Have you gotten MORE angry at your parents since having kids?

[Anonymous]

I had an OK childhood, but it was marked by alcoholism and a very stereotypical working dad and mom at home. Dad was gone mostly.

I’ve always had a lot of anger (yes I’m in therapy) but one thing I always said is that I was sure I would find a new perspective and some level of forgiveness once I have my own kids and could understand that context all the better. But now I’m pretty deep into parenting. My oldest is six. And over the years, I’ve just become way more furious with my parents, and realizing how shitty they were to little kids. I see my husband with our kids and just think, why couldn’t my dad even pretend to want to be in the same room with us? How could you do that to a kid?

Anyways, I wonder if anyone out there has had the same experience of getting more angry with their parents instead of more forgiving as they get perspective.

[Anonymous]

Yes, my siblings and I have discussed this. Our childhood involved an alcoholic parent and a divorce. When we were kids we just accepted it because there was no choice. Now that we have our own kids, we can’t imagine behaving that way.

[Anonymous]

I think parenting makes us all feel more vulnerable and exposed because of all the intense feelings involved in becoming someone’s mom or dad. The saying that your heart is now walking around outside of your body is a wise one. And alongside that vulnerability is the idea that you can see yourself as a kid in the child you are raising. It seems to me like you are feeling sad for the child that you once were, and comparing it to what your own children are blessed enough to receive, and that is an emotional thing for sure. Try to focus on the person you became despite everything, your resilience and strength.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think parenting makes us all feel more vulnerable and exposed because of all the intense feelings involved in becoming someone’s mom or dad. The saying that your heart is now walking around outside of your body is a wise one. And alongside that vulnerability is the idea that you can see yourself as a kid in the child you are raising. It seems to me like you are feeling sad for the child that you once were, and comparing it to what your own children are blessed enough to receive, and that is an emotional thing for sure. Try to focus on the person you became despite everything, your resilience and strength.

Wow DCUM didn’t think two comments in would be exactly what I needed to have a bit of a cry

[Anonymous]

If you are in the midst of parenting then maybe you realize if your Dad didn't want kids of course he wouldn't be involved. Or if he were an alcoholic that was his way of coping with a situation. Generations ago it wasn't really ok to not not have kids. You also likely married someone that wasn't a good fit for you. You also likely had an uninvolved Dad and that was the norm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think parenting makes us all feel more vulnerable and exposed because of all the intense feelings involved in becoming someone’s mom or dad. The saying that your heart is now walking around outside of your body is a wise one. And alongside that vulnerability is the idea that you can see yourself as a kid in the child you are raising. It seems to me like you are feeling sad for the child that you once were, and comparing it to what your own children are blessed enough to receive, and that is an emotional thing for sure. Try to focus on the person you became despite everything, your resilience and strength.

Bravo.

[Anonymous]

I don't view it in terms of forgiveness. That is a really high bar you're setting for yourself! I have accepted that I need to move on, otherwise the people I am hurting are myself and my kids. Surely you don't want that for you and your loved ones, OP?

My parents were a product of their time and backward culture,
and they had a limited and uncurious sort of parenting. Is it their fault? I have accepted their limitations and just remind myself that I'm lucky to have a lot more drive and resources (intellectual, psychological, financial) to take care of my own kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think parenting makes us all feel more vulnerable and exposed because of all the intense feelings involved in becoming someone’s mom or dad. The saying that your heart is now walking around outside of your body is a wise one. And alongside that vulnerability is the idea that you can see yourself as a kid in the child you are raising. It seems to me like you are feeling sad for the child that you once were, and comparing it to what your own children are blessed enough to receive, and that is an emotional thing for sure. Try to focus on the person you became despite everything, your resilience and strength.

Thank you for this, it’s really moving and true

[Anonymous]

No. My single mom made it happen and I appreciate her more every day.

My dad clearly wanted a boy and dotes on my DH and my sons. I don't begrudge any of them that relationship. He now clearly thinks I'm cool but knows and admits that my mom did all of the work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had an OK childhood, but it was marked by alcoholism and a very stereotypical working dad and mom at home. Dad was gone mostly.

I’ve always had a lot of anger (yes I’m in therapy) but one thing I always said is that I was sure I would find a new perspective and some level of forgiveness once I have my own kids and could understand that context all the better. But now I’m pretty deep into parenting. My oldest is six. And over the years, I’ve just become way more furious with my parents, and realizing how shitty they were to little kids. I see my husband with our kids and just think, why couldn’t my dad even pretend to want to be in the same room with us? How could you do that to a kid?

Anyways, I wonder if anyone out there has had the same experience of getting more angry with their parents instead of more forgiving as they get perspective.

Yes, definitely. The anger was a shock to me, but it raised issues like you mention. How could they do this? Behave this way? Treat one child this way? Etc.

[Anonymous]

I've gotten kinder and realize that my parents brought their own stuff from their parents to the table and did the best they could.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are in the midst of parenting then maybe you realize if your Dad didn't want kids of course he wouldn't be involved. Or if he were an alcoholic that was his way of coping with a situation. Generations ago it wasn't really ok to not not have kids. You also likely married someone that wasn't a good fit for you. You also likely had an uninvolved Dad and that was the norm.

This.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I realized how bad of a mom my mom was.

[Anonymous]

My dad was mostly a waste of time, very inept at fathering, I certainly saw this more clearly as an adult and have been very fortunate to have married a man who has been a great dad to our kids.

Knowing my own dad's history, meeting my grandfather briefly once, and learning about my dad's childhood in which he lost his mother at about age 10 and was raised by his own very inept father, gave me a little more understanding of what his problems were. Still, I'm glad he died when I was in my 20s, I wouldn't have wanted him involved in my children's lives.

My mother was awesome though and I am very grateful to her for everything she ever did for me or meant to me.

[Anonymous]

I’m more mad at my mother who portrayed herself as an absolute martyr while working less than either me or my sister do now.

But my dad— who was way above average for 90s dads anyway— is probably in the too .001% of grandfathers so I can’t be mad at him for a second.