15 year old losing interest in school work

[Anonymous]

Our 15 year old boyis a 9th grader at a public school and simply does not care about his grades. He cares about sports and friends, but considers school work just an inconvenience. He has decent grades (a few As, lots of Bs, and a C+) but could have consistent A's if he put in a decent amount of serious effort. When my DH and I try to talk to him he just blows us off and refuses to discuss. His friends are nice kids, but do not take school work seriously and are a bad influence in this respect. We arranged a tutor for the subject where he is getting a C+ but he refused to go. We have tried giving consequences (loss of cell phone, grounding) but then he retaliates by putting in even less effort. We have considered pulling him out of sports, but that is the biggest positive in his life, and if we take that away, we worry that he would turn to kids who are a bad influence in terms of drugs/alcohol, which (so far) he has stayed away from. We feel like hostages because we care about his grades but he does not. What to do???

[Anonymous]

I don't have any advice, but I could have written exactly this post, so I wanted to let you know you aren't alone!

We have a high level athlete, and that is the best thing going for him, will not consider pulling that. I keep hoping the very real possibility that he is hurting his athletic future with his lack of effort at school will resonate. He will be doing summer school, and I hope that will be a reality check. A minimal effort in the first place would have prevented summer school, I hope that clicks.

My husband and I disagree about a tutor. He thinks it's something we should push. I am not willing to spend time finding someone just to have another fight, because I expect exactly what you describe.

I am going to get an educational (ADHD) evaluation because a lot of times avoidance is a symptom of a bigger problem. We have already been down the road with some anxiety and depression symptoms. Things have improved greatly on that front, but I know he's not 100% and I think sometimes he really just can't pull everything together.

[Anonymous]

OP, your son is making clear that you aren't going to be able to strongarm him into doing schoolwork.

First I would consider whether the coursework is too hard for him - could he have a learning disability that he can no longer mask. If so, I would see what support is available. If that is not the issue, then I would discuss with him the implications of having bad grades in high school and how it will limit his college choices. It sounds like any consequences that you impose will backfire, so just let a low GPA be his consequence.

I wouldn't pull him out of sports, but remind him that the school likely has a GPA requirement to participate in school sports, so he needs to make sure his grades are high enough to remain eligible to play. Also, if he wants to play in college, he is going to need good grades to have his choice of schools/programs.

And then, let him make his choice and live with it. Some kids need to learn the hard way.

[Anonymous]

Is he interested in college? Some kids straighten up when they realize community college is in their future. I would just be supportive and explain the typical route with these grades, and you’re supportive of whatever choice he makes.

[Anonymous]

Most boys brains at this age are working overtime growing and figuring out who they are and their place in the world. It is almost biologically impossible for some of them to focus on school the way it is needed for them to meet the expectations put in them. They cannot think long term. I have had to do lots of handholding in the 9th and 10th grade years. They figure it out by 11th.

Mom of 3 boys.

[Anonymous]

^ Oh and do not pull him out of sports!

[Anonymous]

You cannot make him care. And I think there are WAY more downsides to pulling him out from sports.

[Anonymous]

Yeah I think if he understands the consequences, the natural consequences are the way to go here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You cannot make him care. And I think there are WAY more downsides to pulling him out from sports.

+1. I pushed and took away electronics. We are an extreme case but eventually there was school refusal and mental health issues. I went from worrying about college admissions someday to worrying about keeping him alive.

Now we focus on going to school and hope he passes most of his classes. He constantly says he wants to quit and there’s therapy involved. We discuss how a GED and vocational options be will available when he’s older. We try to encourage him to get out with friends as much as possible and keep up with sports. It’s the healthiest thing in his life.

I’m hoping he matures and sees the value in doing something productive whether it’s school or training. He’s been trying to find a job so it’s a good sign he wants to work.

[Anonymous]

I would start with cutting off electronic access and then limiting friend access. He doesn't get to decide to opt out of school. You can adjust your acceptable bar, meaning he can become a C student instead of an A or B student, but I would let him know that comes with some tradeoffs, i.e. that he might need to go to community college rather than a 4-year right away or that he will need to pursue vocational school after high school or look to the military as his next step.

But don't let him come and go freely if he's failing. If he's committed to becoming a C student, ok, but don't spare him from what that means for his future.

[Anonymous]

Does he want to play sports in college? For many sports, he actually does have to have a decent GPA, so telling him that may entice him to work more.

[Anonymous]

I think you should take him on a college tour now. Let him see what dorm life is like, what fun things the schools have (they have a lot) and then he knows what he is working for. Then take him to a community college and let him see what that’s about. He will do what he will do, but at least let him see what he is aiming for. I would also try to send him on a summer program like Outward Bound, so he matures a little.

The mail thing is to keep him healthy and happy, and if he has to go the community college route, then so be it. It’s a good choice for lots of kids.

I’d also have him sit with you while you pay bills, so he knows what things cost now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would start with cutting off electronic access and then limiting friend access. He doesn't get to decide to opt out of school. You can adjust your acceptable bar, meaning he can become a C student instead of an A or B student, but I would let him know that comes with some tradeoffs, i.e. that he might need to go to community college rather than a 4-year right away or that he will need to pursue vocational school after high school or look to the military as his next step.

But don't let him come and go freely if he's failing. If he's committed to becoming a C student, ok, but don't spare him from what that means for his future.

He is in 9th grade. This will mean nothing to him. Limiting friend access will backfire hugely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should take him on a college tour now. Let him see what dorm life is like, what fun things the schools have (they have a lot) and then he knows what he is working for. Then take him to a community college and let him see what that’s about. He will do what he will do, but at least let him see what he is aiming for. I would also try to send him on a summer program like Outward Bound, so he matures a little.

The mail thing is to keep him healthy and happy, and if he has to go the community college route, then so be it. It’s a good choice for lots of kids.

I’d also have him sit with you while you pay bills, so he knows what things cost now.

Wut.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our 15 year old boyis a 9th grader at a public school and simply does not care about his grades. He cares about sports and friends, but considers school work just an inconvenience. He has decent grades (a few As, lots of Bs, and a C+) but could have consistent A's if he put in a decent amount of serious effort. When my DH and I try to talk to him he just blows us off and refuses to discuss. His friends are nice kids, but do not take school work seriously and are a bad influence in this respect. We arranged a tutor for the subject where he is getting a C+ but he refused to go. We have tried giving consequences (loss of cell phone, grounding) but then he retaliates by putting in even less effort. We have considered pulling him out of sports, but that is the biggest positive in his life, and if we take that away, we worry that he would turn to kids who are a bad influence in terms of drugs/alcohol, which (so far) he has stayed away from. We feel like hostages because we care about his grades but he does not. What to do???

Let him retaliate. Who's in charge here? You take the phone and he doesn't go out with his friends. He can stay home and stare at the walls if he wants.