s/o - Teens who aren’t bothered by not socializing

[Anonymous]

In the post about teens eating lunch alone, there were a couple posters who noted that their kids mostly eat alone and do not regularly socialize outside of the house, but the teens were not bothered by it. I am in the same boat with my DD. She does have a group of middle school friends she eats with, but she does no socializing outside of school (online or irl). She has said she just doesn’t like people. It’s hard for me to tell how much of this is just being a teen and her personality or if there’s something more. If there is something more, what can we do about it? I do notice that she has poor social skills - she doesn’t always respond when spoken to, will avoid eye contact, and usually in a rush to shut down conversation- sometimes to the point of being rude. How can I help her when she does not perceive a problem?

[Anonymous]

What is the problem ?

[Anonymous]

You can gently correct her behavior. Remind her that she needs to respond when spoken to, make eye contact, etc. she needs to do theses things to be successful at life, not just make friends.

She may not crave a social life, but she also might not like people because people are not nice to her.

[Anonymous]

Hmmm. Has she always been like this? Has she ever been evaluated? She may be on the spectrum or have a similar personality type.

I'm glad she is not lonely and does not see a problem. The issue is, of course, appearing rude to others can be problematic in situations in which you need others to not dislike you (some educational settings, work, when you need medical care, etc.)

Does she have deficits anywhere else? How do you think she would respond to the idea of an evaluation (it might be easier to float the idea if she has school struggles, too...)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is the problem ?

I asked the above question because it would be helpful for the parent to articulate the issue in a clear & concise manner rather than to encourage speculation from anonymous posters.

(This post is not to criticize, just to explain why I posed the question "What is the problem ?".)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the problem ?

I asked the above question because it would be helpful for the parent to articulate the issue in a clear & concise manner rather than to encourage speculation from anonymous posters.

(This post is not to criticize, just to explain why I posed the question "What is the problem ?".)

OP here. It’s a fair question. Here’s what I worry about: (1) she’s actually not happy and she’s hiding/compensating for mental issues we could get help for; and (2) her aversion to social interaction will interfere with her ability to launch into adulthood. She’s very smart and she wants to go to college. I don’t want her to get there and then crash and burn due to social issues.

To the pp talking about an evaluation, it has crossed my mind, but what would I tell DD. In her shoes, I might feel hurt my parents think I have a disability when I don’t see anything wrong.

[Anonymous]

Will she hang out with you, a grandparent, younger cousin? Even if she doesn’t relate well to peers, is there someone she likes who can validate her worth?

Are there things she can do with others occasionally that don’t involve much talking, like a biking meetup (not necessarily with peers)?

I am not an expert, but those are things I would think about. Human connection is important, even if the high school scene isn’t for everyone.

[Anonymous]

I have a shy introvert DS and he seems fine not socializing outside school. He eats lunch with friends from elementary. He plays sports and does activities so he does have social interaction. I encourage him to make plans with others and he doesn’t want to. Occasionally he will get invited to a movie or birthday and he goes and has a good time. He only does this once every other month or so.

I have 2 younger kids in elementary who are very social and would have a play date everyday if they could.

DH thinks I should not worry about our introvert teen. He isn’t getting into trouble, gets good grades and seems content.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think it’s a problem if you have a shy, introverted teen who doesn’t regularly socialize outside of the home. I do think it’s a problem if they lack social skills - doesn’t always respond, avoids eye contact. Those are skills she will need to work on in order to successfully launch into adulthood.

[Anonymous]

I think it can be very hard for extroverts to understand introverts. I am an extrovert married to an introvert. He is neither shy nor socially awkward. He makes friends easily and is well-liked. I wouldn't say he doesn't like other people, but his bar is just pretty high. We often joke he doesn't like other people but it's more he is not going to use his energy on hanging out with people unless he really likes them. And he needs lots of down time. One of our children is wired more like him.

So in short, I think this can be perfectly normal. I do think it's a bit more worriseome if there is no one in her life she connects with and likes. Does she have a one-on-one friend she is closer with?

[Anonymous]

My concern would be the poor social skills. Not wanting to be around people a lot is probably ok, but poor social skills should be addressed sooner rather than later.

I have a teen with poor social skills. He is on the spectrum.

I wouldn’t worry as much about hurting kids feelings as preparing them to be successful in life. If she struggled in math you’d get her a math tutor and think nothing of it.

There are a lot of groups and resource to help with socials skills and it’s a very important life skill.

[Anonymous]

She might be lacking social skills to you, but perhaps isn’t too far off from how her friends act or other peers at school.

If the teachers haven’t reached out and said something, she’s holding her own socially.

Lots of kids have one word answers, no eye contact…if the teacher asks her a question, I bet she responds.

[Anonymous]

Being an introvert doesn’t mean not having meaningful relationships. In fact most introverts tend to have just a few close deep friendships, extroverts are more satisfied with numerous surface friends.

So I’d ask myself - does she have ppl she connects with? Even if it’s not school friends, but family? If not, I think that’s a problem.

[Anonymous]

It’s a defense mechanism. Kids say they don’t need friends but it isn’t true. Introverts want and need friends too. All humans need friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She might be lacking social skills to you, but perhaps isn’t too far off from how her friends act or other peers at school.

If the teachers haven’t reached out and said something, she’s holding her own socially.

Lots of kids have one word answers, no eye contact…if the teacher asks her a question, I bet she responds.

Bad advice. Don’t rely on the fact that a teacher hasn’t said anything to mean all is well.