Friend with Asperger, how to proceed?

[Anonymous]

DS ( 10) made friends with a boy who lives a few doors away. I like this boy a lot, he is very sweet kid. He is very quirky and my best guess is that he possibly has Asperger’s.

It’s happened a few times now that my son has said something to this boy while they are playing and this boy has gone home upset. It’s usually a figure of speech or something that should not be taken at face value. This last time they were play fighting and my son said “I’m going to kill you”. This really upset the friend, and my son immediately started apologizing but the friend was very upset and went home. I received a text from the mom saying that my son has been using “harsh words” with her son.

I’m not sure how to proceed. I will discuss speaking kindly with my son but I don’t think the problem is going to completely go away.

We could do a slow fade with this friend but it’s our neighbor, and I’ve noticed that he has very few friends. I have an older child with very few friends so I’m aware of how hard it can be.

FWIW My son is well liked and has a lot of other friends. He has never had “drama” like this with anyone.

[Anonymous]

I would talk with the mom if you can.

[Anonymous]

I would talk with the mom, but also try to coach your son on being a little more sensitive. Getting along with all kinds of people is a life skill for friendships and the workplace, and it will benefit your son to learn it.

[Anonymous]

My son has HFA and understood figurative language at an early age. He would not have been bothered at all. Perhaps this child is more affected, and may have anxiety specifically around getting physically hurt. Your son has to be careful about what he says to this child.

[Anonymous]

Just making sure this isn't the friend with the knife! Assuming not, talk to your son and let him know that some people take things very literally - talk to him about examples of what that means - and ask him to be more aware of his language around this friend.

It's not about speaking kindly (which is very vague advice to many 10 year olds), it's about being literal. Some friends can say "I'm gonna kill you for saying that!" and everyone knows it's joking and no one is offended. It's not unkind in the context of that particular friendship. For this friend, that would not be an appropriate thing to say.

[Anonymous]

ASD friend or not, your child shouldn't be saying "I'll kill you". A friend's son got suspended from our school for saying the same. Nip that now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ASD friend or not, your child shouldn't be saying "I'll kill you". A friend's son got suspended from our school for saying the same. Nip that now.

This. There comes an age to learn that some things are best not said. And any kind of death threat is one of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ASD friend or not, your child shouldn't be saying "I'll kill you". A friend's son got suspended from our school for saying the same. Nip that now.

Probably not in the same situation, or maybe your school is crazy. Kids say worse things at recess, in pretend play. It's developmentally appropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ASD friend or not, your child shouldn't be saying "I'll kill you". A friend's son got suspended from our school for saying the same. Nip that now.

Ditto. This could have very severe consequences for your child. It's not taken as an offhand remark anymore.

At 10, I'll bet your child is mature enough to realize that his friend might process things a little differently. I think you should coach him on how to be a supportive friend while maybe keeping the conversation light and learning how to redirect the conversation a bit.

[Anonymous]

I would be careful in what assumptions you're making about the other boy and I definitely wouldn't lay the blame for the interactions at his feet if discussing with the other mom.

Are you completely sure your boy isn't a little bit of a bully, and that's part of why he's popular? He may not be (and he immediately started apologizing after his kill you comment, which doesn't sound like a bully), but have you overheard all of his interactions with this kid?

[Anonymous]

Are you the same Mom who posted about her kid waving a knife at this friend in the Kitchen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ASD friend or not, your child shouldn't be saying "I'll kill you". A friend's son got suspended from our school for saying the same. Nip that now.

Probably not in the same situation, or maybe your school is crazy. Kids say worse things at recess, in pretend play. It's developmentally appropriate.

Developmentally appropriate doesn’t mean it’s okay. Teaching our kids not to say things like “I’ll kill you” is part of parenting. Asperger’s or not, this is a good opportunity for OP to continue the conversation about how we need to be careful with our words.

[Anonymous]

Deal with your DS. Saying "I'm going to kill you" is very inappropriate. He shouldn't be saying that to anyone.

[Anonymous]

Guarantee the pearl clutching PPs don't have boys. Context is important. My kids and friends say things like this and "I'm going to die now" etc. when playing video games or other play. They are not on suicide watch! OP's son is just a kid and needs to be taught to be sensitive to this friend's needs. OP, if this friend's needs are too great for your child to safely interact, better to stop the play dates and talk to their mom they need their space for now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ASD friend or not, your child shouldn't be saying "I'll kill you". A friend's son got suspended from our school for saying the same. Nip that now.

+1. And I do have a son.