Anyone else's kid w ADHD and anxiety have this issue?

[Anonymous]

My 13 year old has fairly severe ADHD and anxiety. At school, he has people to eat with at lunch. He seems to be interacting positively with other kids at sports practice and band, but it never leads to anything outside of school. If I suggest he invite someone over or to do something, he says they would not want to.

He has one close-ish female friend, who he sees around once a month, and mostly seems to ask him for dating advice about other guys (he does not have a romantic interest, so I guess that is ok). He had one long time male friend from elementary, but he doesn't want to get together with him often on weekends - the friend has HFA and my son says that although he genuinely likes him, it can be tough to carry a conversation.

So basically, all of the time that he is not at school or an organized activity, he is hanging out with DH and I or on electronics. He has casual friends, but they don't seem to go beyond the shared activity, really.

Anyone been there or have advice?

[Anonymous]

I've been there (or similar) with both my kids. I would not push. Many kids that age are busy with sports or other activities outside of school, and may not have time to hang out. In other cases, they consider your son a "school" friend only. Or, you son is just worn out from all the socializing that he has to do at school and would prefer not to have friends over. In any event, you pushing isn't going to make it better. I occasionally remind my kids that they are welcome to invite friends over and then let it drop.

[Anonymous]

Does the school have a social skills group?

[Anonymous]

Does the school have a social skills group?

Yes, but he is not currently eligible for it.

[Anonymous]

My son with ADHD/HFA has no friends. Zero. And he seems to be fine with it.

When he was little, I did my best to arrange playdates, but he's now in high school, and I can't help him.

It's a long-term problem, which is why he can't see it as a problem now. Having no friends means that when he has a problem in his life, there might be no one to help him out. He also won't have the satisfaction of helping someone else out. But he can't imagine that, and he can't wrap his head around maintaining a friendship - which to him, involves way too much attention given to someone else when he barely has enough to keep himself out of trouble!

It's sad. I hope one day he's functional enough to have at least one friend.

[Anonymous]

Exactly the same for my ADHD/anxiety DD.

[Anonymous]

Does the school have a social skills group?


Yes, but he is not currently eligible for it.

OP here - just to add on this - his middle school is very large, and the social skills group is limited to kids on an IEP (he is on a fairly extensive 504, but not an IEP) or kids who teachers have identified as having difficulty connecting at school. But he would not be screened into the second group because he has people to sit with and talk with at school. It just never transitions into out of school friendships, except for his one female friend. I have tried encouraging him to make other social connections through her, but his success with that has been limited to more people to talk to at school, never outside.

[Anonymous]

Same for my 9th grader with ADHD/ASD/Anxiety.

Teacher (at special ed school) reports that she is chatty and friendly with several kids, they seem to enjoy each other's company. She WILL NOT text them or arrange to hang out w/ them on weekends. I think it's anxiety based, but I don't know how to help her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Does the school have a social skills group?


Yes, but he is not currently eligible for it.

OP here - just to add on this - his middle school is very large, and the social skills group is limited to kids on an IEP (he is on a fairly extensive 504, but not an IEP) or kids who teachers have identified as having difficulty connecting at school. But he would not be screened into the second group because he has people to sit with and talk with at school. It just never transitions into out of school friendships, except for his one female friend. I have tried encouraging him to make other social connections through her, but his success with that has been limited to more people to talk to at school, never outside.

If you can afford it, try a PEERS group. It literally teaches kids the steps of building friendships, planning a get together/hangout, solving conflicts, etc. It lists the steps that come naturally to us NT people but kids w/ attention or social difficulties can miss easily.

[Anonymous]

OP here - just to add on this - his middle school is very large, and the social skills group is limited to kids on an IEP (he is on a fairly extensive 504, but not an IEP) or kids who teachers have identified as having difficulty connecting at school. But he would not be screened into the second group because he has people to sit with and talk with at school. It just never transitions into out of school friendships, except for his one female friend. I have tried encouraging him to make other social connections through her, but his success with that has been limited to more people to talk to at school, never outside.


If you can afford it, try a PEERS group. It literally teaches kids the steps of building friendships, planning a get together/hangout, solving conflicts, etc. It lists the steps that come naturally to us NT people but kids w/ attention or social difficulties can miss easily.

Thank you - I have read about PEERS and it sounds promising, but I cannot find a group that meets near my home (in Fairlington). I plan to try to look for one that meets this summer, when I will not have to coordinate with DS's band and school sports practices. I don't want him to drop either of those for the time being, as they are connections to kids at school.

[Anonymous]

My older DS (19) with ADHD/anxiety/LDs was like this. He had people he hung out with at school, seemed to be well liked but had no interest in doing things outside of school. He also didn't attend a single school event unless it was held during the school day. He did play video games with friends online but that was it. I, of course, was worried because his dad and I were completely different in high school and his younger sister is also very different.

He's now in his 2nd year at community college and it's been completely different. He's got 3 friends from high school that he sees on a regular basis and he's made some friends from his classes that he does things with. He also goes to a lot of things by himself - including concerts. He meets people easily but is also fine doing stuff on his own.

So, I guess my point is that if your DS is otherwise okay with the status quo, let it go.

[Anonymous]

I would look into a sleepaway camp with kids like him.

[Anonymous]

Hopefully your 13 yo can find a consuming activity and make friends that way. I have ADHD and social anxiety. For me, it was policy debate. Throughout high school and college, I spent all my time at debate, including most weekends at tournaments, and summers at debate camp (in high school as a camper, in college as a coach). I ended up making close friends in a way that didn't require a lot of social skills. As an adult, I have a few very close friends and a network of people I can socialize with at work events or kids' events, which usually wears me out, but I also have a lot of alone time to read and train for marathons, and this, for me, is where I want to be.