$100 race: Motherhood Edition

[Anonymous]

Remember the $100 race video that was floating around social media ~5 years ago? Take two steps forward if your parents are married, 2 steps forward if you had access to private school, etc. All these privileged kids were halfway to the finish line before the race even started.

I’ve been thinking about it in relation to motherhood recently. How differently different mothers approach the “race”. What invisible things give some women two steps forward while others are stuck on the starting line. Things like having good parents who provide emotional support. Close friends to share motherhood with. Access to backup childcare. Extended family members who visit and light up when your children walk into the room. Friends or family who offer to take your children for a couple hours on the weekend. Access to (and ability to pay for) resources for children with special needs. Enough disposable income to outsource cleaning, landscaping, and repairs. A career that pays enough $ and has flexible enough hours to feel sustainable through the early childhood years. A partner who shares the load, physically and emotionally.

Consider this the next time you start to question why moms with seemingly similar lives don’t have the same bandwidth for extras like PTA volunteering or hosting play dates.

[Anonymous]

Who are these women who judge whether other moms host play dates or volunteer for the pta? Because I've never met any.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who are these women who judge whether other moms host play dates or volunteer for the pta? Because I've never met any.

A preschool mom asked me the other day if I would be on the preschool board next year. “Perfect position for a stay at home mom”. F&3k you. No. I have zero help. My husband travels constantly. I have 3 kids under 8 including one with special needs. No no no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are these women who judge whether other moms host play dates or volunteer for the pta? Because I've never met any.

A preschool mom asked me the other day if I would be on the preschool board next year. “Perfect position for a stay at home mom”. F&3k you. No. I have zero help. My husband travels constantly. I have 3 kids under 8 including one with special needs. No no no.

Someone asks you to be on the board of your school because you’re a stay at home mom and your response is F*** you? Jesus lady this is not an insult, or a normal response from anyone. Go smoke a cigarette or something.

[Anonymous]

OP, I agree.

Some people get to play the mom video game on the easiest setting, and they get compared (or compare themselves) to people playing on the hardest level. But they aren’t equal. Money and family are the big ones, IMO. Everything else you may have at least some control over. But being born to a supportive, functional family, and having money, just eliminates entire categories of parenting stress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I agree.

Some people get to play the mom video game on the easiest setting, and they get compared (or compare themselves) to people playing on the hardest level. But they aren’t equal. Money and family are the big ones, IMO. Everything else you may have at least some control over. But being born to a supportive, functional family, and having money, just eliminates entire categories of parenting stress.

+1 - from someone without those things

[Anonymous]

I spend zero time thinking about what other moms are or are not doing. I'm not sure why the reaction to "would you like to be on the board" is "f you". How about, "thanks so much for asking, but I'm unable to do that at this time." done and done.

[Anonymous]

OP I want to be supportive, but you know that the mom next to you who works 60 hours a week also got asked to be on the Board because “it would be so wonderful to have your legal expertise” or something. That’s just the nature of being at a school with a board.

Structuring your life so your stress is manageable is the main goal of adulthood. Of course there’s privilege involved. But it’s also chance. Even if you’re born with a great family, parents get sick and need care rather than giving it. Etc etc.

Nobody cares about the playdates balance. That’s a DCUM myth. I only care that my kid is happy and has nice friends. I don’t care who has hosted what.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I agree.

Some people get to play the mom video game on the easiest setting, and they get compared (or compare themselves) to people playing on the hardest level. But they aren’t equal. Money and family are the big ones, IMO. Everything else you may have at least some control over. But being born to a supportive, functional family, and having money, just eliminates entire categories of parenting stress.

I play on the easiest level. I think about it all the time. Seriously. I try my hardest to pinch hit for moms on harder levels and spread the wealth so to speak in tiny ways. I actually don’t set out everyday to assess the class valentines and report the moms with crappy ones to the mom police.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are these women who judge whether other moms host play dates or volunteer for the pta? Because I've never met any.

A preschool mom asked me the other day if I would be on the preschool board next year. “Perfect position for a stay at home mom”. F&3k you. No. I have zero help. My husband travels constantly. I have 3 kids under 8 including one with special needs. No no no.

I don't get it though- are you resentful of the others? You and your husband chose to have three kids and structure your lives in such a way that he'd be gone a lot and you would have no help. Granted there's no controlling the health or needs of your kids, but it sounds like you're stretched way too thin if this is how you react to a really mild question. Fwiw I found elementary school years to be easier than preschool, as a dual working household with two kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I spend zero time thinking about what other moms are or are not doing. I'm not sure why the reaction to "would you like to be on the board" is "f you". How about, "thanks so much for asking, but I'm unable to do that at this time." done and done.

That’s the entire point of OP’s post. You spend zero time thinking. It’s impossible to know what parenting is really like until you’re in it. It’s so much harder than I ever imagined, esp mentally. Having even one person who checks in with you every day and lifts you up makes a huge difference.

[Anonymous]

I am very envious of people with lots of support. The families that show up to dance recitals with grandma, grandpa, aunts, and cousins. Only in my wildest dreams. I went to my daughter’s dance recital alone.

I long for someone to share the journey with. Not so much for help but to share the joy with.

[Anonymous]

This post is ridiculous- being a parent is a choice, and so is your career, number of kids, geographic location. The quiz demonstrated how people start the race ahead due to what was given to them as kids. Your lament is that you don’t have some of the niceties of adulthood- but those are mostly the sum of your choices! How are you going to complain about not having family nearby when you are raising kids in another city? If you want family close by, you need to move near your family. If you want a bigger salary, you have to get a job that pays more. If you want mom friends you have to make friends. If you want to outsource, you have to think of some other line item on your budget to give up. Also I’ve literally never had the dilemma you are worried about. I’m thankful people serve on the pta etc and have never once felt bad about not doing it or looked askance at people who don’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This post is ridiculous- being a parent is a choice, and so is your career, number of kids, geographic location. The quiz demonstrated how people start the race ahead due to what was given to them as kids. Your lament is that you don’t have some of the niceties of adulthood- but those are mostly the sum of your choices! How are you going to complain about not having family nearby when you are raising kids in another city? If you want family close by, you need to move near your family. If you want a bigger salary, you have to get a job that pays more. If you want mom friends you have to make friends. If you want to outsource, you have to think of some other line item on your budget to give up. Also I’ve literally never had the dilemma you are worried about. I’m thankful people serve on the pta etc and have never once felt bad about not doing it or looked askance at people who don’t.

Actually living close to family is not a choice when you’re an only child and your parents are dead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am very envious of people with lots of support. The families that show up to dance recitals with grandma, grandpa, aunts, and cousins. Only in my wildest dreams. I went to my daughter’s dance recital alone.

I long for someone to share the journey with. Not so much for help but to share the joy with.

I think it’s more about *feeling* alone than being alone. If you leave the recital and share pictures and videos with friends and family after, you can achieve the same joy-sharing experience. If you leave the recital and just keep the pics and videos to yourself then, yeah, that’s going to feel really sad and lonely.