guidelines in place and my teen adheres to them. Do I also have to make nice and ask the kid how ap lit is going? I’m not wanting to be outright unpleasant I just don’t feel the need to pretend.

[Anonymous]

Maybe this kid needs a stable adult in his life to ask about ap lit.

Your being rude/dismissive won’t do anything to make your daughter dislike him. Ask me how I know.

[Anonymous]

I have a sister married to a man for 30+ years who my parents didn't like.

If you make them, they will choose the person they are in love with and not you.

My advice is be genuinely pleasant and make him feel welcome so that your daughter feels comfortable and welcome being around him with you present. No need to go beyond that.

[Anonymous]

He’s a dope head and a loser who will exploit your daughter and dump her in a public spectacle when he’s gotten what he wants. He’s not your job or hers to fix by providing “stability” or anything else. Tell her he’s history and help her find somebody worthwhile.

[Anonymous]

I’m not looking to be rude to him I just would rather say “hi larlo-have fun at the movies.” As it happens I know his mom and it’s more an issue of permissiveness than lack of warmth or interest at home but I take your point. I’ve explicitly told my daughter I’m not trying to stop her dating him. Asking me to pretend like he is a nice young man who doesn’t have a bunch of red flags seems like a bridge to far.

[Anonymous]

I had this feeling about only one of my DD's boyfriends in her teens, just one. Followed the golden rule of my fellow moms and kept my mouth shut. I supported them and welcomed him into our home. He raped my DD and then dropped her. We are awaiting his trial.

[Anonymous]

My mom was notoriously shitty at judging men for herself and then, subsequently, the men I was dating. She was nasty to the ones that she didn't like. It did nothing for the relationship I have with my mother today.

You don't have to fawn all over him, but being rude or distant is only going to cause your daughter to pull away from you.

[Anonymous]

You should pretend to be pleasant and ask innocent questions or make comments that will underline things you know your daughter doesn't like. Make her notice all his flaws (flaws from her point of view, not yours).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom was notoriously shitty at judging men for herself and then, subsequently, the men I was dating. She was nasty to the ones that she didn't like. It did nothing for the relationship I have with my mother today.

You don't have to fawn all over him, but being rude or distant is only going to cause your daughter to pull away from you.

I am wary of her pulling away and other than initially I don’t share my concerns with her. I will say that my reservations are well founded-99/100 parents would think they weren’t good signs in a boyfriend-it’s not like I met the kid and decided he looked shifty or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s a dope head and a loser who will exploit your daughter and dump her in a public spectacle when he’s gotten what he wants. He’s not your job or hers to fix by providing “stability” or anything else. Tell her he’s history and help her find somebody worthwhile.

+1

Though you'll never convince her of it.

[Anonymous]

Op again. to add, partly I am asking because it feels pretty hard to even be superficially pleasant and then go upstairs-I legit don’t even know how well i can approximate “mom who likes her teen’s boyfriend.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again. to add, partly I am asking because it feels pretty hard to even be superficially pleasant and then go upstairs-I legit don’t even know how well i can approximate “mom who likes her teen’s boyfriend.”

She knows. You can try talking to her about your concerns again. If it does nothing, you certainly don't have to pretend that you like him. You wouldn't be the first parent who didn't like the boy their daughter picked. Just thread lightly on how much you outwardly dislike him.

[Anonymous]

You would be stupid to not be baseline pleasant to him, and to at least put on the act that you’re giving him a chance. You can do this two ways: either 1) take every opportunity to snub him and also badmouth him to your daughter, or 2) act friendly towards him, pretend to entertain the relationship as valid, and - importantly - spend time with your daughter and keep the lines of communication open. Ask about him on occasion / not accusingly, and listen without giving advice or feedback. Present yourself as safe and non-judgmental, but there to talk about whatever.

The relationship will last a lot longer (and get a lot more serious) if you choose option A.

You don’t have to invite him on family vacation or anything, but greet him, converse with him and show (feigned) interest in his life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You would be stupid to not be baseline pleasant to him, and to at least put on the act that you’re giving him a chance. You can do this two ways: either 1) take every opportunity to snub him and also badmouth him to your daughter, or 2) act friendly towards him, pretend to entertain the relationship as valid, and - importantly - spend time with your daughter and keep the lines of communication open. Ask about him on occasion / not accusingly, and listen without giving advice or feedback. Present yourself as safe and non-judgmental, but there to talk about whatever.

The relationship will last a lot longer (and get a lot more serious) if you choose option A.

You don’t have to invite him on family vacation or anything, but greet him, converse with him and show (feigned) interest in his life.

I do think you make a good point in theory but, for example, say your daughter’s boyfriend posts “show up your t1ts!” publicly when she posts a photo of her visiting New Orleans for a college visit. It’s much easier said than done to be friendly and low key when I see him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You would be stupid to not be baseline pleasant to him, and to at least put on the act that you’re giving him a chance. You can do this two ways: either 1) take every opportunity to snub him and also badmouth him to your daughter, or 2) act friendly towards him, pretend to entertain the relationship as valid, and - importantly - spend time with your daughter and keep the lines of communication open. Ask about him on occasion / not accusingly, and listen without giving advice or feedback. Present yourself as safe and non-judgmental, but there to talk about whatever.

The relationship will last a lot longer (and get a lot more serious) if you choose option A.

You don’t have to invite him on family vacation or anything, but greet him, converse with him and show (feigned) interest in his life.

I do think you make a good point in theory but, for example, say your daughter’s boyfriend posts “show up your t1ts!” publicly when she posts a photo of her visiting New Orleans for a college visit. It’s much easier said than done to be friendly and low key when I see him.

Did that happen?