Do you ever feel like the SNL character when people talk about their sweet elderly mama?

[Anonymous]

I forgive me if I already posted this a year or 2 ago. You know the skit about an alien invasion and 2 characters describe this peaceful and beautiful encounter and Kate McKinnon's character goes into this highly disturbing account of her experience? That's how I feel. I have to have this deranged sense of humor about it so I don't cry or feel too envious. They will describe how sweet little elderly mom says the most supportive things and they meet up for these uplifting lunches and mama makes them promise they will live their lives with joy once she is gone even though the adult kids are devastated at the thought of losing their rock and biggest cheerleader. Mama is grateful for their visits. When they are concerned about a health issue they want mama to check out she sheds at a tear and thanks them for caring and being willing to come with her. I usually just say supportive things to my friends as they share their heart warming stories and I pray I don't get asked about my experience. I have learned to just say something vague because the truth is...

My visits with mama might have a few forced smiles from her in between spewing insults, bitterness, blame, guilt trips and comparisons to every adult child who is better than I am.Last time I expressed concern about a health issue (her increasing hostility and forgetfulness) she lashed out at me and then took away the release of info that allows me to speak to any doctors. I vowed never to drive her to an appointment again after she spent the entire time in the car criticizing my driving and telling me I better STFU and let her do all the talking with the doctor. If I even share a small bit of what mama is like someone might suggest with age and possible dementia people's personalities change so much. Um yeah, I've heard that, but she was always like this, she just cussed less and dad made her pipe down whenever she got mean.

I truly am happy for all of you with sweet, loving moms and I try to live vicariously as I hear your sweet stories. If you see me laughing to myself in a deranged way I am NOT laughing at you. I am trying to see in the humor in the fact my experience is so vastly different.

[Anonymous]

You are not alone.

Mine is revoking releases too. Self destructive but feels like a power move, I guess.

I had many sweet older relatives, like you describe. Alas, many died at younger ages. I think my mom's frequent incandescent rage keeps her going somehow.

I am not sure I will have any happy memories, she can sure turn on the charm with others though.

[Anonymous]

I have assigned myself the journaling task of writing the obituary I will never give in public -- the one where I really describe the person that my father was, the cruelty, the belittling, the ways in which he warped us, the cutting remarks, the playing favorites, the childish petty behavior. He is nearly 90 and still turns on the charm for others. I know that at his funeral there wll be people talking about what a great guy he was. If they only knew the half of it.

[Anonymous]

I’m with you, and I’m sorry your parent is awful.

Mine lies to one sibling about what the other sibling did or said and then says, “I worry you won’t get along.”

People say it’s dementia. Yeah, right. She’s done this my whole life.

I tried to explain the dynamic of how mother tries to drive my sibling and I apart to a friend and they said, “But why would she do that?” I’ll never mention this topic again to people with normal moms. They rarely understand.

It really seems to drive my mother nuts when I say my sibling and I get along fine. Mother likes to start drama and keep the focus on herself.