Friend (maybe) has a trans parent - explain to daughter?

[Anonymous]

My 4th grader is in a group of four girls that have become close this year. I know the parents in one family well, but have met all the other parents at drop-offs, school picnics, birthday parties etc.

One of her friends has two moms - they are divorced. I haven’t asked explicitly (nor would I) but, based on what they’ve told me, I’m under the impression that the parents are the friend’s biological parents and that one of the moms (Jane) is a trans woman. (The other mom (Jill) is straight / recently remarried to a man.)

My 4th grader has only been to Jill’s house, and today Jane invited the girls over. My daughter said, “I think we’re going to all go to Larla’s dad’s house today.” And I said “It’s Jane - her other mom - who invited you over.” She looked a little confused for a moment and then said “I’m hoping to play with her cat. Is they the parent who has the cat at her house?” (It is )

My assumption is that no further discussion is needed - especially since I’m not certain of the details myself - but I want to make sure I’m approaching this thoughtfully and welcome tips if that assumption is wrong. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Unless someone transitioned recently, why does it matter who is trans? It’s whatever gender they are now.

[Anonymous]

I think you're fine, but I would keep your ears open for how Larla refers to Jane. If Jane is trans, and transitioned after Larla's was old enough to talk, it's possible (though unlikely) that Larla could still call her "Dad," hence the confusion.

Outside of that unlikely scenario, though, you're doing fine.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't say something unless she directly asks. What you said was good. Either she will figure it out on her own and ask or she will figure it out on her own and not ask.

Or she will be like my middle child and be slow on the uptake. After knowing a co-worker of mine for a decade, we were at an event and she said, wait a minute. Are you two gay and married to each other? Given that she has 2 gay dads and no mother, I was mortified. Her older sibling laughed. Her younger sibling walked away in embarrassment.

[Anonymous]

There is nothing to say or explain. Larla has 2 moms, period.

[Anonymous]

I think you’re fine. Kids roll with this kind of thing. The only thing I’d probably do is ask which parent so I knew and didn’t make a mistake on how I addressed them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you're fine, but I would keep your ears open for how Larla refers to Jane. If Jane is trans, and transitioned after Larla's was old enough to talk, it's possible (though unlikely) that Larla could still call her "Dad," hence the confusion.

Outside of that unlikely scenario, though, you're doing fine.

+1 to all of this. Either your dd thinks this individual looks like a man, in which case you are correct to let her know that this is one of Larla’s moms, or Larla calls that parent Dad, in which case your dd is right to refer to this individual as Larla’s dad. It’s okay for you to ask the parent if they want your dd to call them Ms. Smith or Miss Jane.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thanks all! I asked my daughter what Larla calls Jane - it has the “da” sound (like “Dajane”) so maybe that was the source of confusion?

At any rate, after the playdate she said “I’m confused that Larla has two moms, because wasn’t that her dad at her birthday party?” And I said “she has two mons, who are divorced, and a stepdad who Jill married.” And she said “oh! Okay, I thought that was her dad.”