Forum Index
»
Private & Independent Schools
Mean girls' games involving boys?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
I don't have a daughter at a girls' school -- yet. However, I do have a son at a DC-area boys' school. Son's classmate's mother warned me that the middle-school girls at the sister school are not simply being nice when they say hello and stop and talk to my son and his classmates. She says that the girls are enagaging in a game where they pick a boy that they will all compete over, to see which girl can be the first to get that boy to like her. Once the boy has fallen for the girl, she drops him. This mother claimed that this happened to her osn last year to his great devastation, and that she was just warning me so that my son does not get hurt. I wouldn't my son to become cynical about girls at the sister school, and I wouldn't want him to be cool toward the supposed mean girls if they are in fact just being friendly. Some of my son's classmates seem to be part of it, telling my son that a certain girl likes him and that she's sincerely asking him out when she suggests going out for ice cream (and my son demurs, making no reply). I've told my son just to be unfailingly polite and kind, no matter what.
Could someone please give me the inside scoop on this supposed mean-girl game? Is this game for real? |
Anonymous
| You're groping and trying to stir things up. |
Anonymous
You have no right to try to invalidate the OPs question. Clearly some mean girls don't change even when they grow old. |
Anonymous
| I'm the OP. Thank you for your kind comment, PP. I would sincerely like to have some insight into an issue that my son and I have dealt with all year. I thought hard about posting a question, knowing that there would be some mean replies (as always on DCUM), but I thought that the insights might be worth the flak. Thanks in advance for your help. |
Anonymous
| I have a son at an area boy's school in middle school and have heard nothing of the sort. Sorry. |
Anonymous
| Ditto. But, we really don't have any interaction with girls from any of the girls' schools. |
Anonymous
| my son was harassed by mean girls from Burke |
Anonymous
|
How awful, OP. I'd hate for my son to be afraid to risk liking a girl because of something like this.
Please let someone in the sister school's administration know about this, even anonymously if you must. They'll want to know if this is going on -- and they can help figure out discretely whether it's true or not. I don't know which school you're referring to, but ours asked a mean girl to leave this year. In your case, this one thing probably isn't enough to make big waves, but you could help to establish a pattern of behavior that would eventually get these girls booted. Sounds like the school would be better off without them. |
Anonymous
| Ummm...I'm a Jewish mother too so I know how some of you Italian, Greek, etc. moms must feel about wanting to overprotect your sons. Clearly, you need to lighten up and cut the cord. |
Anonymous
OP here. I'm not Jewish, Italian, or Greek, and I don't think it is excessive to want to help our teenagers, whether boys or girls, navigate the social waters that are new to them and can be confusing when others are rumored to be playing games. It would be helpful to cut through the rumors. If you knew me, you would know that I am known among my friends for being the laid-back mom. |
Anonymous
|
I think lots of adolescents of both genders are insecure and, rather than face (or in some cases even risk) rejection, will contend that whatever was going on was all just a game. It's a way of asserting control over a situation where you're vulnerable and inexperienced.
Whether it was a game at the time (vs. that was a cover story if things didn't play out the way s/he hoped), and/or whether it remains a game (hey, this person actually likes me, I like this person, and now I care more about what s/he thinks of me than about what sport my friends hope to make of our relationship) even if it started out that way strike me as largely unknowable -- except in extremely screwed-up cases like the Landon fantasy league. So what do you tell your kid (boy or girl)? I'm with OP re always be polite and kind (separate things, with "kind" being the higher standard). And go slow -- part of the thrill of romance is getting to know someone and building up a relationship of trust. Don't be pressured into a certain kind of relationship (sexual, committed, romantic, competitive, whatever) just to please someone else or to gain status. And don't pressure anyone else (or be a party to pressuring anyone else) into a relationship. Dating's not supposed to be a spectator sport. Know what you want and are ready for and make sure that the person you want it with is on the same page as you are, and for the same (or compatible) reasons. Parents whose own social relationships model this approach probably will have greater credibility than those whose don't... |
Anonymous
| OP here. Thank you, PP, for your thoughtful analysis. It is very helpful to look at it, as you did, from an insecure teen's persepective. You're right that there may not be an organized "game" at the onset, and that the game may come into existence only as a vulnerable teen claims it was a game just as a cover. This gray area is what makes it so difficult for my son to know how to act in response to girls' invitations to meet outside of school or even to their coming up and hugging him. He is polite of course, but I fear he responds with some coldness because of the possibility that it is all a game. I remember being a teenaged girl, and I hate to think that girls are being rumored to play a game when maybe they are sincere. |
Anonymous
|
For what it's worth, my take is to err on the side of generosity of interpretation (assume sincerity until proven otherwise)* and to do this consciously. It's about who you want to be and what kind of mistakes you are willing to make (e.g. treat someone better than they deserve vs. worse).
If you embrace this approach at the level of principle and get burned as a result, it's easier not to think of yourself as easily duped. You're just someone who has decided to give everyone a chance and who would rather be exploited occasionally than to mistrust everyone. Now if you continually get burned or you get really badly burned, then it's time to start questioning whether you're missing warning signs. *That said, my standard of proof isn't a smoking gun but lack of an alternative/more flattering explanation for a series of behaviors... |
Anonymous
|
PP, I like your generous spirit, willing to "err on the side of generosity of interpretation." All this past year, my son has mentioned instances and asked me what I thought a girl meant when she said this or did that. I am really torn what to tell him, and after the on-the-one-hand-but-on-the-other-hand analysis, I always end up walking that extremely fine tightrope between the girl's being sincere and my son's being made a fool. Frankly, as I tell him, I don't know.
Practocally, even if applying "generosity of interpretation," it is difficult my my son to do anything. For example, recently at a dance he was asked whether he'd like to meet some time this summer for ice cream, and he said nothing at all. Right afterwards, some other boys told him they couldn't believe _______ just asked him out and he said nothing. I don't think he is ready to say yes and be made a dupe if this is a game. But he does not want to flat-out say no. |
Anonymous
Sorry, I should have mentioned that I am the OP. Also, I should proofread more. That's "Practically." |