what to do about my mother?
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Anonymous
| Mom is mid 60s, relative good health. She has been widowed a few years. My father was abusive and controlling. My mom became isolated after she came to US some 30 years ago, and has no friends and social life. She had a job before that was her only socal outlet, but got fired after 16 years. I am an only child and she moved close to me after my father died and she got fired. My family are her only interaction, and I have to take care of everything financial and healtcare related for her, and I find it suffocating. She is passive aggressive and anxious. Insists on doing things that involve unnecessary risks. She went out last year right after snow storm to go grocery shop when she had plenty of groceries, and broke her wrist in a fall, didn't say anything for a day until I found out and was still insisting it was just a sprain. She doesn't drive and walks over to my house in 90+ weather after I told her I will pick her up. Latest is insisting on mowing her own lawn after DH bought a mower to mow her lawn for her. She has never mowed in her life, not strong enough to control the mower, and has poor eye sight. Now she is saying not letting her learn to mow is making her feel like she is just waiting to die. I am tired of dealing with her, but don't know what to do. |
Anonymous
|
Unless she's endangering other people or has some form of dementia, stop making decisions for her about what she can and can't do. She's an adult human being and gets to decide, even if you (rightly) disagree with her. and by preventing/prohibiting her from doing things, you're adding to your own burden.
If you treat her like an infant, you'll have an infant to take care of. |
Anonymous
|
Obviously, I don't know your mother. But I'm 67 and I drive (no longer at night), shop, take care of the household, pay bills, garden, dine out, go to local performances, volunteer, travel, see friends, and handle my medical appointments. Plus, I have anxiety, depression, and PTSD that I manage fairly well. Folks in their mid-60s is most often a fully-functioning adult and resent being treated as too incompetent to live or make decisions about their own lives.
Is this possibly a 'you' problem? |
Anonymous
I know folks in their mid 60s are most often a fully functioning adult. But my mom does not do most of the things you listed. I didn't chose to take care of her finances and healthcare issues. She never learned English sufficiently to manage any of these things on her own. She has been relying on me to help her with this stuff for over 20 years. When she broke her wrist, she relied on me to bring her to all her doctor appointments, to surgery, and physical therapy. She also relies on me for all social interaction, as she has no friends, and is not receptive when I suggest activities for her, or encourage her to reconnect with old friends, or interact with her neighbors. |
Anonymous
|
Thanks for responding, OP. That's a tough situation and I wish I had an answer for you.
Consider having her evaluated for depression and anxiety. While it may not be a complete answer, getting her on appropriate psych meds may help. |
Anonymous
| Can you get her involved with an ethnic church for your ethnicity? Lots of these churches are mostly social not religious and they have lots of activities for old widowed ladies. |
Anonymous
This, maybe your could go with her a time or 2 and help her meet people? |
Anonymous
I have an older acquaintance who did this, the connection to language and culture was great and a lot of the ladies drive each other, they go on outings, do volunteer work at the church, etc. |
Anonymous
| Send her back to the old country and find a companion for her there? Might be cheaper and she may feel less isolated? |