ISO Recommendations Parenting Books

[Anonymous]

I have an 8 year old daughter who up until recently has been an easy kid. Recently, she has started being really rude to me and we’ve been fighting a lot over stupid things. There is a lot of back talk and bratty behavior. I have to repeatedly ask her to do things that she does every day like get dressed for school or brush her teeth and when I remind her she replies with a bratty “I KNOW that.” She tears up if she perceives we raise our voices but often replies to us with a rude attitude/tone. I don’t know that I’m handling the situation well. I’ve punished her (no tv, no desert) and expressed that her voice or words hurts my feelings. She sometimes apologies but it’s just words not a recognition of doing something wrong. I’ve told her I don’t want her to say sorry but would rather she doesn’t request the behavior. She gets really frustrated over little things and clenches her fists and mouth as she tells me she’s trying to calm down. She is also super slow about getting ready for school in the morning to the point where she eats breakfast on the go some days. We try and move her along but she feels rushed and gets upset. I’m at my wits end and want to try and fix things. Are there any books or podcasts you recommend on how to deal with this behavior in a constructive way? I miss our old relationship so much and am very sad about the way things are right now.

[Anonymous]

Read Raising Adults. Also make and laminate a morning checklist with her. I, from experience, feel as though this is about power and autonomy. Crazy part is she still needs the guidance. Transfer the power, really the responsibility, over to her. No need for punishments either because that’s yet another method of power and control. Let natural consequences occur; those are the best consequences. Then, be there for her when it goes well or poorly. You got this, mom!

[jsmith123]

Sounds like you're working too hard right now. Set out the rules & the consequences ahead of time, and then stop nagging. Let her fail & have the consequence. The consequence will speak for itself.

So you sit down with her and say, here are the things you need to do in the morning, and here are the things you need to do in the evening. Keep it to short lists.

Then say: Do you need my help remembering to do these things, or do you want to try to take care of them on your own?

If she says she needs help, then brainstorm how you can help. The other PP's suggestion of the laminated checklist is a great idea.

Then just flat out ask her: If you don't get dressed on time, what do you think is a good consequence for that? Same with teeth brushing.

When you both agree to the system, you follow it and leave her alone. Be her cheerleader instead of her adversary. If she fails, you can say: "Oh no - looks like you didn't brush your teeth, and that means no show tonight. That's too bad, but I know you're still learning and will do it tonight!"

Anyway, for books, I'm a big fan of "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen".

[Anonymous]

Highly recommend Good Inside by Dr. Becky Kennedy.