Donor options ( known vs unknown)

[Anonymous]

We are planning to do an Mtese surgery but our Dr wants us to have donor sperm ready as we have a 50/50 chance of finding sperm. We are doing counseling per the requirements but would have done it anyway. We know if we go with a bank we want to open at 18 or open in general. As we are reading and finding out more about the adult donor community we have learned that known/familiar donors seem preferred

My husband doesn't have a brother that's not an option. His mother actually suggested his father - which is a whole can of worms but I suppose the most genetic match. That seems too weird for us and the child as they will be close to his parents.

He does have a few male cousins. The one we speak to/see once a year of that is on his dad's side, doesn't look like him at all and has two kids of his own..

Two cousins in his mom's side, not close. We've been together a decade and I haven't met them. I met their dad once. These cousins look a lot like him and neither have any kids.

What would you do. To us, we would rather not ask anyone but we also are willing to have uncomfortable conversations if it means our child will feel more connected to their family/ avoid any surprises that oh look you actually have 20-50 siblings out there. Or maybe they feel they missed out on pater al extended family. We don't know and can't predict but want to cause the least amount of trauma before they even get here.

[Anonymous]

We used an anonymous donor, open to contact at 18. We also know of several other children born from this donor through the sperm bank’s registry, so I hope we will be able to contact them as well when the time comes.
I can’t even wrap my head around the thought of my FIL as a donor. And we didn’t want to create awkwardness by asking any male relatives as they all have families of their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous in your situation. Using future grandpa is weird. Asking people who you have had no contact with for years is not appropriate.

[Anonymous]

I would NOT ask or even entertain the idea of using a donor from your spouse’s family. That’s a disaster waiting to happen. Go with the anonymous donor that can be identified at age 18.

Both of my kids were conceived using anonymous donors. One is in college and the other is in high school. They have not asked about it. We did make some connections with families that used the same donor when our kids were much younger. But we didn’t keep in touch.

Our friends’ kids are the same age and used a donor that became identifiable at 18. Neither kid has pursued it.

-lesbian mom

[Anonymous]

Definitely explore the cousin connection.