The best way to declare this change with MIL?

[Anonymous]

DH travels a lot for work and occasionally MIL will come and take our young teens out for dinner and a movie on weekends when he’s away. It’s very nice of her and I appreciate it more than I can say. But with that said, I’m not a night owl and like to get in pajamas and settle in in the evening, especially on weekends. Sometimes she will have them out until 11pm which is fine, but she always walks them in and then I feel obligated to stay awake and then be “on” to socialize with her before she leaves.

MIL is the type with social anxieties and I know she will worry she did something wrong. She hasn’t! But I hate that I can’t relax and settle down because I’m on edge waiting for them to return. How can I tell her kindly, and without appearing as though I’m dismissing her, that I’ll be asleep and the kids can let themselves in going forward?

[Anonymous]

I really think you’re over thinking this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH travels a lot for work and occasionally MIL will come and take our young teens out for dinner and a movie on weekends when he’s away. It’s very nice of her and I appreciate it more than I can say. But with that said, I’m not a night owl and like to get in pajamas and settle in in the evening, especially on weekends. Sometimes she will have them out until 11pm which is fine, but she always walks them in and then I feel obligated to stay awake and then be “on” to socialize with her before she leaves.

MIL is the type with social anxieties and I know she will worry she did something wrong. She hasn’t! But I hate that I can’t relax and settle down because I’m on edge waiting for them to return. How can I tell her kindly, and without appearing as though I’m dismissing her, that I’ll be asleep and the kids can let themselves in going forward?

“ I will most likely be asleep when you get back from the movies. Thank you so much for taking them out! I’m glad you are a night owl because I am not and I’ve been turning in early!”

Or something.

[Anonymous]

Just tell her exactly what you said here. It's not personal. If she can't handle it, she's just too sensitive to live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH travels a lot for work and occasionally MIL will come and take our young teens out for dinner and a movie on weekends when he’s away. It’s very nice of her and I appreciate it more than I can say. But with that said, I’m not a night owl and like to get in pajamas and settle in in the evening, especially on weekends. Sometimes she will have them out until 11pm which is fine, but she always walks them in and then I feel obligated to stay awake and then be “on” to socialize with her before she leaves.

MIL is the type with social anxieties and I know she will worry she did something wrong. She hasn’t! But I hate that I can’t relax and settle down because I’m on edge waiting for them to return. How can I tell her kindly, and without appearing as though I’m dismissing her, that I’ll be asleep and the kids can let themselves in going forward?

“ I will most likely be asleep when you get back from the movies. Thank you so much for taking them out! I’m glad you are a night owl because I am not and I’ve been turning in early!”

Or something.

this.
I think it’s lovely she does this btw

[Anonymous]

“Just fyi I have an early morning Saturday so will be asleep when you guys get back on Friday night. Thanks again for taking them they always love it! “

[Anonymous]

I would pose this as a one-time thing. Then do it again. And again. After awhile it becomes expected habit. That avoids the overarching Big Picture Drama.

[Anonymous]

Everything that everyone else said, but you know her and you know you. If it would help either of you, invite her over a half hour or so early for snacks and a chat so the front end is where you get the visit.

[Anonymous]

“Hey, I realized I need to sleep earlier to feel rested in the morning so I’m going to start going to bed accordingly. This means I will probably be asleep when you come back with the kids. I just wanted you to know so you didn’t wonder why I was asleep instead of up to say hi. Thank you so much for taking the kids out for these fun evenings!”

[Anonymous]

Could you send it as a text while they're out? Maybe timed so it comes during the movie? "Hey, I'm exhausted after a busy week. I'm going to go to bed. Can you ask the kids to come tell me when they're home? Sorry I won't see you but thank you so much for taking them out!"

[Anonymous]

Jamie Lee Curtis has just given you the perfect opportunity — nothing good happens for her after 9:30. (When she skipped an Oscars nominee dinner.)

[Anonymous]

Learn the difference between “I feel obligated” and “she expects me to.” Why are you putting responsibility for YOUR feelings on HER shoulders?

All you have to do is let her know when you want them home: 9:30, 10 p.m., whatever. That’s pretty simple. “I’d like to turn in a little earlier tonight, so could you please have them home by 10? Thanks so much.” Or, let them stay out until 11, but then simply greet them, say “Thank you so much—pardon my yawns, I need to get to bed.” Again, why is this hard?

Or maybe the trade-off for her being so generous with your time is that you can, very occasionally, stay up until 11:15. There really are bigger problems in life.

[Anonymous]

Tell me you are White without telling me you are White. You cannot be in your PJs? You cannot just give the keys to the kids in front of her and tell them - I will be probably in bed when you come in. Just come to my room and let me know after grandma leaves"

Your relationship with your MIL is pretty fragile if you think this will offend her. Do you not talk to her normally?

[Anonymous]

Is there a reason you can’t just tell her what you told us? You’ll probably be in bed when they get back? Unless there’s something you haven’t shared this seems pretty easy.

[Anonymous]

Are you trying to make us feel like MIL is doing something wrong or imposing? Because there’s no universe where you’re just not being ridiculous here.

“Thank you so much for taking them out tonight. I’m going to be in bed when you get back, so could yo please remind them to come in and tell me they’re home, and to lock up?”