4.5 yr old hits me and throws things when he has a meltdown/tantrum

[Anonymous]

Is 4.5 too old for this kind of behavior? I can’t remember if my older one did this at this age. Any suggestions on how to deal with it?

[Anonymous]

You did not post on the special needs for him so I will answer as if he is typical . Hitting is never normal when your kids have tantrums and especially not normal at 4 1/2 years. Immediate and swift consequences are in order.

[Anonymous]

Hi, sorry you're dealing with this. It's a good time to have a conversation when he's not upset about big feelings and how humans deal with them. For him, a small bouncy trampoline or going to his room and hitting a pillow etc. Talk about healthy ways to deal with big feelings and this includes never, ever hitting someone else or hurting anything, animals, himself etc. Find some outlets like the trampoline, pillow etc. I used to send kids to the bathroom if they used "potty" words and told them they could say the words there with the door closed - that's another option.

[Anonymous]

It can be within a normal range though it is not as common at 4.5. How are other things? School? Peers? My son struggles with this type of emotional regulation and received a diagnosis of ADHD at age 5 but there were also flags in school.

[Anonymous]

My now 6 year old did. Oooo he had a temper! He even hocked a loogy in my face once. It may sound kooky but in a calmer moment I started thinking about his possible enneagram sign. My eldest is a 7, middle a 6 and I think my youngest is an 8. HATES being controlled and bossed around. So I had to retool my approach, our transitions and offer choices vs getting into power struggles. Again, may be too woo for you but I find the enneagram opens a lot of doors to thinking of new approaches to relating to others.

[Anonymous]

Woo woo PP here.

I learned to also not show emotion when enforcing consequences. He had an orange chair he had to sit in. When he left it I would pick him up stone faced and place him on it. When I would get outraged (like wtf you dont dare hit ME!) itd be like adding fuel to his fire vs another of my kids getting scared theyd poked the bear so to speak.

Just adding this to flesh out we did have consequences for hitting, I didnt just shrug and go oh its his enneagram! Hah

[Anonymous]

Read good inside, Dr becky

[Anonymous]

It depends on the kid. Walk away, or put them in their room till they calm down, time out nanny style and apologize.

[Anonymous]

It is normal but you should work on it with him of course

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Woo woo PP here.

I learned to also not show emotion when enforcing consequences. He had an orange chair he had to sit in. When he left it I would pick him up stone faced and place him on it. When I would get outraged (like wtf you dont dare hit ME!) itd be like adding fuel to his fire vs another of my kids getting scared theyd poked the bear so to speak.

Just adding this to flesh out we did have consequences for hitting, I didnt just shrug and go oh its his enneagram! Hah

I don’t know what an enneagram is but I really like the way you wrote your posts so I will look it up. My 4 yo is pretty calm but when she does get upset me staying very calm and using a monotone voice really helps the situation. Sometimes I take deep breaths not facing her so I don’t show her I’m angry but it definitely calms the situation more quickly.

[Anonymous]

PP again, I meant to say I agree with you on the remaining very even toned and calm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It depends on the kid. Walk away, or put them in their room till they calm down, time out nanny style and apologize.

As a preschool teacher, this is basically my advice but it sounds like you need to do some basic teaching about emotions and give him some self soothing strategies first. As to if it is normal…if you mean is it something most kids do, no, it is not. If by normal you are asking if it’s a sign of something more serious (like a potential diagnosis), not necessarily. I’ve worked with literally hundreds of children over my career and only a handful exhibited this kind of behavior. I work in a public elementary that goes to fifth grade so I’ve been able to see many of the kids grow past my program. Some went on to be diagnosed with other things but most did not. For most kids, the behavior can be extinguished by caregivers acting calmly and consistently restating rules and consequences. “We use our words when we are mad/sad. We do not hit. Take a break in your cool down spot until you are calm.” I highly recommend some time watching Daniel Tiger together. And spend some time when he isn’t angry talking about how anger feels in your body, how he can recognize it and begin to self sooth before he erupts.

[Anonymous]

All four of mine would occasionally throw things and would “hit” (slapping the sofa or something, not done with any real force or enough to hurt). I think in my case it was the younger children picking g up the behavior from older sibs. It was always done to get a rise out of me, so I would ignore it and then make them clean it up after they calmed down.

They would never display such behavior in public/at school/with anyone other than their parents.

They all grew out of it by six or so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All four of mine would occasionally throw things and would “hit” (slapping the sofa or something, not done with any real force or enough to hurt). I think in my case it was the younger children picking g up the behavior from older sibs. It was always done to get a rise out of me, so I would ignore it and then make them clean it up after they calmed down.

They would never display such behavior in public/at school/with anyone other than their parents.

They all grew out of it by six or so.

They don't just grow out of it, they are taught how to manage emotions and behave, as PP teacher described.

[Anonymous]

You can get picture books at the library about helping little ones manage emotions.