How long could/ should I leave my kids for?

[Anonymous]

Mom (75) just had botched spinal surgery. They live in Europe and I’m here - she’s in hospital in extreme pain and the recovery looks long. Dad is alive but 80 and it’s a lot for him. At home I have a 7 and 9 year old (and a full time job - but am doing that from here for now). I’m at a loss as to what to do. Guessing I’m going to be here a couple weeks at least - and can’t just go back and forth easily. Any tips on how to plan/ think about things?

[Anonymous]

Are you a single parent? If married, what is spouse's involvement/ability with the kids? What childcare do you have outside your spouse, if you have one? Other family, hired help, ability to hire help, etc.?

On the other end, what resources are available to your parents in terms of assistance and care? Government services, community assistance, paid help, etc.

It's going to be about balancing those resources on both ends. You should go where you are most needed and where there are the fewest resources. You also might want to structure your time with your parents now in terms of getting them set up so that you will be less likely to need to come out on an emergency basis (of course plan regular visits to see them, but I'd look to reduce the odds that you have to hop on a plane at the last minute due to a crisis). It sounds like they need some kind of long-term in-home assistance -- is that financially feasible? Make sure to exhaust all government support.

I'm sorry your parents are ailing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you a single parent? If married, what is spouse's involvement/ability with the kids? What childcare do you have outside your spouse, if you have one? Other family, hired help, ability to hire help, etc.?

On the other end, what resources are available to your parents in terms of assistance and care? Government services, community assistance, paid help, etc.

It's going to be about balancing those resources on both ends. You should go where you are most needed and where there are the fewest resources. You also might want to structure your time with your parents now in terms of getting them set up so that you will be less likely to need to come out on an emergency basis (of course plan regular visits to see them, but I'd look to reduce the odds that you have to hop on a plane at the last minute due to a crisis). It sounds like they need some kind of long-term in-home assistance -- is that financially feasible? Make sure to exhaust all government support.

I'm sorry your parents are ailing.

Op - dh is there - he works full time but is able to take care of them.
As mom recovers we will need probably some help for her. First we need to deal with the emergent situation. But I fear that could take over a month..

[Anonymous]

It’s fine to stay as long as you need or want. Your kids will be fine. FaceTime daily

Are you an only child?

[Anonymous]

What kind of care options are available in their country? Is the hospital taking responsibility for the botched surgery?

There is no correct answer for how long you should leave your kids. It depends entirely on your kids and their personalities, your DH and his job, any special needs or circumstances, support networks in both locations, etc. If your kids are really needy or your DH's job is inflexible, then you'll have to work harder to find a solution so you can come home. If they are laid back, then you have some more breathing room.

FWIW, my kids would be upset but would understand why I needed to be away for several weeks. I would probably have to set up grocery deliveries and have cleaners come to cover the chores I normally handle.

[Anonymous]

With a full time job, your kids were being covered with sometime of care, I have to guess. So, I wouldn't have the kids as your #1 concern.

Not nothing anything about where your parents are and what happens to elders in that country ... the far greater concern, and I'd be surprised if it were a new concern - is setting up care for your parents for the 99% of time you're not there.

[Anonymous]

What country are you in? Your kids will be fine, they will muddle through even if the day to day looks different. Stay as long as you need to until your Mom is in a good care situation.

[Anonymous]

Op - my parents have means and up till now have needed zero day to day care. So this is a new situation. No other support where we live but even if there was she would still need rehab for a while.
I have never left the kids for longer than a week so no idea ar what point it will become weird for them if I’m completely gone for x period of time. Obv the priority is to stabilize and sort out my mom

[Anonymous]

op - it looks like my mother's situation can only be resolved by further surgery but they likely cannot do the further surgery for some weeks. NO idea what to do.. such an insane situation as seems like her surgeon screwed up the procedure

[Anonymous]

This is based on my experience as a child, not as a parent, but up to three weeks is a non issue. I think longer than that would get tougher.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op - it looks like my mother's situation can only be resolved by further surgery but they likely cannot do the further surgery for some weeks. NO idea what to do.. such an insane situation as seems like her surgeon screwed up the procedure

It’s certainly possible, but if you’re doing spinal surgery on a 75 year old I think it’s safe to say things must have been bad and the risks were very high, right? Any surgery for a 75 year old is a huge deal and a gamble. Even if the surgery itself goes well you could be in for months of agony from the anesthesia.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:op - it looks like my mother's situation can only be resolved by further surgery but they likely cannot do the further surgery for some weeks. NO idea what to do.. such an insane situation as seems like her surgeon screwed up the procedure

It’s certainly possible, but if you’re doing spinal surgery on a 75 year old I think it’s safe to say things must have been bad and the risks were very high, right? Any surgery for a 75 year old is a huge deal and a gamble. Even if the surgery itself goes well you could be in for months of agony from the anesthesia.

Op - what is your point other than to add to the anxiety of the situation?
She couldn’t stand so had to have surgery and is now in agonizing pain so has to have further surgery. What do you suggest I do here?

[Anonymous]

OP, my mother had to be away for several weeks — maybe up to a month, I don’t exactly recall, when I was your kids’ age (my grandfather was dying on the west coast). And this was back when long distance calling was too expensive for the likes of us to do regularly so I didn’t speak to her the entire time. It never occurred to me (then or now) that she should have done anything else. My dad and sister and I survived. Go be with your parents as you need to be.

[Anonymous]

The best way to offer advice is with information. Can you find out:

When is the next surgery scheduled for?
Between now and the next surgery, where would your mother be--in a hospital/rehab center or at home?
What kinds of support can you get from the hospital, meaning is there a social worker there that can help with community resources?

Your kids are fine. You can FaceTime with them. Right now your goal is to map out the care for your mother. When you might come home is dependent upon the answers above.

[Anonymous]

Also, when things settle a bit, use this emergency as a fore shadow in to the future as they get older. Being on different continents means they need resources there. You can not be their emergency help. This will likely happen again.