s/o senior parents living separately due to cognitive and physical gaps - how frequent?

[Anonymous]

My FiL is faltering, mentally and somewhat physically, while MiL is still quite active. They continue to live at home in an arrangement that appears to work well for both of them.

Are there people on here with parents, grandparents, other seniors in their lives where one of the couple moved into a CCRC while the other remained at home? My aunt and uncle moved into a CCRC where he entered memory care and our aunt lived in a small apartment where she could visit him throughout the day but he was safe at night. My dad fell, never recovered from his injury and entered skilled nursing while my mom lived at home. He was close by but they didn't have money for them to live in a CCRC.

My ILs have some money, so some options. MiL is quite social and likes being out for luncheons, see friends, etc. She occasionally hosts for bridge, mah jong, etc. But wondering that she may think she needs to go where her husband is (even though she does find the care tiring - they are lucky to have help for most of the week days).

The situation seems fine for the moment, but events can turn so quickly. I'm more interested in reading about others' experiences, especially the range of them. DH sometimes looks to me here for guidance/support so am anticipating that he may do so again.

[Anonymous]

I saw a couple of people where the wife would stay home and visit daily when my dad was in a SNF. These woman were so devoted to their husbands. My mom lived on the IL side until she fell and I had to put her in SNF temporarily. Then my dad passed and I moved her here closer to me at a ALF.

Anonymous wrote:My FiL is faltering, mentally and somewhat physically, while MiL is still quite active. They continue to live at home in an arrangement that appears to work well for both of them.

Are there people on here with parents, grandparents, other seniors in their lives where one of the couple moved into a CCRC while the other remained at home? My aunt and uncle moved into a CCRC where he entered memory care and our aunt lived in a small apartment where she could visit him throughout the day but he was safe at night. My dad fell, never recovered from his injury and entered skilled nursing while my mom lived at home. He was close by but they didn't have money for them to live in a CCRC.

My ILs have some money, so some options. MiL is quite social and likes being out for luncheons, see friends, etc. She occasionally hosts for bridge, mah jong, etc. But wondering that she may think she needs to go where her husband is (even though she does find the care tiring - they are lucky to have help for most of the week days).

The situation seems fine for the moment, but events can turn so quickly. I'm more interested in reading about others' experiences, especially the range of them. DH sometimes looks to me here for guidance/support so am anticipating that he may do so again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I saw a couple of people where the wife would stay home and visit daily when my dad was in a SNF. These woman were so devoted to their husbands. My mom lived on the IL side until she fell and I had to put her in SNF temporarily. Then my dad passed and I moved her here closer to me at a ALF.

Anonymous wrote:My FiL is faltering, mentally and somewhat physically, while MiL is still quite active. They continue to live at home in an arrangement that appears to work well for both of them.

Are there people on here with parents, grandparents, other seniors in their lives where one of the couple moved into a CCRC while the other remained at home? My aunt and uncle moved into a CCRC where he entered memory care and our aunt lived in a small apartment where she could visit him throughout the day but he was safe at night. My dad fell, never recovered from his injury and entered skilled nursing while my mom lived at home. He was close by but they didn't have money for them to live in a CCRC.

My ILs have some money, so some options. MiL is quite social and likes being out for luncheons, see friends, etc. She occasionally hosts for bridge, mah jong, etc. But wondering that she may think she needs to go where her husband is (even though she does find the care tiring - they are lucky to have help for most of the week days).

The situation seems fine for the moment, but events can turn so quickly. I'm more interested in reading about others' experiences, especially the range of them. DH sometimes looks to me here for guidance/support so am anticipating that he may do so again.

PP, thanks for your response. I could see my MiL visiting FiL daily, even a couple of times. DK though if we should prefer walking from one area to the other as your mom did or still prefer to be at home. She may like "activity' even more than the independence of being at home - she may find living at home lonely even if she can find some aspects of the current arrangement tiring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I saw a couple of people where the wife would stay home and visit daily when my dad was in a SNF. These woman were so devoted to their husbands. My mom lived on the IL side until she fell and I had to put her in SNF temporarily. Then my dad passed and I moved her here closer to me at a ALF.

Anonymous wrote:My FiL is faltering, mentally and somewhat physically, while MiL is still quite active. They continue to live at home in an arrangement that appears to work well for both of them.

Are there people on here with parents, grandparents, other seniors in their lives where one of the couple moved into a CCRC while the other remained at home? My aunt and uncle moved into a CCRC where he entered memory care and our aunt lived in a small apartment where she could visit him throughout the day but he was safe at night. My dad fell, never recovered from his injury and entered skilled nursing while my mom lived at home. He was close by but they didn't have money for them to live in a CCRC.

My ILs have some money, so some options. MiL is quite social and likes being out for luncheons, see friends, etc. She occasionally hosts for bridge, mah jong, etc. But wondering that she may think she needs to go where her husband is (even though she does find the care tiring - they are lucky to have help for most of the week days).

The situation seems fine for the moment, but events can turn so quickly. I'm more interested in reading about others' experiences, especially the range of them. DH sometimes looks to me here for guidance/support so am anticipating that he may do so again.

PP, thanks for your response. I could see my MiL visiting FiL daily, even a couple of times. DK though if we should prefer walking from one area to the other as your mom did or still prefer to be at home. She may like "activity' even more than the independence of being at home - she may find living at home lonely even if she can find some aspects of the current arrangement tiring.

PP here: My mom would walk daily to see my dad for every meal. She would go to exercise class in between. Now that she is at assisted living I have to keep bugging the staff to have her go to class and other activities. But it sounds like your mom is way more social than my mom. She would probably like to be able to go those activities. There are places where the husband and wife can live in an assisted living together. Maybe that would work out better for them. Instead of paying separately. Plus if he only needs assistance SNF maybe too much. But to have it in the bldg would be helpful.

[Anonymous]

Op, it would be fine. Older folks have a lot of life experience and understand, usually ... ideally, that to everything there is a season. The well spouse visits, hopefully often (whatever that might be) My Mother visited every day for maybe 4 hours. That still gave her some flexibility with her own independent life. Also, the well spouse will probably make some friends, going to visit and feel more comfortable there, have a small social life there. They can stay for/pay for meals there. It might help with their someday adjustment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, it would be fine. Older folks have a lot of life experience and understand, usually ... ideally, that to everything there is a season. The well spouse visits, hopefully often (whatever that might be) My Mother visited every day for maybe 4 hours. That still gave her some flexibility with her own independent life. Also, the well spouse will probably make some friends, going to visit and feel more comfortable there, have a small social life there. They can stay for/pay for meals there. It might help with their someday adjustment.

I realize it could be fine - am just interested in the range of experiences.

While for everything there is a season, I would say my MiL has had some challenges adjusting to this one, more so than anticipated. She was a little judgy on our having a nanny so it's been a bit of a surprise here. But she is also of a generation where the spouses were always together. DH and I talked and he is going to explore with his mom in the coming weeks - suss out if she has opinions here in order that he is prepared accordingly. Of course that could change in the moment, but he would like a sense of what she is considering now when not in crisis.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you found a CCRC that will take your FIL as a direct entry to memory care? CCRCs usually want people to enter at the IL level so they can establish ties to the community before they're more limited

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you found a CCRC that will take your FIL as a direct entry to memory care? CCRCs usually want people to enter at the IL level so they can establish ties to the community before they're more limited

There's been no looking yet. What happens when someone has been at home until their needs are no longer able to be met there?

[Anonymous]

I know one person who moved to a new home with essentially an in law suite that she moved her husband into and had in-home care for him there, while she continued her regular life. There was a separate bedroom for the aide, and they put safety locks on his doors.

I know another couple where the wife moved into independent living that was connected with a memory care unit where her husband was.

I think there are lots of variations.

[Anonymous]

My aunt was in assisted living with parkinsons and my uncle lived across the street (he moved to a regular apartment building unaffiliated with the assisted living place) and visited every day. It worked well for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you found a CCRC that will take your FIL as a direct entry to memory care? CCRCs usually want people to enter at the IL level so they can establish ties to the community before they're more limited

There's been no looking yet. What happens when someone has been at home until their needs are no longer able to be met there?

Some CCRCs will take you as a "per diem" patient, but it's more expensive.

Other people move to nursing homes or other care facilities that are only for people who can't manage independent living (CCRCs/life plan communities are for people who are ready to move but don't need care yet, with the understanding that staged support is available as needed)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you found a CCRC that will take your FIL as a direct entry to memory care? CCRCs usually want people to enter at the IL level so they can establish ties to the community before they're more limited

There's been no looking yet. What happens when someone has been at home until their needs are no longer able to be met there?

Some CCRCs will take you as a "per diem" patient, but it's more expensive.

Other people move to nursing homes or other care facilities that are only for people who can't manage independent living (CCRCs/life plan communities are for people who are ready to move but don't need care yet, with the understanding that staged support is available as needed)

Got it - helpful - TY for sharing that info.

FiL is able to live "independently" as MiL is still there. No way he could live on his own. He definitely has memory issues, but is not a flight risk, at least at this time. He only leaves the house to walk with MiL and the dog or with the aide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know one person who moved to a new home with essentially an in law suite that she moved her husband into and had in-home care for him there, while she continued her regular life. There was a separate bedroom for the aide, and they put safety locks on his doors.

I know another couple where the wife moved into independent living that was connected with a memory care unit where her husband was.

I think there are lots of variations.

Thanks for sharing. Am interested in what are the range of arrangements, so this is helpful.

They basically have the first arrangement at the moment. Aide is there during the week and MiL continues with her outings and obligations. No aide on weekend, so MiL dials it back.

If they were to relocate, then they might be able to do the second option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My FiL is faltering, mentally and somewhat physically, while MiL is still quite active. They continue to live at home in an arrangement that appears to work well for both of them.

Are there people on here with parents, grandparents, other seniors in their lives where one of the couple moved into a CCRC while the other remained at home? My aunt and uncle moved into a CCRC where he entered memory care and our aunt lived in a small apartment where she could visit him throughout the day but he was safe at night. My dad fell, never recovered from his injury and entered skilled nursing while my mom lived at home. He was close by but they didn't have money for them to live in a CCRC.

My ILs have some money, so some options. MiL is quite social and likes being out for luncheons, see friends, etc. She occasionally hosts for bridge, mah jong, etc. But wondering that she may think she needs to go where her husband is (even though she does find the care tiring - they are lucky to have help for most of the week days).

The situation seems fine for the moment, but events can turn so quickly. I'm more interested in reading about others' experiences, especially the range of them. DH sometimes looks to me here for guidance/support so am anticipating that he may do so again.

I'm convinced that my grandmother took decades off of her life caring for my grandfather once dementia really set in. It just wore her down