Just really struggling

[Anonymous]

I am just venting. Having such a hard time with DD6 who is ADHD inattentive + some ASD-like features.

Every single day, every single transition is a battle right now and I am exhausted. DD is hitting, screaming, spitting, making her body go limp...I feel like I am in an abusive relationship behind closed doors. In public, at school, at playdates or therapies she has no issues.

She is in an SN school setting and we're working closely with the school psychologist but help can't come soon enough. DH tries to help but is terrible at de-escalating and often ends up yelling or being too forceful with her (tugging her into her jacket kind of thing). We have a baby who is 10m who is demanding a lot more (and I think some of the root cause of DD's frustration/anger/neediness) and she is also visibly scared when DD starts yelling and we quickly need to separate them.

I am in therapy and looking for a local support group. I feel like I just can't take it anymore right now. DH doesn't have to deal with the brunt of it and I feel alone and shaken.

[Anonymous]

Hugs. For us, age 6-8 was the hardest. The absolute HARDEST. DC's maturity hadn't caught up yet and was fighting all the time at home - but fine at school. Getting a diagnosis with a full neuropsychological evaluation at 8 really changed our household so that now we have some bad days but we also have many good days too, which we didn't used to.

[Anonymous]

You need to do PCIT or similar if you have not already.

[Anonymous]

Very similar over here with DC5. Just want to say you're not alone. It's so hard.

[Anonymous]

Is she medicated? If not, you must do so.

[Anonymous]

Many find Dr. Dan Shapiro, his classes and the community around them helpful for similar kids.

Hang in there, OP.

Has your DH had his ADD issues addressed? That can be helpful too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am just venting. Having such a hard time with DD6 who is ADHD inattentive + some ASD-like features.

Every single day, every single transition is a battle right now and I am exhausted. DD is hitting, screaming, spitting, making her body go limp...I feel like I am in an abusive relationship behind closed doors. In public, at school, at playdates or therapies she has no issues.

She is in an SN school setting and we're working closely with the school psychologist but help can't come soon enough. DH tries to help but is terrible at de-escalating and often ends up yelling or being too forceful with her (tugging her into her jacket kind of thing). We have a baby who is 10m who is demanding a lot more (and I think some of the root cause of DD's frustration/anger/neediness) and she is also visibly scared when DD starts yelling and we quickly need to separate them.

I am in therapy and looking for a local support group. I feel like I just can't take it anymore right now. DH doesn't have to deal with the brunt of it and I feel alone and shaken.

FWIW, I don't see anything wrong with this. We're supposed to give our DC respect and autonomy and expect independence but if children with ADHD or ASD are 3 years delayed in maturity, then dressing them when they refuse, brushing their teeth, etc. isn't wrong, it's just parenting. And they won't need a parent to do this for them forever, eventually they'll do it on their own without assistance or fights.

[Anonymous]

OP: Thanks everyone for the community and suggestions.

I'll look into PCIT and Dan Shapiro.

I agree tugging her into a jacket isn't "wrong" but it's not helpful. DD gets very upset by this kind of action / lack of autonomy over her body, so it instantly makes the situation escalate.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry. I think you need to have a plan with your husband to keep the baby removed from this as much as possible. It is likely affecting her developing brain. You might ask your school social worker about getting in home behavior coaching for you and your husband. You can also try dividing and conquering, where on weekends, you each take a child for half a day and then trade.

If you do not have the child on medication, I would absolutely try that. Have her tested for food and other allergies. Ask the school what strategies they use.

I know it’s a lot. I’d also look for a couples’ therapist for a few sessions. This will continue to take a toll on your marriage.

I was at a training this weekend where the instructor reminded us that kids do the best they can. It’s so hard when they are struggling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry. I think you need to have a plan with your husband to keep the baby removed from this as much as possible. It is likely affecting her developing brain. You might ask your school social worker about getting in home behavior coaching for you and your husband. You can also try dividing and conquering, where on weekends, you each take a child for half a day and then trade.

If you do not have the child on medication, I would absolutely try that. Have her tested for food and other allergies. Ask the school what strategies they use.

I know it’s a lot. I’d also look for a couples’ therapist for a few sessions. This will continue to take a toll on your marriage.

I was at a training this weekend where the instructor reminded us that kids do the best they can. It’s so hard when they are struggling.

Thanks DD is going to the doctor today to get bloodwork done and start the allergy conversation. She also struggles with constipation despite being on a regimen so that doesn't help her mood.

I had her out of the house from 9AM - 3PM yesterday while DH was with the baby but even in those 3 hours home together before baby's bedtime I felt it was too much for the baby. DD had a meltdown and so I took the baby into the other room into a quiet, calm space.

I do think DH and I need help outside our marriage for this. It was very hard when DD was little and we started the SN path but things got smoother for a long time until now we're really back in the thick of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry. I think you need to have a plan with your husband to keep the baby removed from this as much as possible. It is likely affecting her developing brain.

This is such a bizarre, judgmental, guilt-inducing thing to say. Many, many people have both kids with behavioral issues and kids without. It is not affecting the baby’s brain.

[Anonymous]

I am in the same boat with my 10 year old SN DS & 12 year old with some special needs and ODD tendencies. I have looked for in-home behavioral counseling but every one I called said they only take Medicaid and that commercial insurance does not cover (and they don’t even have a private pay rate bc it would be so high). Has anyone with commercial insurance found anything, or anyone with a private pay rate? I am in the City of Alexandria.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry. I think you need to have a plan with your husband to keep the baby removed from this as much as possible. It is likely affecting her developing brain.

This is such a bizarre, judgmental, guilt-inducing thing to say. Many, many people have both kids with behavioral issues and kids without. It is not affecting the baby’s brain.

I was thinking about this after a recent conversation with a friend about our challenging older children. IMO kids can handle a lot of tantrums from other kids, even when it’s happening at an older age than “normal “. Every baby with a 3 year old older sibling has heard tantrums. What freaks kids out IMO is when the adults start to lose it. Luckily that is much more in your control! I agree with getting lots of specific training and getting your DH on the same page. Yes you will probably yell again at some point or visibly lose your cool but modeling calm responses is the single most effective thing you can do for both your kids right now. But meds are good too if you’re struggling that much….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many find Dr. Dan Shapiro, his classes and the community around them helpful for similar kids.

Hang in there, OP.

Has your DH had his ADD issues addressed? That can be helpful too.

Dr. Shapiro also has a free parent support group on Mondays over Zoom. He's really a treasure.