Bored and Lonely

[Anonymous]

My mom (80s) moved in with us about a year ago. She is not horrid like a lot of parents who move in. But she does need assistance and shouldn't be left alone for more than an hour. I have part-time help during the day so I can get work done; the rest of my time is caregiving, taking care of the house, etc. My only DC is in college. My husband helps with everything, but he also works and works longer hours.

I am just really bored and lonely. We can't really afford to bring on more help for date nights. Same for weekends away. I sometimes see friends for lunch during the day while the companion is around, but then I am catching up on work and chores get behind.

Now that the weather is nice and I see Instagram shots of my friends going out and having nice dinners or going to things, it just highlights how I am not really able to have much of a life. I thought with empty nesting we'd be able to any night of the week decide we wanted to go for a drink or dinner. See a movie. Whatever. Take a drive. But we really can't do much of anything.

I guess I didn't notice it as much when it was cold. But it's so beautiful out now. We used to take bike rides on the weekends, we can't do that anymore except for really short ones. We used to do brunch with friends. I guess I'm having a little pity party for myself but I just feel so down.

This is time where I wish we had other family around to help out and give us a break. And this is horrible to say, and I don't really mean it the way it sounds but I don't know if this is going to be my life for years and years to come.

[Anonymous]

You need to put your mom into an assisted living situation, or at least find adult day care for her. This is so unhealthy for you, and so unfair. Do you have siblings who can contribute to caring for your mom? They can help pay for her care if she has no money to do so. Even if your mom is a kind and loving person, if she needs that much care, she needs to be in a place that can care for her 24/7. You should not have to give up your entire life to care for her.

[Anonymous]

What happens if your mom is left alone for 2-3 hours?

[Anonymous]

Invite friends over for drinks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What happens if your mom is left alone for 2-3 hours?

She gets anxious and antsy and does things like starts to forget using her cane. She has calm safer behavior for about and hour and then she gets worried a ihr everything and it is like a chain reaction, she forgets to use her cane, she becomes a bigger fall risk

She also calls all the time and no matter how much we remind her to use it unless we are there in person for us to see and process it doesn’t work

[Anonymous]

Find an assisted living that provides respite care and arrange for your mom to be there two weekends a month.
Small home based ones are less expensive.

[Anonymous]

Your mom may benefit from a medication for anxiety.

[Anonymous]

OP if you don’t get a handle on this, it will only get worse. It could go on for so long. Are you not going to have any date nights for 10 years or more? Do you think that’s what your mom wants for you? You have to figure out how to prioritize additional care for your mom.

[Anonymous]

Also, hire an adult sitter for date night, longer bike rides etc.

Find the money somewhere so that you can get out.

Come up with a plan. This could go on for years or decades.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Invite friends over for drinks.

You don't need someone leaving your home drunk and driving or an elderly person having the drinks mix with meds. You need her in a living situation where she has a constant source of social stimulation. At AL she can make friends and have many social activities to sign up for and people to eat with her at every meal. The brain needs this social stimulation. It is not the same as having an adult child who feels burned out and obligated. It is much better for her to have a social network and to have you come to visit cheerful and replenished because you aren't responsible for her happiness anymore.

[Anonymous]

This is exactly what assisted living is for, and it sounds like she'd be a lot happier there. Plus an anti-anxiety med. It also seems like part of her behavior is impulsivity.

If she won't actually move, perhaps an adult day program would give her more social engagement and give you a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Invite friends over for drinks.

You don't need someone leaving your home drunk and driving or an elderly person having the drinks mix with meds. You need her in a living situation where she has a constant source of social stimulation. At AL she can make friends and have many social activities to sign up for and people to eat with her at every meal. The brain needs this social stimulation. It is not the same as having an adult child who feels burned out and obligated. It is much better for her to have a social network and to have you come to visit cheerful and replenished because you aren't responsible for her happiness anymore.

It's for OP to invite Op's friends over for drinks, not the mother! That way OP can be on site and check in with her mom every hour or so. Not much of a break for OP, but she can see her friends at least.

This is not sustainable for the long term OP.

[Anonymous]

This is not sustainable for you. You need some additional care.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know if she would be happier in assisted living but it sure seems like you would. Your life would no longer have to revolve around her care needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Find an assisted living that provides respite care and arrange for your mom to be there two weekends a month.
Small home based ones are less expensive.

Not OP but good to know this is an option. Any you could recommend from experience or reputation?