Leaning into the family you have

[Anonymous]

I have two great kids, wanted three, but age and multiple miscarriages and where my DH is on the matter at this point are having me take a hard look at re-evaluating family size goals. Friends who I have asked who stopped at whatever number earlier than they had hoped to, all tend to come around to a theme of double down on being happy with the family you have. I’m not “unhappy” per se, but the transition from “trying” for another and the optimism and planning that comes with it….was making us plan differently in ways I can’t quite explain. Car size, summer plans (when two months ago I thought I was having a baby in August.) There has been a lot of grief, but also I don’t want to miss out on the children I have and the stages of life they are in. I fantasize about walking away from my very stressful but meaningful job because of how it pulled my attention from my family over the last few years. Open to all recommendations for this stage of life.

[Anonymous]

Just hugs OP and no real advice. We ultimately stopped at two mostly for the sake of what we could give our current kids (both attention and money) and the stress level/what we thought we could handle. We had previously planned to have 3 or 4 (before we had any.) The mental transition was hard and I’m still wistful sometimes but I love the life we have (mine are a tween and teen now) and love how much we are able to be there for them and provide for them. There is no right or wrong answer but I do think time helps ease a lot.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Let yourself have a period of mourning for what you've lost: pregnancies, a third child, a different life. Then embrace what you do have.

You sound very thoughtful and aware, OP. Best wishes to you.

[Anonymous]

I always try to look at the positives of the “new” situation.
You will hav have more money, time, sleep, energy. You will have less mess, needs to be met, less time to wait before you can do many things.

Your children are healthy (I hope), your marriage is strong, your finances are fine. You don’t know how a third would actually change all of that… it might

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let yourself have a period of mourning for what you've lost: pregnancies, a third child, a different life. Then embrace what you do have.

You sound very thoughtful and aware, OP. Best wishes to you.

This is good advice. You need to grieve. The pregnancy, the life you envisioned. It doesn't mean your current life is BAD, but it does mean you are experiencing loss. Give yourself some time to really absorb and process that.

You may always feel a little sad about not having a 3rd, and that's ok too. It doesn't mean you don't love your other 2 kids or don't feel fulfilled.

I'm sorry it didn't work out the way you wanted.

[Anonymous]

Your fantasy about leaving a stressful job because it pulled you away from your family for the last few years is worrisome. Were you hoping that a 3rd child would be a ticket to leaving that job?

[Anonymous]

I don’t really understand your post - are you asking if you should have more? If so, I’m in your boat. I love my current family more than anything but can’t shake the thought that we’re not all here yet. Having kids doesn’t always come easy (extremely true in my situation) but people have been having ‘more’ kids for thousands of years. If that’s what you want your family to be, stop the mom guilt. Your kids will hopefully live close to 100 years as siblings, a couple years of getting there is not going to hurt anyone.

[Anonymous]

This is a big transition, from “trying” to “done”. Be gentle on yourself…especially since you are still grieving.
I would just try to focus on making it a good summer, & maybe don’t push yourself to feel done, or settled. Just take it easy & plan the small fun things you can enjoy this summer, with your kids at these ages.
After that, maybe in the fall, look towards maybe a job transition. You are not stuck in an awful job, this is a big part of life so it may be worth it to find something better suited.

[Anonymous]

Your mindset pulled you away, not your job. Thinking you deserved whatever it was you set your mind to: achieve, achieve, achieve. Yes, be more humble.

[Anonymous]

It’s only been two months, OP. I wonder if you are focusing so much on family size that you aren’t adequately giving yourself the space to grieve.

[Anonymous]

Also don’t discount hormones, which are probably still irregular due to the miscarriage.

[Anonymous]

I thought I would have 2 and stopped at one because husband was no help at all and I can only handle one by myself. Never wanted an only child and dC wants a sibling but oh well here we are. I enjoy my one and regret my choice of spouse.