I have POA while sister has health surrogacy

[Anonymous]

My parents identified me as POA for financial issues, and my sisters as health surrogate. We have a blended family, so I am POA for my mother and step father, my biological sister (BS) is surrogate for mom, and my step sister (SS) is surrogate for her dad. As we have tried to navigate parents’ declining health and increasing dependence on us, I have increasingly begun questioning my BS’s motives. I have reason to believe that she and her husband may be prioritizing asset protection over parents’ safety and independence.

Without rehashing months of interactions, I’d like to figure out how to work with a family member who has proven incapable of open and direct interpersonal relationships. As a sister unit, we tried to work together to gain consensus on decisions like whether parents should move to assisted living or remain in their home. What has become increasingly clear is that BS has demonstrated an inability to have open and direct interactions with any family member. She fails to accept decisions we have previously come to agreement on by planting seeds of doubt in our aging parents’ minds and attempting to paint me as a “foolish spender”.

She has gone behind my back to our parents’ friends and even to extended family. She claims I have bullied her and now refuses to even communicate with me. This culminated in a situation where, when my mom was hospitalized, she informed SS via text and asked her to tell me. Instead of sending this in a group text to us both, she chose to text the one sister, clearly sending a message to me that I will be “punished” for my “actions”. A family friend finally revealed to me that BS is resentful of my being POA and that I have a target on my back.

This is all “fine” with me. I am trying to understand what is going on with a person who has shown an inability to have direct interactions with others and can only undermine and talk behind their back. I will hear things from healthcare workers at the parents’ assisted living facility and other family, while BS is incapable of talking to me directly to tell me how she feels. In all my years of dealing with difficult people and/or decisions in the workplace, I have never come across someone who doesn’t know how to advocate for their ideas and move forward once consensus has occurred. Instead, she will feign agreement, then work behind my back to influence parents and family members to agree that her decisions are best. We end up spending countless hours rehashing topics, and not moving forward.

Have you ever met someone so in need of harmony and control in relationships that they cannot openly tell another when they are in disagreement or accept decisions that weren’t their own? Someone who can only “work out” problems behind the scenes, holding their cards close, not revealing true motives and constantly putting up roadblocks that you learn about through others?

[Anonymous]

And I apologize in advance for the long post. If you read it, thank you. This has been an incredibly stressful and emotional journey, navigating what is best for the parents while coming to terms with their physical and mental decline, and realizing the stress of it all can truly tear a family apart.

[Anonymous]

Move this to the elder care forum. I think you will get more responses there.

[Anonymous]

I’m really sorry for your situation. Reading this it sounds like your BS just wants to avoid the conflict with you in the area that she “owns”. Who knows why. It could be jealousy, she could be a pleaser and doesn’t want the conflict, you could be controlling and not realize it. Whatever the reason, it’s not likely it will get easier as their situation degrades. Do your parents have a health directive? She may have had conversations with them about what they want that you don’t know about.

[Anonymous]

The post is long, but I think I get the gist. Are you the oldest sister? It kind of reads as if you are. Also, are your parents incapacitated to the point the POA has been activated? If not, it sounds, honestly, like you're taking charge prematurely. As one who was not named POA, that can extremely frustrating. When one sister is named POA and other isn't, there is bound to be tension, and rightly so, it's a recipe for disaster every time. You should try to be more understanding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents identified me as POA for financial issues, and my sisters as health surrogate. We have a blended family, so I am POA for my mother and step father, my biological sister (BS) is surrogate for mom, and my step sister (SS) is surrogate for her dad. As we have tried to navigate parents’ declining health and increasing dependence on us, I have increasingly begun questioning my BS’s motives. I have reason to believe that she and her husband may be prioritizing asset protection over parents’ safety and independence.

Without rehashing months of interactions, I’d like to figure out how to work with a family member who has proven incapable of open and direct interpersonal relationships. As a sister unit, we tried to work together to gain consensus on decisions like whether parents should move to assisted living or remain in their home. What has become increasingly clear is that BS has demonstrated an inability to have open and direct interactions with any family member. She fails to accept decisions we have previously come to agreement on by planting seeds of doubt in our aging parents’ minds and attempting to paint me as a “foolish spender”.

She has gone behind my back to our parents’ friends and even to extended family. She claims I have bullied her and now refuses to even communicate with me. This culminated in a situation where, when my mom was hospitalized, she informed SS via text and asked her to tell me. Instead of sending this in a group text to us both, she chose to text the one sister, clearly sending a message to me that I will be “punished” for my “actions”. A family friend finally revealed to me that BS is resentful of my being POA and that I have a target on my back.

This is all “fine” with me. I am trying to understand what is going on with a person who has shown an inability to have direct interactions with others and can only undermine and talk behind their back. I will hear things from healthcare workers at the parents’ assisted living facility and other family, while BS is incapable of talking to me directly to tell me how she feels. In all my years of dealing with difficult people and/or decisions in the workplace, I have never come across someone who doesn’t know how to advocate for their ideas and move forward once consensus has occurred. Instead, she will feign agreement, then work behind my back to influence parents and family members to agree that her decisions are best. We end up spending countless hours rehashing topics, and not moving forward.

Have you ever met someone so in need of harmony and control in relationships that they cannot openly tell another when they are in disagreement or accept decisions that weren’t their own? Someone who can only “work out” problems behind the scenes, holding their cards close, not revealing true motives and constantly putting up roadblocks that you learn about through others?

First, you need to take a step back and take emotion out of this. Your entire last paragraph is transmitting your frustration loud and clear. And ascribing motives that may or may not be accurate.

As to the bolded, if there's consensus for a course of action, what happens when she is reminded of that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The post is long, but I think I get the gist. Are you the oldest sister? It kind of reads as if you are. Also, are your parents incapacitated to the point the POA has been activated? If not, it sounds, honestly, like you're taking charge prematurely. As one who was not named POA, that can extremely frustrating. When one sister is named POA and other isn't, there is bound to be tension, and rightly so, it's a recipe for disaster every time. You should try to be more understanding.

OP here, yes, POAs we’re activated and I’m not the oldest. I do think jealousy is at play. I have “taken charge” only as mom requested, since she can no longer handle financial paperwork. I was really unprepared for the tension and unaware of how that would be “a recipe for disaster every time”.

The reason I posted here is because my question is really about trying to understand the interpersonal dynamics of why someone cannot communicate directly. Even when I thought we were, I have been made aware of things she has done intentionally behind my back. She doesn’t like conflict, but I can’t imagine that is the only motive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents identified me as POA for financial issues, and my sisters as health surrogate. We have a blended family, so I am POA for my mother and step father, my biological sister (BS) is surrogate for mom, and my step sister (SS) is surrogate for her dad. As we have tried to navigate parents’ declining health and increasing dependence on us, I have increasingly begun questioning my BS’s motives. I have reason to believe that she and her husband may be prioritizing asset protection over parents’ safety and independence.

Without rehashing months of interactions, I’d like to figure out how to work with a family member who has proven incapable of open and direct interpersonal relationships. As a sister unit, we tried to work together to gain consensus on decisions like whether parents should move to assisted living or remain in their home. What has become increasingly clear is that BS has demonstrated an inability to have open and direct interactions with any family member. She fails to accept decisions we have previously come to agreement on by planting seeds of doubt in our aging parents’ minds and attempting to paint me as a “foolish spender”.

She has gone behind my back to our parents’ friends and even to extended family. She claims I have bullied her and now refuses to even communicate with me. This culminated in a situation where, when my mom was hospitalized, she informed SS via text and asked her to tell me. Instead of sending this in a group text to us both, she chose to text the one sister, clearly sending a message to me that I will be “punished” for my “actions”. A family friend finally revealed to me that BS is resentful of my being POA and that I have a target on my back.

This is all “fine” with me. I am trying to understand what is going on with a person who has shown an inability to have direct interactions with others and can only undermine and talk behind their back. I will hear things from healthcare workers at the parents’ assisted living facility and other family, while BS is incapable of talking to me directly to tell me how she feels. In all my years of dealing with difficult people and/or decisions in the workplace, I have never come across someone who doesn’t know how to advocate for their ideas and move forward once consensus has occurred. Instead, she will feign agreement, then work behind my back to influence parents and family members to agree that her decisions are best. We end up spending countless hours rehashing topics, and not moving forward.

Have you ever met someone so in need of harmony and control in relationships that they cannot openly tell another when they are in disagreement or accept decisions that weren’t their own? Someone who can only “work out” problems behind the scenes, holding their cards close, not revealing true motives and constantly putting up roadblocks that you learn about through others?

First, you need to take a step back and take emotion out of this. Your entire last paragraph is transmitting your frustration loud and clear. And ascribing motives that may or may not be accurate.

As to the bolded, if there's consensus for a course of action, what happens when she is reminded of that?

Thank you for this. It is so hard to take emotion out. I’m normally very unemotional and analytical, but it’s my parents and she has made decisions that have not put their safety first. That’s been hard to deal with.

When there is consensus and she is reminded, she will circle back to her original arguments, making it clear that she doesn’t accept decisions made by the parents. If it isn’t what she wants, she just doesn’t buy-in. I will be moving forward based on decisions, and she will have off-line conversations with parents to try to change their minds, or with other family friends to get them to advocate her position to them.

Regarding motives, it is absolutely correct that I have made assumptions, but she has said to others that, for example, she wants them to move in with them, which is out of state and something they have said they don’t want to do.