Sad about weird growing distance with my brother -- how to handle

[Anonymous]

I used to be really close to my brother. But he got a new job and a new girlfriend, and now only replies to my texts maybe a third of the time, even if they're about important stuff. He sticks mainly to logistics and planning in terms of our parents or upcoming meetups. But I opened up to him about a work issue I was having and he didn't engage. A few months ago, I told him that I was going to be interviewed on a radio show and he didn't acknowledge it or ask how it went. This is really just saddening me - we used to be close. I ask how he is and about his work/life etc, but it feels very surface-level. If we see him, it is usually at my or my partner's initiation, because I call and pin down an activity.

Our other sibling recently died (long story, not unexpected), and he lashed out at our whole family after this and sent some emotional texts and emails - this was three years ago now though -- and we talked it through or so I thought. Mainly I miss my brother and our closeness and just looking at my phone with un-responded to texts is making me feel sad. He used to be my best friend. How to handle it? WWYD?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you have special circumstances, but it is normal to not be as close to siblings as you felt older and develop your own relationships and create your own family. Consider therapy to work through this. It is clear your brother doesn’t want to be there for you.

[Anonymous]

Closeness needs to come from both sides to happen. And you can not force him to lean into that.

Of course this may make you feel sad. That seems like an appropriate way to feel. But it does not mean he OWES you the type of relationship you want.

So, take a few steps back. Ease off on the communicating with him entirely necessary. While doing that, fill your life with other relationships. If you are able, spend time together in person with your brother. That may work better than daily support texts/calls.

I'd also say, get to know his girlfriend. Being her friend can go a long way towards a healthy relationship with your brother long term.

[Anonymous]

You should talk to him face to face about this. Ask if he wants to go back to being best friends, what kind of relationship he wants now that Sibling has died, etc. Maybe he feels too busy and far away to be bffs, maybe he's unconsciously pulling away in case you die too and he doesn't want it to hurt so much, who knows. But I'd ask, face to face.