How to balance child being triggered and talking about bad grades

[Anonymous]

I could use some help. My 11 year old has significant anxiety. She's in therapy, and overall, she's doing better.

But, she's not doing great in some classes because she's not completing assignments. When I initially bring it up, she gets so stressed out, she yells and hits and tells me not to talk and that I'm stressing her out.

I'll bring it up again, and I'm sure she'll be a little calmer, and im sure she'll be better with completing the work. But she doesn't really tell me what is going on, and there's always an extremely outsized reaction around school.

Any tips for bringing it up or for getting her to talk about what's going on?

I think there are a few reasons for why she's not doing well...but theyre all guesses and varies by class. Organization, fear of failure, stressful (group) assignments.

[Anonymous]

I think maybe a low key check in every day is the way to go-I think it’s very likely she will get used to it if it’s routine and low stakes rather than once she’s behind. She has shown you she can’t manage this without scaffolding!also, you should absolutely be gentle and understanding but the way to handle anxiety and avoidance is not by avoiding g the trigger-that will only make it worse.

[Anonymous]

I would not say a word about grades - she is 11, so low stakes - but after school say gently, "hey sweetie let's talk about a plan for the afternoon. How can I support you?" If you can get her into the habit of making a plan with you feeling supported, not nagged, by you, you will lower her stress. Try and be neutral about the grades for now. Don't let her feel like she's failing you when she doesn't complete her school work. Say I know this is hard stuff but I also know you can do it.

[Anonymous]

Focus on finding out the reasons why she’s struggling and addressing those things directly. Also you can put different systems in place that help you to track what needs done, and help her through it. Things like having her do homework at the kitchen table vs in her room so you are around to help, using a planner and system of checks to communicate with the school and keep her on task, checking in with her teachers weekly, having systems of organization written into the IEP, having the same systems in place at home and in school, etc.


I’d also be addressing the hitting as that’s not typical for age 11.

[Anonymous]

She is 11, don't worry about grades. Carve out time everyday to just sit and go through assignments. Don't bring up games, no talking about unfinished assignments, etc. Just help her go through them and help out with them. Talk to her therapist for ideas too. She also needs to work on an outlet that's not hitting.

[Anonymous]

I am pp who posted abt low key check in every day posting again to say I completely agree with pos-check in’s should have nothing to do with grades just helping her manage her work (because it feels bad to behind or “in trouble” at school.) if she can’t keep up even with your gentle support it’s time to look at why/consider accommodations such as time limited homework etc. you want her to feel she’s competent and on top of things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think maybe a low key check in every day is the way to go-I think it’s very likely she will get used to it if it’s routine and low stakes rather than once she’s behind. She has shown you she can’t manage this without scaffolding!also, you should absolutely be gentle and understanding but the way to handle anxiety and avoidance is not by avoiding g the trigger-that will only make it worse.

+1 Normalize her talking about school and homework, looking in her planner or online, talking about upcoming due dates, etc. regularly, and in a low key way.

[Anonymous]

What does the teacher say? Is there some ADHD involved?

[Anonymous]

You could try normalizing going over schoolwork by starting small and gradually increasing the interaction. So explain your goals like "I'd like to understand better what you're doing in school and help you to succeed. I can tell you don't like to talk about homework much, so I'll try to step back. It's your job anyway. But I am curious what you're learning about. How about we try this week that every day after dinner at 7pm, you just show me your list of homework for the day. I promise not to make any comments. Each day we get through that, you get a star. If I slip up and make a comment, you get two stars. What do you think would be a good reward for getting 5 stars?" And then try that. Don't say a word, just have a look. Then the next week, add a little more, maybe you look over her homework progress for one class, not just the assignment list, but the actual work. Etc.

Adjust the plan to your situation but remember to comment as little as possible.

You also mentioned therapy, so you may want to run this problem and potential solutions over with your child's therapist.

[Anonymous]

Is it homework or class work she’snot completing?

If it’s class work, we’ve had success talking to teachers and having them send home unfinished work. The key is having teachers who are willing to communicate daily or weekly. It’s really hard to control from home what they are doing in school all day.

Either way, you might consider an executive function coach. Having a neutral third party go over assignments, etc. might feel less stressful than having a parent do it.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks so much for your advice. It's very helpful and has given me some ideas. For some background, DD was tested for adhd and doesn't have it. (But I heard there are multiple ways to evaluate, so maybe it's not completely ruled out. It is in our family.) She does have anxiety, and I think how she does in school reflects how well she's doing mentally. She did do very well working independently one quarter and turning in assignments.

I have been talking to her about school/assignments almost everyday, once I realized she was having trouble.

For this particular instance, she didn't turn in a few assignments (due 2 weeks ago)...for the last 2 weeks she had a lot of excuses why they weren't being done and said she would take care of it. Then, this weekend, she said it was too late to turn them in. She freaked out when I said I had to email her teacher. (I think she gets embarrassed/anxious about not doing well.)

Her hitting isn't great, but she's improved tremendously. It was a one off, and we're still working on it.

I guess where I get stuck is I know she's going to be upset when I bring up her not completing work and talking to her teacher, I can see her starting to get upset, but I also don't want to drop it. (And I try hard not to nag/repeat, I just want to say what i need to make a point.) I also don't want her to explode either.

[Anonymous]

Until you figure out how to communicate with your child in a way she feels validated and heard, this situation is going to keep getting worse.

Please read this as a start -

The Explosive Child https://a.co/d/iKWHJa1

[Anonymous]

Adhd is a clinical diagnosis (not one based solely on neuropsych results) and if it’s worth talking to a psychiatrist specifically about this issue if she’s consistently behind/not turning stuff in. It’s atypical behavior for a kid who cares abt school and wants to fo well (plus has an organized home and parental support.) It could be also be ocd or several other things. It does need an explanation though. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

If she has diagnosed anxiety, therapy might not be enough to help her. Now is the time to see a psychiatrist and explore medication options in addition to therapy.

Has she had a full neuropsych? There could be some kind of learning disability or slow processing issues underlying the anxiety. At age 11 kids who can do well at school will, and hitting and yelling is not age-typical.

Who diagnosed the anxiety (Ped, therapist psychiatrist?) and how (i.e. clinical observation, psychoed or neuropsych, any standardized normed questionnaires or just clinical observation)?

[Anonymous]

Ask if she'd rather talk about school stuff via notes - you can grab a notebook and write to her and she can write back. Maybe that will feel different to her than talking face to face.