how would you handle?

[Anonymous]

DD is a tween and has ADHD. A couple days ago, she went through my jewelry box and took an expensive ring, which I found in her room. I just happened to see it and asked her how it got there. She told me she liked it and it fit her. I explained it was not a toy and she was to stay out of my jewelry box. I told her why it was special and that she can't just go take things she likes. Well, tonight, I found another ring tossed on her bed like trash. I did not want a make a huge fuss before bed but I asked her whether she took it after we talked or had it since, and she said she had it since. When I asked why she didn't mention it then, she said she forgot about it. I told her that was the problem; these things mean nothing to her but they are very special to me and they're not hers, they're mine. You can't just go digging through other people's things and taking what you like, even if they fit. She said, 'well I don't have any cute rings.' I have no doubt she would not have returned them. They would have ended up on the floor or under her bed like everything else in her room.

It's like there's no understanding. I feel like she thinks I'm coming down on her to be mean not bc she did the wrong thing. She told me that this is why we don't have a good relationship and she can't wait to turn 18 bc she will leaving the house (this actually doesn't bother me, bc I know it's not true.)

DH says she is a liar and a thief (though she didn't hear him say that). He wants to take away all electronics (she doesn't have a phone) for a week. I have a pit in my stomach. How would you handle?

[Anonymous]

I personally think you should examine the behavior without focusing on the value of the rings. She accessed your possessions, and she treated those possessions carelessly, which sounds kind of normal for an ADHD kid but also needs to be a key learning opportunity.

If you didn’t have clear rules before about what she can/can’t touch of yours, then make a clear rule now and write it down.
You can’t expect her to know the inherent value of something. But you CAN expect her to follow a clearly stated, repeated, well-known rule. If you haven’t had such a rule surrounding your jewelry (or closet, or anything in your bedroom or whatever) til now, establish it.

It sounds careless not purposeful. Personally would give her some grace for the first time, establish CLEAR rule and write it down somewhere, and punish her in the future if it happens again. (If you’ve had a clear rule that she understood and violated, then different story, go ahead and punish.)

[Anonymous]

I think it depends on how you handle personal possessions in your family. If your family regularly borrows or uses each others’ things, it makes sense that she didn’t think was wrong to borrow your stuff. Because of her age and ADHD, it makes sense that she forgot about the second ring. If you all don’t ever borrow stuff without asking or you don’t view most things as family property, then you need to set better boundaries.

All of my kids went through their time of borrowing my stuff. I ended up hiding my jewelry box. They grew out of it. It wasn’t theft. It just took a long time to get boundaries straight.

[Anonymous]

Lock up your jewelry, put a lock on your bedroom door and no electronics outside school for a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it depends on how you handle personal possessions in your family. If your family regularly borrows or uses each others’ things, it makes sense that she didn’t think was wrong to borrow your stuff. Because of her age and ADHD, it makes sense that she forgot about the second ring. If you all don’t ever borrow stuff without asking or you don’t view most things as family property, then you need to set better boundaries.

All of my kids went through their time of borrowing my stuff. I ended up hiding my jewelry box. They grew out of it. It wasn’t theft. It just took a long time to get boundaries straight.

Correct. This is how it was when I was growing up and this is how it is for my kids. It doesn't upset me, because I know how I was at that age, and no one actually loses or breaks things. DD borrows my jewelry and hair accessories to dress up her horse figurines when her friend comes over to play. She forgets to return them. It's no big deal.

[Anonymous]

Just tell her not to do it again. This is not worth a huge punishment.

[Anonymous]

I would start randomly taking some of her favorite things. Do to her what she did to you.

[Anonymous]

At this age, girls take their moms stuff all the time and it will continue into teenager years. Once she can fit into your clothes/shoes it will all be fair game. I did it, my sister did it, and my girls do it. It’s not a moral issue, it’s just access to things that are different and nicer than what they have. The only way to shut it down is to just lock up the stuff (I have a keypad on my bedroom door). If you want to teach a lesson, allow her to pick out things for special occasions with the expectation of returning. If she doesn’t, loses the item, or you have to hunt it down, then she loses the privilege. And now you know that some special rings would be a sweet gift for her next birthday ♥️

[Anonymous]

I'd point out to her that if she wants something she can't just take it because that's theft. I'd ask if she think someone would want to stay friends with her if she just took their jewelry while she was over at their house? What happens when you just take something you like from a store?

I'd ask if she has anything else of mine. And then I'd lock up my jewelry box and consider putting a lock on my bedroom door.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I personally think you should examine the behavior without focusing on the value of the rings. She accessed your possessions, and she treated those possessions carelessly, which sounds kind of normal for an ADHD kid but also needs to be a key learning opportunity.

If you didn’t have clear rules before about what she can/can’t touch of yours, then make a clear rule now and write it down.
You can’t expect her to know the inherent value of something. But you CAN expect her to follow a clearly stated, repeated, well-known rule. If you haven’t had such a rule surrounding your jewelry (or closet, or anything in your bedroom or whatever) til now, establish it.

It sounds careless not purposeful. Personally would give her some grace for the first time, establish CLEAR rule and write it down somewhere, and punish her in the future if it happens again. (If you’ve had a clear rule that she understood and violated, then different story, go ahead and punish.)

This is good advice. I would also establish a specific consequence ahead of time and then implement it every time she breaks the rule until it changes her behavior. Losing her phone for a week seems like a lot to me. Research says that less time is more effective because by then end of the week the consequence is so far from the behavior, it’s not adding any benefit.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the immediate PP and the quoted text. But I would lock up any high value / sentimental items.

[Anonymous]

OP, I agree with your DH. She should be punished.

You explained to her specifically NOT to go in your jewelry box, and she did anyways. That is being a thief-has nothing to do with ADHD.

She should be punished.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I agree with your DH. She should be punished.

You explained to her specifically NOT to go in your jewelry box, and she did anyways. That is being a thief-has nothing to do with ADHD.

She should be punished.

ADHD and impulsivity go hand in hand. I would lock up the truly valuable stuff, and work on boundaries beyond that.

[Anonymous]

I have two with ADHD. I try to always ask why they did something, as you did, and focus on the answer.

First, I would set the boundary and not let her cross it again without a known consequence. I would forgive the two rings that were probably taken at the same time. You have no other way to prove that she defied you.

At some point later, I would ask her if she wants some extra chores and take her to get some cute, cheap rings. If she's a tween, she's probably just trying to fit in. It's so much harder for kids with ADHD!!!!!

To the extent you can, I'd put the stuff of value away.

ADHD will probably throw harder stuff at you as she gets older. This is a no harm, no foul situation.

[Anonymous]

Is her ADHD well managed? (Medication? EF coaching? Persistent problems in school?)

I would honestly lock up your bedroom. Borrowing without permission is theft, she would be better served learning it from you than stealing something outside of family house and getting caught. It can carry a lot of social stigma...