Is being a teacher a death sentence when it comes to finding a partner?

[Anonymous]

My brother is in his mid-20s, gay, lives in DC, and teaches. He’s well-educated, handsome, and has a degree from a highly-regarded university.

The other day I talked to him, and he said that he wants to leave teaching and aim for a high-paying career, but he’s still trying to figure out which career would get him the most money the fastest. I was shocked because although I know he didn’t want to stay in teaching permanently, he is a relatively new teacher and otherwise likes his job: he finds education rewarding, loves his school, and loves his students/colleagues. He thinks “hardly in DC would ever date or marry a teacher.”

I’m confused because I’ve never heard of people in DC rejecting teachers for their salaries before. I know there is elitism in the DC area regarding education, but teachers are educated people, so I didn’t think it would negatively impact them. All of my friends who are teachers and lived in DC are married, and many of them have spouses who make far more than they do. Then again, they are all women, and I know that having a higher salary can be a bigger deal for men than for women, so maybe I’m missing something here.


We grew up in MoCo and went to a “W” high school (Whitman). While the high striver culture there didn’t impact me as much, I remember that it took a toll on my brother a lot when he was there. My parents were also always pushy on him and still are. They pushed him to do med in college (he switched majors in the middle of college, which my parents were NOT happy about). They also constantly push him to leave teaching and compare him to our male cousins (who are not too far in age from him) and are in med school, finished school and make 6-figures, etc and I know that makes my brother feel bad about himself and feel inadequate. I’m pretty sure my parents also told my brother that nobody would marry someone with a teacher salary, so I think that might be part of where he got that idea from as well.

So what is it: is my brother right, or is he just brainwashed by my parents/where we grew up?

[Anonymous]

I married a teacher. It was great because he was able to take care of our kid without much daycare. No, he didn’t make a lot of money but between us, we did ok.

Not everyone is money motivated. We have enough. We don’t always need more. The better reason to leave teaching is to try something new while young. You can get trapped into teaching. He can always go back to it.

[Anonymous]

You’re brother’s not right. And I’m really sad for him. Your parents sound awful.

I’m the child of a (straight) male public school teacher, and his mother would sometimes make comments about money, but it never fazed him, and she seemed more perplexed by his decision than anything else. My mom ended up making more money than him, and it was a huge help in her career that his hours allowed him to be home after school and in the summer, do the grocery shopping, etc. It was a good partnership, and I I had a pretty great childhood!

My kids are DCPS students and have had many gay male teachers over the years, many/most of whom have had partners. He has to see this around him. It really seems to me that this is all about your parents’ voices in your brother’s head; he’s desperately trying to earn their respect, which must be so hard for him.

I really really hope your brother sticks it out in teaching. Finding a job you really like is pretty unusual, and he’s more likely to find a healthy relationship if he’s happy.

You sound like a good sibling—please continue to support him and help him see that he can be happy without making massive amounts of money.

[Anonymous]

I mean he can always go back into teaching if he tries out another career. I wouldn't discourage him unless his new career involves tons of debt.

[Anonymous]

What!? Ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

I’m gay. My husband is a dc teacher. We know plenty of married gay dc teachers and plenty who dated when we were younger. They are mostly married to partners or date people that make more. After a decade or so of high performance a dc teacher makes around $100k. I would hardly call that low income and they have food benefits and time to travel in the summers.

FYI, I went to a W school and for what it’s worth, I make an extremely high income (many millions) and I married my husband.

[Anonymous]

+1 to all the helpful comments here. This makes me so sad.

Kids and especially boys really need some male teachers, gay or not. And thankfully not everyone wants a partner who makes tons of money. It takes all types. Especially if I were planning on raising a family, it makes sense for one of the parents to have a less demanding schedule.

OP I hope you can support your brother and maybe help him draw some lines between himself and your parents and these other negative forces.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m gay. My husband is a dc teacher. We know plenty of married gay dc teachers and plenty who dated when we were younger. They are mostly married to partners or date people that make more. After a decade or so of high performance a dc teacher makes around $100k. I would hardly call that low income and they have food benefits and time to travel in the summers.

FYI, I went to a W school and for what it’s worth, I make an extremely high income (many millions) and I married my husband.

What do you do to make money millions? Is there a way to pivot to that career from being a teacher?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m gay. My husband is a dc teacher. We know plenty of married gay dc teachers and plenty who dated when we were younger. They are mostly married to partners or date people that make more. After a decade or so of high performance a dc teacher makes around $100k. I would hardly call that low income and they have food benefits and time to travel in the summers.

FYI, I went to a W school and for what it’s worth, I make an extremely high income (many millions) and I married my husband.

What do you do to make money millions? Is there a way to pivot to that career from being a teacher?

It’s not really rocket science but a lot of time and willingness to take risk. I started a business and then another and another. I took the profits and bought real estate. Residential and first and then commercial. Then I bought bigger real estate and invested in more companies. 20+ years later I am making astronomical sums of money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re brother’s not right. And I’m really sad for him. Your parents sound awful.

I’m the child of a (straight) male public school teacher, and his mother would sometimes make comments about money, but it never fazed him, and she seemed more perplexed by his decision than anything else. My mom ended up making more money than him, and it was a huge help in her career that his hours allowed him to be home after school and in the summer, do the grocery shopping, etc. It was a good partnership, and I I had a pretty great childhood!

My kids are DCPS students and have had many gay male teachers over the years, many/most of whom have had partners. He has to see this around him. It really seems to me that this is all about your parents’ voices in your brother’s head; he’s desperately trying to earn their respect, which must be so hard for him.

I really really hope your brother sticks it out in teaching. Finding a job you really like is pretty unusual, and he’s more likely to find a healthy relationship if he’s happy.

You sound like a good sibling—please continue to support him and help him see that he can be happy without making massive amounts of money.

My friend's son and his spouse both teach in DC - both gay - one is now in administration and there is little doubt that they are highly respected, dedicated and highly competent. They have terrific academic backgrounds which are not a necessity but their intelligence clearly is an asset. I am impressed every time I meet them. My friend has always been supportive of her son - makes a lot of difference. Note that being a supportive parent is so helpful regardless of orientation. Can't take it for granted.

[Anonymous]

I am a teacher in DC and most of the faculty at my school is married. So somebody is marrying us.

Your parents kinda suck.

[Anonymous]

Is your son gorgeous? If not, money helps a lot, especially if he wants to get with someone gorgeous.

[Anonymous]

Your brother should do it only because he is young and wants to try something else.
It really doesn't take a lot to make 1-2 million by the time he is 40 by investing now if it's about money.
His income should also go up as time goes by.

[Anonymous]

Lol my gay DCPS spouse makes $130k a year so “low salary” is just not a concern.